Stop Telling Me Why I’m Single!
*waves* Hey boos!!
It seems like everyone is weighing in on why Black women are single. I’m starting to think that we are becoming an endangered species of sorts: people need to figure out the causes of our singlehood and what, if anything, can be done to thwart the rates our marriage extinction. Between MSNBC, ABC, and Lord knows who else, I am getting tired of hearing about why I am single, or why I may never get married. There are plenty of 20- and 30- something black women who are single by choice, not because they are searching high and low for something that can’t be found. Here are some of the things I’ve read, heard, or talked about that “explain” why black women are perpetually single:
The Odds Are Against Us
“Highly educated black women have increasingly fewer options when it comes to potential mates,” Brueckner said. “They are less likely than black men to marry outside their race, and, compared to whites and black men, they are least likely to marry a college-educated spouse.” (www.msnbc.com)
With all this good education women are getting, it seems like as we increase our income bracket, we are decreasing the odds that we will get married, or find potential mates. By going into the corporate board rooms, operating rooms, classrooms, or court rooms, we succeed in our professional lives, and concede defeat in our relationships as a result.
Women Don’t Know How to be Women
I was listening to the Luvologist and his guest, Jason, “Six-Nine” Barnes on blogtalkradio one Sunday night, and Mr. Barnes contended that women don’t have or can’t keep men because women no longer know how to “be a women” and allow a man to be a man. He noted that women need to remember the time (RIP MJ) when women would actively work to please their men. He continued that women need to re-learn to be submissive and “take one step back and to the left, and follow” a man’s vision. While I cringed as he said that, I smiled at the idea of having a man with a vision to follow. I disagreed with his misogynistic tone, but I can’t say the brother didn’t have a point or two.
We are too —–
Insert your choice phrase there. Independent. Strong willed. Controlling. Judgmental. Stank. Educated. Mean. Demanding. Bitchy. I’ve heard and read a plethora of ways men describe Black women and deem them undateable. All of the things that Black women “are” seem to turn men away.
We aren’t willing to explore our options.
Read: Men of other races. Men suggest it, and people talk about it all the time. By asking Black women to date men of other races, it seems like people are supporting the idea that “there aren’t enough good black men out there” or suggesting that we should stop trying to date Black men because they are becoming more interested in dating women of other races. Its almost like Black women are judged for wanting to marry Black men. Shame on us for wanting to do such a thing.
To be fair, I think there is some merit in some of the reasons posited. For example, with a certain level of achievement, the line between compromising and settling gets blurry. And I do think that some women believe that educational and professional success makes them automatically deserving of a relationship. However, there is nothing anywhere that says that because you can butterfly stitch the hell out of a surgical incision that you are automatically wifey material.
I’m not saying that all Black women should, should not, or will find compatible mates. Hell, I don’t even know that all Black women want to get married or be in committed relationships. I’m just tired of this generalized conversation that has nothing to do with me. All of the assumptions, one sided statistics, comparisons to what White women are doing, and statements about what is or is not the deal between Black women and Black men is annoying. As it gets me riled up, it also makes me a little sad. Like damn, is all hope really lost?
But maybe its just me. What do you all think about this attention given to Black women’s singleness? Is it warranted? Is this something that should be talked about on news venues? Is there even a problem to be concerned about? Tell me something good.
Feeling like I’m in a Giant Petri Dish,
121 Responses to “Stop Telling Me Why I’m Single!”
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LMAO, I couldn’t even read the rest of the post beyond the first sentence before posting a comment: a few nights ago my mother told me I must be too threatening to men & that I needed to start acting like I wanted a boyfriend… what that look like anyway?
I will now read the post & look forward to an engaging dialogue as more readers comment.
Cheers ladies, single & scooped!
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Ok, I read it!
I 2nd Miss Jenkins sentiments, ish sux, but since I do have overarching thoughts on the matter, here goes mi opinión:
I think most black women who r single in their 20s (I’ll say late 20s to play it safe), 30s, 40s & beyond do want husbands, families even. (Sure, there are outlyers, but…) It’s natural, it’s hormonal, it’s our human nature.
I think that a lot of educated Black women do have ridiculous standards (i.e. a 6’5″ chocolate delight) – there just aren’t enough athletes to go around ladies, & really? Unless ur into wrangling tigers, u won’t be happy w/ an athlete anyway. Standards are important, expectations even… For example, I’m attracted to men who work hard, are goal oriented, sees a future beyond himself (w/ a family, giving back to the community etc.), etc… I understand that a successful woman feels as though she deserves an equal, but does his complexion, how much $ he makes, how tall he is even have to enter the equation? Gotta say it, lots of sisters need to reevaluate. But truly in light of that, I argue that instead of creating a list of characteristics you would want a man to subscribe to, just be open to healthy friendships & relationships; one may find that instead of searching for the “what” she wants, she will be discovering the “who” she wants instead.
I think that dating non-black men is a viable option. Y not? If he wants to love you, y not? It doesn’t have to be a “black man” issue at all… like I suggest, being open to meaningful friendships/relationships where color plays no factor may prove amazing.
I think sisters need to be more confident (now we’ve had this convo many a times before). Of this even the most successful & beautiful of us are GUILTY. Hating on each other is not a good look & needs to stop. Hating on each other is a sign that we women don’t love ourselves enough, & if we can’t love ourselves how can we expect others, expect men, to love us?
& lastly for now, I think that we REALLY need to invest efforts into a social/cultural shift – we need to keep our black men alive, out of jail, in school & in the homes! I think that if we could achieve that, these “statistics” would surely change for the better.
I’m curious to know who put on who to this issue… Epidemiologists? Black women? The stats r the stats tho, & I think lots of Black women do want to talk about it b/c they truly do want love. I just pray that all women’s hearts get what they desire.
Toasting Love in 2010!
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ASmith Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:26 am
I think sisters need to be more confident (now we’ve had this convo many a times before). Of this even the most successful & beautiful of us are GUILTY. Hating on each other is not a good look & needs to stop. Hating on each other is a sign that we women don’t love ourselves enough, & if we can’t love ourselves how can we expect others, expect men, to love us?
I went out NYE with a couple of friends. We were all dressed pretty casually because we wanted it to be a lowkey evening. We ended up at a bar in a hotel. The up and down looks my female friend and I got as we walked through the lobby were RIDICULOUS. I honestly wanted to stop and say “Ladies, it’s cool if you don’t do the once over look just this one night…” But honestly, I think it’s habit for too many of us… We do have to stop throwing the #shade, it’s important. (and yes, I just used a hashtag in an off-Twitter comment)
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Peyso Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:27 am
But seriously, can i hook u up? I got someone for you, dead arse. Not me either
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CHeeKZ Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 10:23 pm
Rox doesn’t need help finding a man… she is beating them off with a stick.
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
I think that dating non-black men is a viable option. Y not? If he wants to love you, y not? It doesn’t have to be a “black man” issue at all… like I suggest, being open to meaningful friendships/relationships where color plays no factor may prove amazing.
While I agree with this I feel like men keep putting that option out there like we (Black women) are just shooting down white/latino/indian/asian/eskimo men left and right. I’ve always been open to dating men of other races/ethnicities but none have ever seriously hollered.
