Ms. Jenkins’ Adventures in Keeping it Tight, Vol. 2
On April 6, I decided to put a lock and key on the cookie jar. A few weeks after the post, I had already taken the lock off and shared a piece of my cookie with one who was no stranger to my jar. I know, I know. Shame on me. Yeah whateve. I felt bad for about 10 minutes, and then I got over it because it was damn good.
So I find myself back again, recommitting to this idea of not having anyone, old or new, dip in my cookie jar and peek at my goodies. As some of the comments on the last post suggested, I needed to figure out why I am doing this whole thing anyway. Its not just about being emotionally disconnected from the thronxing. Because we all know, a good Mr. Long N. McThick can feel good without the emotional extras. For me, its also about setting the tone for my relationships with dudes going forward. In thinking all this through, I have come to some conclusions about some thangs:
Saying no to pumpington you know, is much harder than saying no to the thronxing you don’t.
This has become crystal clear in these past few weeks. So that gives me some hope. As I’m beginning this dating thing, I have set up a few rules that will keep sex out of the equation before I think its worth another fingerprint on my window pane. This is a piece of cake when you don’t know what his McLovin’ is like. But when you know what he can do, the only real way to keep it tight, is to not see Sir Good Thronx, and communicate with him as little as possible. So far this is working.
Not talking about sex with a man helps to want it less.
Or so it seems. Maybe it just places the focus more important things. Maybe if we keep the focus of our conversations on non sexual things, I’ll be less curious about how he handles things betwixt the sheets. Granted I’ll still think about it, but I’ll be less inclined to act on the curiosity. I hope.
Not sexing is really not that big of a deal.
I feel like sex is more important in relationships that are already established, than it is for the trial and error time period we call “dating”. Its not like I’m cutting off the supply to my regular boo. But hat is a topic for another day.
So Ms. Jenkins is marching on. Keep rooting for me. For those of you have have done the no sexing thing, was it as easy as just making the decision, and that was that? What did you do to fight the temptation? And for those who are still in the game, have you ever thought about taking a break? Please share.
Sowhatiff – I’m still trying to fight the good fight – Jenkins
39 Responses to “Ms. Jenkins’ Adventures in Keeping it Tight, Vol. 2”
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Im jealous. will be back later
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I can’t take a break. The game needs me.
Ms. Jenkins…for the sake of your sanity and humanity, please, come up off that cookie. Running from Lord Pumpington will not save you. Before you know it, you gonna be seeing cobbwebs. Then you’re gonna hafta fly all the way to some exotic island for a dude named Donovan to give you your groove back. I’m just tryin to save you some airfare shorty.
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Streetz: The Light Skinned Jesus Shuttlesworth Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 11:50 am
@ RCLS CHUCH. TABERNACLE.SYNAGOGUE.MOSQUE!
Son.. hahahahhaa
Tiff, you will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
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~Not talking about s*x with a man helps to want it less.
So what do you think RightCoast and the rest of the League are going to due when we find out that you are struggling through it. We are just going to sit here and comment all day about taking down than Berlin Wall and letting our commerce thru.
What man on earth, outside of some silly white jesus worshipping christian would waste his youth not enjoying the goodiegood. The only reasonable comparison I could think of would be going from multiple partners to finding that one girl. Saying no to the other girls can be hard. You miss the diversity. Taking tricks you learn from one and applying it to another. But you don’t want to bring that special girl back anything that will make her itch so you quit.
The biggest key in your journey will be NOT LETTING THE DUDE KNOW. Once a dude finds out that you are only holding out to get a relationship, he will act different. You have to phrase it right to keep him patient.
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Anger Management Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 12:51 pm
@ CheeKZ McCharity “You have to phrase it right to keep him patient.”
Please expound.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Its like Diva said. You have to do it for the right reasons, and trying to keep your number low is not a good reason.
There are guys who will wait for a V, we understand its hard for them and scary. But guys aren’t going to wait for a born-again Virgin. That is just some girl trying to be cool.
If you tell me you are waiting for a relationship, I can respect that. But if you tell me that you jump off alot during slope weekend and you are taking it out on me. That is like a double edge sword, you were a jump off and let mad dudes hit AND your not going to let me (a dude that actually takes time to get to know you) hit. That is just backwards and cruel.
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Anger Management Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 4:46 pm
gotcha, Thanks!
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 8:33 pm
LOL. Very well said CheeKZ. Just an FYI, is not about numbers. But I do like the idea of phrasing the reason in the right way. I will work on that.
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I went back & forth on this many a time. “To sex or not to sex” that is the question. Honestly, I feel like in the past, I put too much emphasis on the thought of whether I wanted to share my goodies, or keep them to myself. The longest I held out, was 13 months, I about died from starvation…. but I digress If it’s a moral, religious, or personal conviction, and you feel like sex is stopping you from having a “relationship” then locking the cookie jar may work for you. I’ve held off on the goodies at different times for various reasons, and the results never really change. I think, it’s the man, the mind-set, and how the foundation is built that will lead to what you are looking for.