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ASmith Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
You’re right about this. There are some black women out there who outright refuse to date non-black men, but I thinkt he larger problem is that faction has turned into the stereotype and many non-black men believe black women aren’t interested.
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Girl you read my mind…
I had to stop visiting blogs and clicking on facebook posts over the last few months because I got really sick and tired of people telling me why Black women are single.
Am I looking for a relationship… I dunno? I’ve never been anyone’s “official girl”. Can you really miss something you’ve never had? I’d like a partner, but I’m not trying to be with just anyone. I don’t meet men I’m interested in often and I’m not out hunting. Next time I meet someone I like it would be nice if it worked out for once…
I haven’t commented in a while and Cheekz said he’s missed my stories so I’ll share this anecdote:
The day after Christmas my sister’s best friend came over… She gushed over my holiday wreath and then gawked at me with disbelief when she found out I MADE it, with live greenery no less. She then rolled her eyes when I presented her with the homemade snowflake-shaped sugar cookies I made (from scratch) and packaged nicely for any unexpected holiday guests.
After my sister let her taste the jerk wings I’d made the day before (so we’d have food in the house over the weekend) she just stopped and yelled:
“where the HELL did you learn how to do all of this stuff?!?!?”
My hatin’ ass sister skips over, throws me a side-eye and goes:
“she ain’t got a man either so, doing all of that domestic shit don’t help.”
And there I sat in defeat… I’m in my 20s, no kids, educated, I have lovely weave-free hair that stays done, I have great DC boobs,
a wicked head game, a clean home, I bake, I cook, I even make my own friggin wreaths but I’m just as single as these twonever having a job, damn near 40, blunt smokin’, baby mommas#tragic
I felt bad for about 60 seconds but then I remembered that I love me. I think I rock and anyone who doesn’t can kick rocks! I’m all the things I am not because that’s what I think men like but because that’s who I am, and the mess in these articles isn’t gonna make me change who I am. If 2009 proved anything to me it’s that I have no clue what “black men today” are looking for and in 2010 I’ve decided I don’t care.
My homeboy once told me that the person you’re with should be just as excited about you as you are about them and I agree. NBC, ABC, the AP, and BET can kiss my ass. I’m single because I have yet to meet someone whos eyes light up at the same time as mine.
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Rox Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 12:54 am
::Like::
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Renee Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 1:06 am
“…I have great DC boobs, a wicked head game, a clean home, I bake, I cook, I even make my own friggin wreaths but I’m just as single as these two never having a job, damn near 40, blunt smokin’, baby mommas”
WOW <—– All I can say, Miss J. done got something started, I'm next.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 1:39 am
Girl, you betta go ‘head. And tell ya hatin ass sister to step off and learn to make some damn cookies.
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Yo from MN Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 2:02 am
I definitely like your attitude and would have to agree on all counts because if you don’t love yourself nobody else will either.
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BlessdAssurance Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 2:18 am
100%… well said…
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N.I.A. naturally.... Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 8:32 am
co-sign all this ish!! Very well said!!
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ASmith Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:29 am
Damn. Hateration from your own fam (as they enjoy your cookies and wings… unacceptable).
But you have it right in your head, anyway. There will be a man who appreciates your domestic abilities. Your sister and her friend can run through men and never keep ‘em while you wait for the one who will stay…. ask me who I think will win in the end…
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Cheekie Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 12:31 pm
o_O @ “she ain’t got a man either so, doing all of that domestic shit don’t help.”
Hateration all up in
this danceryyo kitchen! Yeah, because all those cookin’ skills were solely to land a man. Mmhmm. It ain’t like you gotta eat, or *gasp*…you enjoy doing it.Reply
CHeeKZ Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 10:29 pm
“and Cheekz said he’s missed my stories so I’ll share this anecdote:”
I co-sign my co-sign.
Cherry runs a great blog.
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LittleMissSunshine Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 12:14 am
I’m all for this response! I really just thought it was me but I’m perfectly fine with who I am and I’m perfectly fine with waiting to find someone who loves me for every bit of who I am. If that never happens- well I’m more into my career than a man anyway
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CPT Callamity Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 12:03 pm
If Ms. Cherry has great D.C. boobs she needs the Captain in her life…she can cook too?
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 5:07 pm
Uh-oh do I have a potential e-suitor? lol
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This is a great topic, Welcome back!!!
In the last week or so, I was on a hair blog where someone posted a link of one of these depressing, black women are not getting married, 40% of us will die alone, most black men are gay, in jail or uneducated stories, it may have been a CNN report.
The truth is, I don’t need CNN to tell me its harder for me to find a man than my white counterparts. What’s the purpose of these stories anyway, if its true then I probably have a pretty good idea of the world I live in, no need to rub it in CNN.
I’m not gonna lie, it does get depressing sometime. In my field I rarely come in contact with black people, and black Twenty-something Males, NEVER! But I do get to watch my non-minority co-workers hookup, get in relationships, get married, get pregnant, all the things I hope to experience one day…but I told myself I wouldn’t freak-out before 30, so I have some time.
The thing that gets lost on me is while I was in college, there was a good balance, I had mixed classes with black males, but now after college I am seriously wondering what happened to these guys who use to sit next to me in Marketing 101, something doesn’t add up.
The only places where I ever meet career oriented black men are happy hours and business networking events specifically geared towards minorities, but there ends up being a 3:1 female to male ratio, the guys pretty much treat these events like a candy shop and I have no patience for it.
I have considered the whole “dating outside my race thing” but to be honest I don’t even date light skin dudes, so I’m not ready for that. And all the questions about my hair ugh, did anyone see “Something New”? I’m not convinced.
Lastly, I have 2 friends my age (both black) who are married to black men, the only thing is neither of them are american. I sometime wonder if my odds are different because I am Caribbean and would prefer to marry to a Caribbean man. But ultimately, I leave it all in gods hands. Can’t wait to see what everyone else has to say about the topic because all I have are questions.
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ASmith Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:31 am
The thing that gets lost on me is while I was in college, there was a good balance, I had mixed classes with black males, but now after college I am seriously wondering what happened to these guys who use to sit next to me in Marketing 101, something doesn’t add up.
That’s a good point. My classes weren’t quite so mixed, but there were a good number of black men. I’m trying to think where they are now… Hmm…
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LittleMissSunshine Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 12:15 am
In the case of my classmates… married or engaged. to black women. I kid thee not.
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*applauding*
Absolutely wonderful post!!! Simply brillant!
Ms. Jenkins, you’ve said/written all that I have thought on this very topic and it is much appreciate it.
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Omg. I don’t know where to start. I couldn’t read all the comments but Rox, I definitely agree with you. My first time on the site and I like what I’m reading. Sbm is just as great. But back to the topic at hand, I feel like black women are just getting too picky. Certain height requurements, complextions, income status, religion, and what have you. I can’t front, at a younger age of 18, I had physical standards that a man had to meet before I was even interested. But I’m 20 now and i’ve dropped such ridiculous requirement of over 6 ft, chocolate, etc. Not that I’m going to settle but I would love to share myself with someone who’s just…deserving. I definitely don’t want a damn thug or a street runner. I love this topic. I can’t find the right words for my comment but we, as black women, need to wake up and think about things like this. I’m 20, like I said and the words “my clock is ticking” has already left my mouth. ? oh boy…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 8:29 am
Welcome to the site!
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*here-here!* Great Post!…
I too am tired of people overstating the obvious. It’s unfortunate that the statistics are as daunting as they are, but that’s just the situation
i.e. Jersey Shore.I think it ultimately comes down to compatibility. For me, I think of how my future husband and I will raise our children. I don’t really have any set of “standards” persee, so could I, as an Ivy League graduate potentially fall in love with a bus driver with no degree who treats me right? Possibly. But then when our kids graduate from HS, and my husband tells them “you don’t have to go to college; it aint for everyone” we’re gonna end up fighting! lmaoAt the end of the day, I’m not worried, and living in NYC I haven’t felt the “shortage” to the degree of others, I’m just enjoying myself and my youth right now. Thanks CNN
lol
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I do think alot of women have a list in their mind of requirements and when a man doesn’t meet the list, they deem him unfit for a relationship. I think, women (black women) could be in relationships if they relaxed their standards just a tad bit.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 9:07 am
word. Or shift what they focus on. Like it’s been said in other comments, if he fits that phyiscal image but treats you like poo, you’ll still end up single.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 9:29 am
“I think, women (black women) could be in relationships if they relaxed their standards just a tad bit.”
I actually agree with this completely. However, I’ve heard a few people make some arguments on the issue of settling vs. compromising. Some people don’t know how to determine which is which.
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Renee Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 10:07 am
I just have to say, Why is it a problem for black women to have standards but not other races? Is it to say we are too choosey or that Black men are shit so we should lower our standards and expectations. I just don’t like where that way of thinking leads, should the blame really be on “US”, I don’t think I should have to constantly wonder if my standards are too high. I understand the whole settling vs. Compromising argument, but I don’t believe its as simple as that. If all all single black women crossed 2 things off their list today, I still don’t think that would affect whether they are headed down the isle in 1 year.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tolerated some slackness from black men in my time and I date more on personality than looks. But the things that are on my list are there for a reason.
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ASmith Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:37 am
Personally, I think we should focus more on what the standards are. Those women out there who want him to be a certain height with just the right complexion are tripping.
Expecting him to be intelligent, hold a conversation, treat you well, etc… is appropriate, I think.
We get into murky waters when we start talking about the type of job they should have and level of education. On the one hand, I can’t interact with someone who can’t talk to me about something a bit more deep than the weather, but I don’t need him to have an Ivy League degree in mechanical engineering either.
I understand not all smart people have good jobs and graduated from a top tier university, but some women don’t and go looking for that piece of paper to deem a man certified. Having said that, I was shocked to hear my white friend tell me she won’t date a man who can’t provide for her in the way she’s accustomed to (that sounds so snobby now, but when she said it, I was shocked by how NOT snobby it sounded… how basic and acceptable it was). ::shrug::
There’s a happy medium around here somewhere, we just need to find it.
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Renee Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
Yup there is a happy medium. I think the one thing I can never compromise on is being with a man who treats me with repect (which covers a lot). Education level can be deceiving, I once met a guy who was a writer, mostly Vibe, Source, ect and he never went to college, but was clearly intelligent and driven, and I know a guy with a Masters degree who is a total bum and cannot hold down a job. We do have to be flexible, and judge men on character.
I see what your friend was saying about someone that allows her to maintain her lifestyle. I mean I work my ass off to be able to buy the cloths I like, take a few vacations a year, go to nice dinners. Do I really have to be willing to give that up for a man. I don’t need a man to make more or even as much as I do. I just wouldn’t be happy being married to someone where the financial burden would be on me forever. I’ve seen it happen and that will breakup a marriage with the quickness. Women do not respect men who they don’t belive can provide for their family.
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Carver The Great Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 10:48 am
i call BS on this so called “requirements” list that black women have. as a man who only dates sistas and has serially dated “successful” sistas since my college days i have learned that if you approach a woman properly and treat her right she’ll give you a chance.
i’m 5’9″ and have dated women who typically would cancel me out based on height alone. i ain’t morris chestnut but i ain’t flava flav either. i’m well groomed, have a sense of humor, and can hold intelligent convos…that alone gets your foot in the door
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Peyso Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 10:51 am
Maybe you’re just the man…
Pawse
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Carver The Great Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:02 am
i concur! but i shouldn’t be the man for exhibiting the basics
only n*ggers want credit for sh*t they are supposed to do (c) chris rock
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MeteorMan Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
co-sign.
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 4:28 pm
if you approach a woman properly and treat her right she’ll give you a chance
Pretty much!
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 10:03 am
Word!
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Morning!!! First let me say I’m so glad you guys are back, I was having 3 ways withdrawals and it wasn’t pretty! I’ve been reading your blog for a while but this is my first post.
Thank You, thank you, thank you for putting this topic on blast. As an educated woman in her mid 30′s I’m SO OVER everyone analyzing what we are and aren’t doing that has led us to be single.
I live in a small town and can count the eligible bachelors on one hand. It’s not that I’m picky, I mean what’s wrong with wanting a man who has all his teeth?
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I think its funny that you feel this way.
Ultimately, the only reason that this is news is because black women have been complaining about it. Once something is news, EVERYONE has the right to comment. If black women stop bringing it up then it will go away (at least the publicity). So many ppl say that they want black men to help solve the issue but then when black men try to (not necessarily successfully but at least try) they get screamed at. Its like black women were not expecting this to be put back on them at all. Like all black women were expecting black men to get together and say “I’ll do better, I promise” eff outta here.
I dont think black women are too anything or too anything else. I feel that women, not just black, date resumes instead of the person in front of them. Many more times you see the rich dude w/ the hood scalleywag rather than vice versa
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nyhoop Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 10:39 am
but do (Black) women really reject guys so often? Seriously, I would like to know. Usually when I’m out, if a guy approaches me or my friends, and is attractive at least on the surface, he’s not going to get turned away. Maybe I’m in a bubble, but I have yet to witness multitudes of “good” Black men who get turned away because they aren’t 6’3″ or whatever lol…
Guys, please feel free to answer this for me…
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Peyso Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 10:42 am
I dont know who your friends are but dudes be getting turned down fam…
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CVal Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 10:47 am
For real, black men get shot down all the time. Like Peyso said, yall like the resumes. Maybe thats why we don’t mind branching outside of race, less judgemental #kanyeshrug
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The Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Raggamuffin Extraordinaire Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 10:49 am
Ok….define not getting turned away. Cuz if you mean he approaches you, you guys talk, then go seperate ways forever, that’s not quite exactly a success in a man’s book. And while we’re at it, what constitutes a “good” black man?
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nyhoop Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:02 am
I say “good” Black Man, just for arguments sake, of that man that has a good resume, but may fall short in other
for lack of a better word, shallowrequirement areas, such as height, income, or whatever other women consider…and in terms of not getting turned away, I mean, yall exchange numbers or pins or whatever, lol. How the relationship goes from there is a two-way street, no?