Last thing (sorry for the long comment). Are you subscribing to a 90 day rule???
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 8:35 pm
“Are you subscribing to a 90 day rule???”
Good question. I will be getting to that topic soon. But I’m thinking about it.
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Forget all this 90 day rule, dont hold out, hold out debate. Do what you want. If you wanna give up the goodies do it. If you dont, dont do it. real simple like that. I vote that you give em up
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 8:35 pm
You would.
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Hmm. The old me would say to keep a good (but good for nothing) sidepiece to quench your thirst while you search for Mr. Right. Actually, the present me says the same thing. Depends on what you’re doing this for. Like Diva said, religious convictions and personal growth are one thing; keeping your panties up to improve the quality of your relationships is another. If it’s the latter, that sidepiece will definitely help. Cuz an extended dry spell WILL mess with your decision making process!
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 2:11 pm
i second this… just make sure your sidepiece doesn’t fall for you. that could get messy…
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 8:37 pm
“Like Diva said, religious convictions and personal growth are one thing; keeping your panties up to improve the quality of your relationships is another”
What makes holding out for personal growth and holding out to improve the quality of relationships different? Can this be a means to both ends?
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Diva Reply:
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:10 am
Honestly, I think they are two different things…
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LOL!!!
First let me state Nothing compares to sex with a man you love and he loves you in return, nothing……
Side pieces and casual relations are a REAL health hazard, so NOT worth the risk to me….. plus occupying yourself with something insignificant can potentially block the right dude from taking you seriously etc etc etc but you are young so weigh your decisions carefully, because the wrong one can have implications for a lifetime.
Good Sex even casual clouds judgement not refraining, you may be horny at times but your judgement will be intact.. esp if you know and acknowledge you are horny SMH…… LMAO, good luck
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Slim Jackson Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 10:06 am
@Orange: I like your comment. I was waiting to see who would make the point you made.
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Reign Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 1:54 pm
“you are young so weigh your decisions carefully, because the wrong one can have implications for a lifetime.”
So true, so true *sigh*
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 2:13 pm
you can have a sidepiece… just make sure you get tested and always wrap it up!
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 8:39 pm
A side piece defeats the purpose. For me at least.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 8:38 pm
OrangeStar516,
Two hand claps. I concur.
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lol. when i read the title of this thread i thought you were going to be writing about kegel exercises.
i’ve done the whole no sex thing. i think i lasted about 7 months. it wasn’t that hard but i stopped because i like sex so the decision wasn’t that difficult.
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People I think put too much emphasis on s*x
I think you should have it when you feel like it, but dont stress when you do or don’t
Of course s*x with love is better, but nothing like releasing
and sometimes you can get the best relationships out of s*x that wasn’t supposed to be anything but
im not a big fan of limiting yourself on purpose.
If your s*x life is causing you stress..then stop…
If you could use a good nut..then get one
But dont be ashamed either way
And remember..when you meet a great girl/guy, s*x isn’t the only most best thing you have to offer…..so don’t make it soooo important to withold the cooch
and like I have stated before, you can wait and wait and like the person and think the s*x is going to be good and it be wack as smack..so don’t hold out too long..or you would have wasted 3 months lol
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 8:41 pm
“you can wait and wait and like the person and think the s*x is going to be good and it be wack as smack..so don’t hold out too long..or you would have wasted 3 months lol”
My face would be super tight. And I would have no one to blame but myself.
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“Ms. Jenkins…for the sake of your sanity and humanity, please, come up off that cookie.”
LMAO.
When a guy is not talking about having sex with you, he’s having sex with someone else.
Not having sex is a big deal. Anyone who has gone long periods of time without it will tell you. Now I know how some women will be like I want to wait until they are in a relationship. I’m going to let the cat out the bag….
That’s cool. The man just f*cks other chicks until you come around. Trust me 100% on that one.
Waiting 90 days? This is why he never has an empty roster, he just f*cks other chicks until you come around.
In reply to your question, the longest I went was probably like 7 months. I challenged myself, but then it had a rubber band effect. After a while, you stop thinking about it so much, and you focus on the reasons for the pause. But I didn’t do it because I wanted some girl to respect me, or I wanted to have something meaningful. I just wanted to see how long I could survive off just head.
My name is Dr. J and i’m clear.
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Streetz: The Light Skinned Jesus Shuttlesworth Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 12:00 pm
LOLOL Team SBM strikes again!
**sending side twitter msg to Tiff telling her I respect her stance on the issues…and requesting a twitpic for informational purposes**
One monkey don’t stop the show mayne!