(and don’t pretend that you as men do not have traits you look for either, lol. Maybe we aren’t meeting them, which circles back to the topic? I dunno…)
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Nik Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:42 pm
The reason black men get shut down 75% of the time is because somewhere along the line the woman you think is attractive likely encountered someone else who felt the same way but came at her foul. Solution: YOU can start by telling every dude YOU know who does that (cuz all of you know at least one) to stop being a dummy cuz they’re effin it up for the rest of y’all…
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MeteorMan Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Seriously… It’s like a bunch of women were born with busted ‘good Black Men’ radars. Thus for some reason it takes the average woman much longer to recognize that a ‘good’ Black man (even by her own definition). It’s sad really…
Then mostly I see females that be man bashing about why we always want to smash/crush. Those are the same females that make dumb choices in terms of dudes then blame the entire male species for their stupid choices. No… you didn’t listen to your friends or family, other dudes, your radar was broken and you made a flat out dumb decision. *whew* lol
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 10:06 am
I don’t even think the radar is broken a lot of times. I think its just set on the wrong target. Saying they want one thing and going after something else. All women are guilty of this at some point or another.
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Renee Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:00 am
OK you can’t really believe its news because black women are complaining about it, C’mon son! Seriously I complain to my friends about everything, men, work, my hair, gaining 5 pounds, as I’m sure other women do and none of my girls are CNN reporters. I personally believe its big news because the media’s main focus is to constantly reinterate that white america is happier and more sucessful than us. It keeps the mainsteam audiance happy, because it confirms that they are better than the blacks, that’s just my personal theory on news in general. News is not dictated by the people, its dictated by the people with money, its dictated by white america. If the news was dictated by us, then why don’t we constantly see news reports about the strides we are making in corporate america, no that’s just a single line in the story, “Meet Letisha Johnson, she is a doctor, graduated at the top of her class, but she is single, can’t find a man, destine to be alone, today she is at the sperm bank…
It’s not just this that irks me, I’m tired of the media always shining a spotlight on every negativity in the black community.
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Peyso Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:04 am
Thus, you prove my point. White America is not in tune w/ Black America. They dont know how we feel about issues and what makes us tick. If black women didnt complain to every Tom, Dick and Harriet about this, White America wouldnt even know that they had this one up on us
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Renee Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:18 am
Still your telling me to shutup and stop complaining. Eff that, I’m complaining.
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Peyso Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:19 am
Complain all you want, just dont be mad when everyone is talking about what you’ve been complaining about
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 10:12 am
That’s bull. The Census data started this. Not complaints. Let’s be real.
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Peyso Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 10:19 am
The census data shows alot of stuff that isnt up on CNN. Why is all of wealth concentrated in a few areas? Why is our black wealth concentrated in a few areas? Why does Brownsville, Brooklyn have more rats than any urban area in the USA? Its more than census data…
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I know why Tiff is single…and hopefully they give her the cream in the bing to clear that ish up. o_O
Back with more later.
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i live in atlanta, i hear this topic discussed all day, it enrages me to the point i want to punch babies…but i digress.
i personally don’t believe the hype, i think there are just as many unsuccessful single black women as there are successful single black women. the difference is that the bonquisha n dem don’t have computers and/or cable
a wack chick is a wack chick, period. serena williams has all the money in the world and STILL looks like a man. no diss to my man common, but i wouldn’t wife that.
success deez (c) the champ
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:14 am
lmao at punching a baby.
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Peyso Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:24 am
You buggin, I wife the hell out of Serena. She rich and her body is stooopid. So what she a BUttahead
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Carver The Great Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:40 am
sun i’m all for beating buttaheads (and wifing rich ones if need be). buttaheads need love too.
but serena has shoulders like dwight howard and a face like rupaul…that makes my p3nis soft, sorry can’t do it
if only photoshop was real…
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Peyso Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:47 am
No offense or disrespect to anyone and I apologize in advance, but turn that jawn around and she’s beautiful
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Cheekie Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
*dying* @ “if only photoshop was real”. LMFAO. Whoever invents that? Would be one rich mofo. And I bet it would be Steve Jobs. iPhotoshop or some ish.
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Peyso Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 1:00 pm
what would he call it? iNowthinkyoulookbetter? I think they exist, they’re call drunk goggles
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Cheekie Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Yeah, but think of the possiblities of being able to just change someone’s appearance with a gadget like photoshop in real life. Drunk goggles wear off. The gadget wouldn’t. lol
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I have a real comment but since its the first official day back and I missed actin a fool and I had the worst night ever…..
Its no sociological/epidemiological phenomenon why black women are single. Its simple.
Black women are single cuz they spend all day talkin about it on blog sites and not enough time finding/securing/pleasing their men. =D
Missed you Miss J!! :-* good post. And Rox, I second your whole post!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:16 am
Gotta admit Joey, I thought something similar. I knew if I said it I’d lose a ton of followers and site subscribers. I been meaning to address though. What’s also interesting is that all of the really popular relationship blogs are run by black men, yet the blog world is dominated by women. Somethings not adding up.
Please don’t unfollow me!
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Renee Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:31 am
Wow slim, I was just thinking the same thing, like why isn’t there a Single Black Women blog, but the truth is I already know how a woman thinks, and these blogs kinda give me an insight into how men think, and I really appreciate that. Sadly I agree with Joey and if I had a man my time on blogs would decrease significantly. If we were all in happy relationships, nobody would read #imjustsaying.
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This is a trending topic because all the “barber shop” talk amongst our people is starting to make waves. It’s a trending blog topic, people are making youtube videos about it, Steve Harvey even wrote a book about it. Add to the fact that the First Lady seems to have found her a good black man, and this becomes newsworthy. CNN has already taken the privledge of exploring the black experience twice, why not dig deeper into black women’s bidness?
Of course this problematic! I’ll tell you why later. Don’t you just love meetings?
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nyhoop Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:10 am
looking forward to hearing your perspective!
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The Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Raggamuffin Extraordinaire Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 1:46 pm
Just love meetings…
So yea, this is problematic because it’s just another one of those symptoms of what’s wrong w/ “our” community. You could look at the simple math of the eventual population decline of black folks if they aren’t getting hitched and poppin’ out babies. Or you could look at the fact that our “communities” are so fractured that we can’t come together in holy matrimony, or anything else for that matter. I’m certainly not saying single black women are the beginning and end of all our problems, but the fact that there are so many single black women because black men for whatever reason are unavailable is very problematic.
Everyone wants to find those one or two sucessful black people that we and future generations can look up to…what about finding that successful black family (that isnt the one that’s in the White House). On both sides of the coin, people are becoming about I and me and not we. And naturally because of the numbers game women get the short end of the stick. This becomes a uniquely female problem because the fellas always have the ratio in their favor. Sucks huh?
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Ladies, please help me understand why so many women will write a guy off for any kind of serious relationship JUST because you met at the club?
i understand that the club isn’t the ideal place to meet your “soulmate” but YOU are at the club, how are you gonna knock him for being there too?
and i won’t even start on women who talk about how wack their ex-bf’s are….bish you dated that nucca for 2 years, you’re wack for sticking around that long….
sorry, i’m venting
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nyhoop Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:52 am
“i’m 5?9? and have dated women who typically would cancel me out based on height alone. i ain’t morris chestnut but i ain’t flava flav either. i’m well groomed, have a sense of humor, and can hold intelligent convos…that alone gets your foot in the door”
You have summed it up in those sentences. I don’t see men like yourself (as you have described) being shunned. Not to say it doesn’t happen, I just don’t see it. In regards to your venting, I agree. I feel that if I am in a space, chances are, I’m not the only “sane” person in that space. Perhaps its the clubs you go to? I don’t go to just any club. I know the promoters; I know the crowd will be like-minded…
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Cheekie Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 12:23 pm
“Ladies, please help me understand why so many women will write a guy off for any kind of serious relationship JUST because you met at the club?
i understand that the club isn’t the ideal place to meet your “soulmate” but YOU are at the club, how are you gonna knock him for being there too?”
Yup, this is my mentality, too. I mean, some grimy and greasy niccas that be at the club, wouldn’t make em any less grimy and greasy if I first saw them at the grocery store.
I don’t go to the club specifically looking for a serious relationship since in reality, not many are, but I wouldn’t write it off.
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Renee Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
To be honest, I was under the impression that men in the club are only interested in smashing, who am I kidding, men in general are only interested in smashing, but I don’t write off a man for being in a club, I write him off for his approach. If we dance, he asks for my number and I find him attractive, I might give it to him (might based on the vibe I’m getting, or if I’ve noticed him making the rounds). The thing is if the 1st phone conversation is about me coming over to “watch a movie”, ill probably put him on ignore, since that doesn’t show that he is interested in a relationship anyway. Men in general just need to be respectful, and talk to women like people, tell us about themself and ask a few questions about us too. I hate how guys in the club try to come at us all smooth, talking low, bragging, ect, that’s when they get denied.
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
I guess my last problem with meeting men at the club, at least here in the Nation’s Capitol, is this whole “stand and look fly” deal dudes around here have going on. They come to the club rocking too many pieces of flair… like you got on the faux prescription glasses, a bowtie, a sweater vest (ain’t you hot under that), a scarf, and a hat. They stand in groups at the bar being obnoxious. When you approach the bar they give you the over the shoulder side-eye like “bitch I ain’t buying drinks” I wasn’t expecting you to, but could you be I dunno… POLITE and move the eff out of the way for 2mins so I can buy my own?! I shouldn’t have to fight my way past you.
Men in DC seem to be more into going out to the club to floss than going out to meet anyone. Yes, there’s a part of all of us that goes out to be seen. If I didn’t want to be seen I’d have worn a dress with a higher neckline and not spent so much money getting my hair done just to sweat it out but a lot of men I see out are just not approachable and come off artificial. It’s like what someone on SBM said about not hitting on the hottest girl in the club. I’m not looking to holler at the flyest dude in the club. I’m looking for someone chill and little less metro.
While I’m venting… what is up with all the SLEAZINESS at the club??!?! It’s the #1 reason why I hate going to the club in DC. If you catch me near the end of the night then yeah I’m probably going to throw you a side-eye and scoot away when you come up to dance. Why?… Because I’ve had men groping at me all night and I’m over it! That whole “excuse me I’m just trying to get by
and grabbing your ass and getting a free feel at anything else I can reach as I’m passingthing is rude and gets real old, real quick. After a few hours of that I’m no longer in the mood to deal with men.Like you said earlier I think it has to do with the approach. I don’t go to the club like I used to because of the reasons mentioned above, but at a certain point I also started hesitating on giving guys at the club my number because their post-club approaches were usually another turn-off.
If I meet you at the club and we exchange numbers, just because I met you at 2am doesn’t mean it’s okay to call me at 2am the next night. If you want to get to know me then call me at non-bootycall hours (that goes for any man I meet).
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Renee Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 6:23 pm
Hahaha I still get so much amusement out of the excuse me/cheap feel phenomenon, its hilarious, I don’t even get mad, its one of those things you sign up for when you walk into the club. But no one has ever gotten out of pocket enough to grab my ass, just a hand lingers on the small of my back a few seconds too long, or he passes unnecessarily close to me for no reason.
“They come to the club rocking too many pieces of flair… like you got on the faux prescription glasses, a bowtie, a sweater vest (ain’t you hot under that), a scarf, and a hat”
Yea this whole 80′s thing has gone to far, I was in a club in September and Funk Master Flex embarrassed one dude so bad like “My dude in the blue sweater, why the eff is your bowtie so tight, take that ish off”, Flex actually went on like this for like 1/2 between songs, the whole club was rolling.
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I’m SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad u guys are back!
But Miss Jenkins…this post has PERFECT timing! I was driving into work this morning and-i kid u not-every radio station i turned to was talking about the plight of the professional, single, black woman. Those topics drive me INSANE. Like you said, i feel as though i am being studied, but at the same time, i don’t feel like those statistics apply to me.
The problem i have with all of these reports and studies is that it’s causing women to become paranoid. When women become paranoid, they become desperate. When they become desperate, they do dumb sh*t that keeps them single.
And why do people make it seem like being single is the end of the world? It’s really not that serious IMO…people need to stop tying their self worth into whether or not they have somebody…that’s how you end up with the wrong person and that just causes an entire different set of issues…
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I think what’s killing me is everybody’s making money off this percieved plight except black women. I mean, we’ve hit a new low if we have white women (yeah, I know it was a black woman who did the “real” interview, but the face of Nightline is Cynthia McFadden) trying to help us figure out what to do about our huge problem.
Honestly, all the “advice” I read (about a problem I’m not quiiiiiiiiite sure exists for real) sounds like common sense to me; common sense you can get for free from your married friend (we all have at least one, yes?) or from your guy friends (we all have at least one, yes?). But if you wanna pay a comedian to tell you how to get your ma-yan, then so be it.
The real thing is, this wasn’t an “issue” until someone got on TV and said it was. Men on the “down low” had been happening for years before J.L. King went on Oprah but that moment made it an epidemic. It’s amazing how we live these stories everyday not thinking too much about it until somebody who is not us writes a book about it — suddenly, it’s a problem.
I do have friends who are single and wish they weren’t, but they’re not all black. I have friends who are married and wish they weren’t — some of them are black.
I know one other thing — even though all those women in that Nightline special were single and didn’t want to be, I guarantee the reason for their singleness is a)not all because of a “lack” of eligible black men and b)not the same for each one.
I ran into a guy I went to high school. He is THE guy all my female friends say they want. He’s educated (Ivy league), he has a good job (in NYC), he’s a good guy, intelligent, loves his mama but not too much (lol)…. and yet he’s very single. I can’t figure it out. Someone’s going to tell me he must be picky or something else must be wrong, but I get a strong feeling it’s because you won’t find this guy in the “typical” places to meet women (e.g. clubs and bars) and I also have a strong feeling a non-black woman is going to get him; not because he prefers them, but she’ll be where he is and the black women who would want him won’t.