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Reign Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Hot Damn and yet so true… I’ve played this game and it works. What he or she (no homo) don’t know won’t hurt em.
Be clear on the reason you’re holding out, if it’s personal then that’s cool but don’t tempt yourself by dating. Men who say they aren’t interested in sex with you right now and are willing to wait are liars.
Good point Dr. J
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 8:43 pm
I totally expect that he could/would be thronxing others. That works for me. As long as he’s not my man.
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I have tried the holding out thing and I wonder why once you say you not putting out all the men start coming out the woodwork offering you some help…
I tell ya, temptation has always gotten the best of me…
Tiff, however long you decide to do it for, make sure you stock up on them batteries lol…cuz there will be all kinds of swexy specimens trying to pick your lock! Good luck!
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Fight the good fight, Tiff. Sometimes, one needs to go chexless to clear your head and figure out somethangs. Chex can be like Cataracts. Got ur vision all types of cloudy. Go some time without it and watch ur vision clear up like those allergy commercials when someone finally pops a Claritin.
*singing* I can see clearly now the rain is gone…
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**Soapbox Slim is here**
I love the difference in comments from the males and females. The way I interpret this is a bit different. It’s less about her putting the cookie in a sealed container and burying it under 10 feet of sand. It’s more so about who gets access to it and how often the person getting access changes. Obviously, we all have needs…but s*x means different things to different people. Some chicks just wanna get off. Some chicks like the intimacy. Some chicks like what sex does for their self-esteem because she sees her body pleasing a man and cuz him going into her validates that she has some level of attractiveness.
If a chick doesn’t wanna talk about s*x or says she’s not doing it outside of a relationship, I wanna understand the real why. If it’s “just cuz”, then she’s prolly had s*x with a lot of people and is trying to calm down or she just got played recently. I know too many chicks who wanna try to keep the draws on because they don’t want to start counting their number of partners on 3 hands.
And I’m gone…for now.
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OrangeStar616 Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 2:22 pm
LOL Slim J LOL
As a woman lots of milage will tell on you, even if you make it thru with no offspring and or STD’s..its just anatomy LOL
….you wanna watch the milage anyway for more reasons than one….
I feel the same way about men, racking up notches, giving themselves away so freely, unaware of the consequences on the spirit alone darling…but I regress maybe I’ll discuss soul ties another time.
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Don’t restrict yourself, just be more selective about who can have a bite. Don’t set limits, just let your God given instincts take over your actions. We all know before it begins that “this is soo wrong” “WTF am I doing”… Be you and trust yourself.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Word.
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I’m gonna go ahead and agree with Soapbox Slim. Manage the access of the cookie jar rather than tuck it away in a closet. Women have needs. It’s a proven fact that women who have not had sex in days, weeks, even months, are downright nasty bitches. Just rude and nasty. I’m not saying go out and have reckless monkey sex with every Tom, Dick & Harry. But you should have a special friend who can take care of your ‘situation’ at your discretion and on YOUR terms. Just be safe and upfront with him [as well as yourself] about the beneficial agreement.
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“It’s a proven fact that women who have not had s*x in days, weeks, even months, are downright nasty b***hes.”
Dear Ashbunnie,
I would like to present you with a Co-Sign. Because that was a real ass statement, you just made.
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Well, I’ll say this, I haven’t engaged in the act in over two years and honestly it’s really not that big of a deal. Do I want to engage? Yes. But, honestly I’m glad I took the time not to. Why? Because it gave me time to reflect and figure out what I really want. This period of “keeping it tight” has made me more selective because I don’t want just anyone to come and break the spell.
An active s*x life, is great between two people who care about each other but, engaging just for the sake of the pleasure just isn’t worth it. Exposing yourself to the diseases, aggravation, and hit-or-miss performances of partners isn’t worth it. I decided to wait for a guy that I like and care about so that it will be good.
I didn’t decide to stop b/c I wanted to withold the goodies in exchange for relationship; I did it because I feel that s*x should ultimately be the physical joining of two people that like and appreciate each other. This , I feel is the only way to derive true pleasure.
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It’s so funny to me how dudes are quick to say give up the cookie. It’s my cookie and I’ll withhold if I want to, withhold if I want too…
Ahem, anyway, as someone who has kept the cookie on lock for extended periods of time (longest period was 3 years, and after I broke the dry spell I wished I’d have continued being abstinent), I think the best thing you can do is to have a goal. Like either a certain period of time or finishing law school, passing the bar, something tangible. Because if you are used to being sexually active, and you enjoy sex, the intangible reason of “waiting for the right person” doesn’t hold up too well under pressure. Or, if you want to keep your cookie safe because you want your dating relationships to be more substantive, then you should develop a checklist of what you value in a friendship, and not even entertain sleeping with a dude until he supplies everything on that list.
And stay strong, you’re not the only one
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