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Peyso Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:43 am
I thought this got big when they announced the movie for the book that isnt even written yet?
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ASmith Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:47 am
It got big when Steve Harvey wrote that book and went on Oprah.
But honestly, we’ve been talking about it forever on the blogs so who really knows when White America started paying attention?
I’m waiting on someone’s blog post about how a white friend called them and offered to introduce them to her lone black male co-worker and how much that offended her.
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The Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Raggamuffin Extraordinaire Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 3:53 pm
LOL…did he tell you he was single? He’s probably wang slanging everything in the Tri state area.
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ASmith Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 3:55 pm
LOL. Possibly. He told me he was single and then asked about a friend of mine…
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Anonymous Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 4:24 pm
great post.
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Reecie Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
sorry that anonymous is me. my bad. but ASmith you are on it with your friend: the black women won’t be where he is. I think that is pretty spot on.
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Ok all jokes aside.
To me this issue is news worthy and that’s why its getting so much air time in the press, the statistics are alarming, period. I also think that this issue needs to be addressed in the black community, it’s not all the black woman’s fault nor all the black man’s. Some, no most, of these issues that are always brought up when people talk about this issue (independent, bitchy etc.) is no coincidence that the majority of black women possess this mindset and views about men, they are learned behaviors and were learned from the female role-models that we had growing up.
There is some truth to all the points in the blog and some things that were unsaid. For instance, one of the main topics people fail to point out and that brings most of the points of this blog together regard the fact that while all this talk is about the black woman venturing out and exploring other races, it’s never said that the men of other cultures and races are far less tolerant to the independent behavior that is touched on within this email.
This is partially because they (other cultures) tend never to encounter women with our type of strength or will (not mother, sister, aunt or grandmother) and yes I said strength, because it’s exactly what it is, no woman in history had to go through the things the black woman had to endure and that is why our outer shell is soo hard; this is a both a positive and a negative.
The strength is the same thing that allows her to get through medical school and not be wavered from her goals and this POSITIVE virtue has been passed down from generation to generation from mother to daughter and this is a strength that in my honest opinion that the black woman has somewhat of patent on when compared in numbers with woman of other races. This can be attributed to the lack of necessity of the intense strength because the presence of the male to negate the need for the female to be only rock in the household.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 11:59 am
I’m sorry Danielle, but this topic is not news worthy, it’s blog & barber shop/ beauty salon worthy, but it shouldn’t be it’s own report on CNN. BET maybe. If they did stuff like that. TVOne ok. I’d even go for part of a “Black in America” segment, but this is ridiculous.
It’s getting air time because Black women have been addressing it so much the media decided to cash in. Asian men are low on the dating scale too, but you didn’t see a group of Asian guys discussing it at a round table. I’d rather see more news on the war in Afghanistan and the withdrawal plan for Iraq. CNN doesn’t care about us. Lol.
Seriously though, I admire a Black woman’s strength to face adversities in her life and overcome, but leave that strength at the door sometimes. A man is trying to build with you, not fight for the reins of the relationship. My folks ebb and flow, there’s not a constant “come here Negro” look on my mom’s face nor is my mom a submissive African American geisha.
Balance, for both parties. Do you find that your strength is looked at as a hinderence?
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Danielle Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
Do I see it as a hindrance, of course not. Without that strength I would have never been able to raise my child while attending college and earning my Accounting degree.
There is a thin line between having strength and being stubborn. Have I walked that line before? Sure, on many occasions. That being said, I’m aware that some men regardless of race can find this intimidating and realize the importance of not emasculating my man.
However, when that strength turns into a you can’t tell me nothing, I can do bad all by myself, there’s nothing a man can do for me that I can’t do for myself mentality then it becomes a hindrance.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 2:39 pm
I’m happy you know and carefully tread that line. Your child has a great role model in you. Thanks for visiting the site!
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Umoja my nubian sisters!
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Cheekie Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
*raises fist*
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Ok, it’ smy turn to exhale….
First, let’s stop with the “relaxing standards” and “dating resumes” talk. Professional black women date “down” more than any other group of professional women. And by down I mean a man with a lower educational level and/or a lower level, blue-collar job. All of the married white female attorneys at my firm have husbands who are attorneys, doctors, or top business men. And the single white women date attorneys, doctors, businessmen. They are not lowering their standards to date the security guard or the bus driver. However, the black women willingly date the gambit of black men. If we relaxed our standards any more, we would be dating dudes w/ 25 to life.
Also, maybe we should stop listening to unmarried, neverbeenmarried
menpeople on blogs tell us what we should be doing. Where are the married folk? I think black men and black women would do better if we listened to our married elders. Not other single people who are just as confused as you are.Final thought, none of these articles, news reports, interviews make me feel bad about my single status. I’m single and I AM HAPPY!! I refuse to let stats define who I am and where I’m going.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
“Also, maybe we should stop listening to unmarried, neverbeenmarried
menpeople on blogs tell us what we should be doing.”There’s a reason that I don’t write a lot of “advice” posts. And the ones I do write have a humor element attached.
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N.I.A. naturally.... Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 12:13 pm
I forgot one thing…
I think the real issue isn’t why are so many of us single, but why aren’t we getting married? As a people, we are not getting married. No matter who we date, black women are not getting married. The truth is a man CHOOSES a wife. So, why aren’t black men choosing to get married? Or, why aren’t they marrying black women? And please save the racial stereotypes, b/c that’s all BS. Perhaps this is a little deeper than single successful, professional black women can’t get married. Well, she can’t marry herself, and black men are just as single….
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Danielle Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
Right Nia, that’s what we should be discussing. Hill Harper has a book called The Conversation and he explores this topic. I think that we aren’t getting married because a vast majority of us are being raised in single parent households where the girls see their mothers doing everything for and by themselves and the boys see their fathers with different woman and skirting responsibility. Both are hearing their mothers, aunts and other females dog men out and over time they tend to believe it. So the boys grow up to be playas that are afraid of commitment and the girls grow up to be overly independent single woman.
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Renee Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
I have the Hill Harper book but I haven’t read it yet, too busy staring at the beautiful man on the cover…**Tamera fr Sister Sister Sigh**
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Danielle Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 2:12 pm
I like to read in bed and had to remove the book cover because I kept finding myself, umm…. distracted
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Hmm, if a man chooses his wife and women choose their s*xual partners…
Ehh, I won’t even go down that path today.
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N.I.A. naturally.... Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
No Slim… you should go there. Part of our(black men/black women) problem is a lack of thoughtful communication…
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Cheekie Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
I agree with N.I.A….please go there. Mostly because I wanna where “there” is. Where you’re going with that?
I’m intrigued.
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Danielle Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
I agree with Nia. I can’t beleive your going to hold back!! We can’t learn and grow if you keep silent.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
I just think it’s interesting. Women ultimately want commitment. Men want poon. Women control the supply of poon and select those they deem worthy to enter it. Men don’t typically want commitment when they know there’s a lot of poon to be had. Men want what women have. Women want what men don’t unless they have good reason. I guess we all need to work on determining what that good reason is.
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Danielle Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
I don’t think the african-american woman wants commitment any more than her racial counterparts but if she knows there is a shortage of suitors (not even suitors that definitively want commitment) and she is not as much of a commodity as successful women of other races because of that, then she doesn’t have the luxury of withholding the poon as some women would have, it’s supply and demand and market over-saturation. If there are three women out for every man that is labeled as “successful” then she can’t withhold too long on something that he doesn’t really see as a commodity. If the man knows that he is the commodity then things will always be backwards and dudes that weren’t going to be players will be compelled to make a business decision about utilizing their stock to the fullest extent.
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N.I.A. naturally.... Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
Just a few thoughts….
Women don’t always want commitment, but we ultimately want to be committed to one man, and have him committed to us. Men will always want poon, but will ultimately want something more substantial and committed to go along with that poon. It is not good for man to be alone, and ultimately, he will desire his helper that is just right for him (helper, helpmate, suitable for him. Translated a few different ways, but it all means the same.). So, we have 2 people who ultimately want the same thing, yet we can’t seem to find our way to each other. Instead of coming together, we find ways to stay away from each other. Men allow other men who are either single or who have failed as husbands to tell them that marriage and commitment (but mostly marriage) sucks. Women allow other women who are single or who have failed at being a wife tell us that black men all suck and can’t be committed anyway.
Black man, it’s not your fault. She needs to lower her standards, date outside her race the way you do, stop looking at resumes, let you be a man, learn to be a woman, date older men, stop complaining, stop being a gold digger, etc. And, there’s no good reason to be committed with all this poon around you. Eff it!
Black woman, it’s not your fault. They’re all in jail or dead, not on your level, should be more loyal to black women, immature, incapable of real commitment, mama’s boys, disrespectful, pathetic excuses for men, etc.
And with all of this noise, no wonder men avoid marriage like the plague, and women drive themselves crazy looking for the needle in a hay stack. Basically, we’ve all be duped, and the black family is suffering, and will continue to suffer until we stop allowing others to dictate our feelings and our actions towards each other and towards marriage.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 3:50 pm
Welcome to co-sign city……welcome to cosign citttayy!
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“He noted that women need to remember the time (RIP MJ) when women would actively work to please their men. He continued that women need to re-learn to be submissive and “take one step back and to the left, and follow” a man’s vision.”
o_O. And how about those nice young fellas who don’t know how to be men. There are so many women who have developed this “eff a man, I can man up myself” mentality due to hardships with men. One of them being lack of commitment. I mean, how are men gonna complain that women are being too much like men, but those same men shout from the rooftops that they’re committment-phobes. Don’t wanna commit to the woman? Then, she can do bad all by herself. But don’t get butthurt when the “by herself” she’s developed makes her strong and not the submissive creature you fantasize about her being.
“We aren’t willing to explore our options.”
Why are men saying this like we were walkin’ around like, “Wait, there are men of other colors out there? And I have a choice to DATE them? Well, by golly!”. How about those women have preferences for Black men? And yeah, the choices may be slim since we outnumber them, but hell we usually outnumber men period! It’s like saying, “Yeah, even though you are only sexually attracted to men, since there are so many of you women, you should just thronx another chick. The numbers are better for you in that area.”
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Luvs this post! If I have to hear the 42% of black women are unmarried stat one more time I will stab the person quoting it in the esophugus. That is all (cuz massa is stalking nearby).
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I’m single for the same damn reasons every other person on the planet is single. I haven’t found the right person yet. For now, the only standards I have is someone who is respectful to me and doesn’t feel that grinding is the only way in life that they can go. When I find a person with those two criteria, I am more than happy to see where things can end up.
My issue has never been too high standards, being too bitchy, not letting a man be the man, the inability to keep a man happy, etc. I’ve maintained some form of friendships with every man I’ve been involved with, and for the most part they’re usually still wanting more.
The problem with these articles is that it leaves us (well, at least me) feeling like there has to be something wrong with me (aside from regular flaws) if I’m still single. Makes me start questioning myself, wondering if maybe my standards have been to high. Maybe I shoulda gave another chance to that ninja who stood me up three times and asked me for large sums of money to get his car out of the impound all within a month. I mean, at least he had a job and wasn’t hustling. Or, how about the guy who calls every 2-3 months and is around for about two days? The mostly intelligent man with a great job who kept a ledger of how much money he spends when we went out just to bring it up 3 weeks after we meet?
I’m not stupid, I know I’m not perfect. I know that I have things that I need to work on (I can be too sarcastic). I’ve tried to do a lot of self-reflection in the last year or so, and been trying to improve myself. I’ve actually asked men that I’ve gone out with to help me with that. The problem is that except for my ex-husband, and friends that I’ve had for years, nobody has been around long enough to know where my flaws usually lie.
I’ve never complained about being single, it is what it is. I never knew it was a problem until all these articles starting coming out. I just figured that, like the rest of the world, when I found the right person I wouldn’t be single anymore. *shrugs* Now I feel like I shouldn’t be hopeful, need to change myself, need to lower standards, etc. I’m over all this hype surround why I’m single. I’m 24, I’m gonna continue to try to stay positive and be open to all possibilities. I truly hope I find that right person one day, I may not though and I’ll cross that bridge when my ovaries start burning.
See, you got me up in here writing a damn novel.
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Another flaw, I can be too wordy.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 1:34 pm
I like lenghty contributions. It means we made people think and reflect. Keeps em coming! (within reason)
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Seattle Washington Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 3:17 pm
No flaws, I think you touched on a good point – some, please read some, women are in a rush to settle down.
My mom forced me to watch The Bachelor with her last night & in the middle of me laughing at a bunch of desperate chicks competing for one man, I saw a woman totally entranced with the idea of marriage. She already saw herself marrying The Bachelor & she didn’t even know him.
Granted there’s biology & societal expectations at play, but damn, when did it become such a big deal to settle down?
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SaneN85 Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 3:44 pm
I’m actually quite glad that I got married when I did, and while it didn’t work out, I sure learned a lot from the experience. I know that I got married young because I was craving a strong family connection that I didn’t have growing up. I wanted that family one way or another, and so I set out to make it even if it was the wrong person. Young and stupid, really.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but I am not in any rush to settle at this point. I’ve been there and done that (in more ways than one) and learned from it. I think the stigma that comes along with being a single black woman (helped along by these articles and news stories) is what has women feeling like “now or never”. We’re told it’s getting harder and harder every day to find a good black man (or any man, sometimes) and we don’t really have the same options of waiting as other women. It’s wired in us to want to breed, so of course most aren’t going to choose the never. The only time that it occurs to me that being single may not be a good thing (at this point in my life) is when I read about articles, blogs, books, etc. telling me that it isn’t a good thing. I have to actively remind myself that I’m working on me, and quite comfortable with my singleness.
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Lower our standards…settling vs. compromising…
I see these words being thrown around as if they were as easy as picking up paper off the floor. I see it like this. If I go through all the trouble of making something of my life, then why should I be expected to settle for a low life that has nothing going for himself then the business between his legs? I believe that educated successful black women have earned the right to raise their bar. Why should we have to compromise who we are or the sake of not being alone? If anything one should wonder why these men don’t take the hint and make better of their lives, instead of finding cause to complain. I think that when we set these standards they are put into place to help weed out and avoid BS relationships.
Now on the other hand there are black woman who have set a standard for men that they themselves have yet to meet. “You can’t buy Prada shoes with Nine West money” (a blog I wrote some time ago on Multiply).
I also cant wrap my brain around why there is so much focus on the stereotypes of why black women aren’t in relationships…Why are we not focusing any attention on the stereotypes that allow women of other races to get into relationships…I.E. Passiveness and being docile.
In all, I think that the reasons that keep black women out of relationships vary for many different reasons, just as the reasons for other races of women vary. The idea of putting black women into some sort of box is ridiculous in my eyes. We are not all the same, despite what TV and movies say. I am not Omarosa I don’t have a 24/7 attitude. I also don’t have any plans of getting married, by choice not by statistics.
I really hope and pray that these reports don’t have a negative effect on the minds of young black women. Things like this have a tendency to seep into the minds of the weak and veer them off the course of greatness. If you tell a person they aren’t shit everyday of their lives, from infancy, they grow up with a mind set of not being shit and will not work to accomplish shit.
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Way to start the year off Miss Jenkins!
To me it sounds like women can’t handle the publicity of their complaints.
Most people are say that women should look within themselves or change their standards or stop being picky and bitchy or be submissive out right. All that is fluff honestly… What I noticed is that most women aren’t open for meeting guys in normal settings. Normal settings being not a ‘staged’ social event like a club or ‘play date,’ but how about places you go normally like the grocery store, the park, the cell phone store, etc… I know it sounds funny, but I think it’ll help if some people are more open to what defines appropriate meeting places. Women always ask me, “where do guys like you go?” I think all the dudes here will agree with me when I say that our lives are organized in simple ways: We eat, play, and work. Yes, sometimes eating counts as playing (pause). If you want to increase your chances of being approached by a guy you may like then go to the places where guys with the QUALITIES YOU WANT go. Nothing says you and ya girls can’t just go and see. Just go hang at the ball court, enjoy the games, make some eye contact, well damn you already know if dude is running around, his chances of having heart disease is lowered. Damn… extrapolate from there… If you want someone who reads a lot, hit up the library or the book store. Grab some books while you’re at it… You know dudes there can read… great! We are liable to try to get something going in any environment so there’s really no excuse. Most women I know don’t look at it like this… Maybe you should…
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Renee Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 4:03 pm
Oh if only it was socially acceptable for me to go scope shirtless shorties playing ball. Sadly if you don’t have a good reason to be there or know 1 of the guys, its kinda just a chicken head move.
Your other suggestions are excellent, except I’m terrible at striking up a conversation with strangers, how do men do it?
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Seattle Washington Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Some of us have no fear of rejection. Plus we like sex. That’ll make you do a lot of crazy shtuff like talk to a complete stranger or believe her when she says you don’t need a condom.
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Renee Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 5:05 pm
Stanger…No condom. <— Low down dirty shame.
But that fear of rejection is a bitch! I slipped this hottie waiter my card back in September, I had a few drinks but I swore he was giving me the eye but he never called. Now my friend wants to go to the restaurant for dinner on Saturday, I'm gonna maybe wear some bangs, glasses, and keep my head down all night.
I wish I was more like a man, women are bad with rejection because we internalize everything.
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MeteorMan Reply:
January 5th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
“Sadly if you don’t have a good reason to be there or know 1 of the guys, its kinda just a chicken head move.”
Ummm. no… You demonstrated my point. Most women have these ridiculous reservations based on nothingness. Its not a chicken head move at all and what is the basis of your assertion? I mean you make the conscious decision to be at the club drinking knowing dudes are on the prowl. Is that less of a “chicken head” move? Do you even know what a “chicken head” is? (clearly you don’t) We are definitely NOT thinking, “oh she must be a chicken head cuz she appeared at the park near the basketball court.” You and people who think like you are trippin… All I’m saying is to make yourself available to be noticed/approached.
And because you take the initiative to be particular area doesn’t mean I’m saying to walk up to approach some dude. I know many women have reservations about approaching guys… I’m going to leave that alone for another day, but just being in the area makes you THAT much more approachable. This is where to women rationale of ‘if he doesn’t notice me, then he’s not interested’ breaks down. Mr. Right maybe be at the park on Sat afternoons while you’re at home complaining that he doesn’t exist. I guess he definitely won’t notice you if you’re not with his line of sight…
How we do it? Maybe start off with a compliment… I can’t really cross compare sense guys aren’t walking around complaining that women only want sex… Just start out with a “hello” and I’m sure the dude will get into it. simple (for women).
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Excellent post and one of my favs..think I’ll send this out in an email
I can’t even add anything…LOVE IT!!!
True
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Hey!!! Welcome back! I am so glad I decided to see if you guys were back today & there you were. Anyways, to the topic at hand…I am glad that this is becoming a news story b/c maybe now people will stop asking me why I am single. I can just say, don’t you watch CNN?! J/K In all seriousness I never thought anything was wrong with being single until recently. Now that I am 28, knocking on 29, all of a sudden everyone (especially my mother) wants to know when I am going to get married and have babies. I think the reason I am destined to be single is because I have become comfortable in my singleness. I love myself. I love myself too much to settle, or compromise. I have honestly decided I would rather be alone than be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. I am also not really open to dating outside my race…I know some people think this is racist or ignorant but again I don’t really care. I want what I want. I have worked hard to get what I want in every other aspect of my life and I think it is asinine to expect me to demand any less when it comes to the most important aspect of my life (a significant other). I look at it like this…if I were going to settle, I could have done that at 18 when I knew for sure my body would bounce back after the kids. Now I have waited too long and worked too hard to change criteria and bend on things I never compromised on in the past. I think the real reason this is even an issue for black women is b/c of the time frame for having babies. Many of my single, professional, black male friends are not in a rush to get married b/c they know they can do that at anytime and still have the total package. Whereas my female friends are freaking out about the time it takes to meet someone, get married, be married for a minute and then have the babies. If we were able to have babies until we died I think women wouldn’t be as concerned or pressed about finding that special one. So I think the solution is for black women to just invest money for freezing some eggs and saving up for the surrogate.
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My problem with this outlook is that I (women) always feel slighted. Following a man’s vision only worked well (according to men) when it was their vision being followed. If you asked those women of yesterday how they felt. They will say they felt stifled, repressed, etc… Women of yesterday were submissive and part of being submissive was not opposing so OF COURSE men thought everything was perfect. Its not like a lot of those marriages had honest and open two-way dialogue.
On another hand like she said it would be great to have a man with a passionate vision that he pursued. However when there’s a relationship the vision has to be ONE. There SHOULD be a compromise. If he has dreams of being the D.A. of a major city and she has dreams of being the top neuro-surgeon in the mid-Atlantic, whose dream gets left in the dust. There’s the conflict. Women of today have visions and goals and society has made it that they can achieve them. Either men get on the bandwagon and accept a TWO-WAY nurturing relationship where BOTH partners feel as though the other fully supports their goals and ambitions or this little argument will persist.
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