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“I Just Want to Get Tested”
Someone Tell That to the Picket Line Outside
Tests are a part of life. They happen as soon as you’re out of the womb. You get weighed to see how you compare to other newborns. Then when you’re an infant as your folks put you in pseudo competition with your baby peers to see who’s the smarter baby. As soon as you get past the rug-rat stage, you have the written tests from kindergarten all the way to college. It doesn’t stop when school’s over either. After that you’re tested at your job on a daily basis. Only your grade isn’t A thru F, but rather stay or go. Let’s not forget that along the way you’re personally tested by everyone from overcompensating dudes to insecure ladies who want to see how much you care. The concept of a test is such a natural part of life, so why the hell do they make it so difficult for you to get an STD test?
A couple months ago, I was looking around the train and saw an ad encourage people to get tested for STDs. I immediately thought to myself – damn, I’m due for a check up. I then began to mentally scroll through the women I’ve slept with since my last STD test and promptly took out my iPhone to look up where the nearest Planned Parenthood was. That’s right, I had to look up where it was. As soon as I got the number off the site, the adventure started.
I came to find out that it’s a bit difficult to get a test via the clinic when you have a job. It’s not like getting a haircut. It’s a process. And working from 9:30ish to 6, 7, sometimes 8ish doesn’t allow someone like me the freedom to make a run to get swabbed and stabbed at will. After several attempts of trying to make it and standing them up like a lame chick, I finally decided to just use my weekends to do the damn thing. Y’know, those days that you use to run errands instead of relaxing when you become an adult.
After this moment of clarity, I woke up early that Saturday, grabbed some quarters for parking and rode out. I cruised through the Boston streets with ease, parked the whip and walked over. I saw a little crowd out front, but thought nothing of it until I got closer to the front door of Planned Parenthood and realized they were picketing. Wonderful. I then had the privilege of hearing about how this place is a den of Satan, how they kill babies in there and I even got to see pictures of baby seal eyed infants as I crossed that yellow line to walk in the door. I felt like screaming, “I didn’t get anyone pregnant this time! I’m just getting tested!” I felt like I was either about to be stoned or get handed some pamphlet about little baby Jesus at any moment. Regardless, I walked past the soldiers of Christ and made my way into the lobby with minimal eye contact.
Once I was in there, hehehe, I had to deal with a whole different set of bull – the people there with me. From the Cape Cod couple draped in Polo to a couple of hipster kids straight out of Juno to the young lady that curled herself into a ball within the chair as she grabbed her stomach, it was a motley crew. Let’s not forget the slew of other characters in between. One that comes to mind is the White guy that complained aloud about how long he’s been there and about his girl being in the back for too long. In the midst of all the low volume turmoil, I saw a young lady look around, stand up and walk out. I couldn’t blame her. That’s probably a lot to deal with as a teen. I’m 20 something and I had my head down focused on my iPhone, checking email I checked several times before.
I just thought to myself, if I was a teenager this would be one hell of a field trip to make solo. I mean damn it was an adventure as an adult! Time constraints, a picket line of folks telling you you’re a horrid person and that you’re stepping into the gates of Hell and then the obscure activities happening once you get in the building. Luckily the people that worked there were straightforward, easy-going and quite helpful. Even the assistant that took my blood had a gentle touch. I was just happy that they didn’t do the Q Tip test. ::shudders:: Dudes know what I’m talking about. It’s barbaric.
On the bright side, it all inspired me to look for a local physician. I can’t deal with the clinic anymore. I’m too old for it. But I know I’m not alone in the infamous trip to the clinic stories. Do any of you have any stories to tell? Let’s kick it like Biggie Smalls used to.
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56 Responses to ““I Just Want to Get Tested””
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“I felt like I was either about to be stoned or get handed some pamphlet about little baby Jesus at any moment.”
LOL.
People that show up and protest at abortion clinics are a trip. I’ve covered several anti-abortion rallies and they are seriously gung-ho about saving souls. They even get the little kids started early on the protest. It’s like a rite of passage to hold up that sign in front of the clinic and shout. Last I checked, God gave us personal choice. So if you have an abortion, that’s between you and him.
I digress.
Never actually been to a clinic personally, but I’ve heard some horror stories. Especially for the free clinics. I never liked going to the infirmary in college (mainly because I just knew they were going to misdiagnose me and I would end up dead). The feelings are the same about clinics.
The whole process of going to a clinic would probably make me itch. So I’m more than good about going to my doctor.
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I’ve never been to a clinic for this reason!!!!! My STD tests are done when I have my gyno visits.
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Streetztalk Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Chuuuch! You go to a effin doctors office S dub! u were wildin. I know we in a recession but damn! hahaha!
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Learned my lesson man. Lol. Probably would’ve cost as much if I would’ve just gone to a physician with my co-pay. I just had to do it right away like the real ADD, immediate gratification new age technology person that I am.
I know, I know… I need to just find a good doctor and make an appointment.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Exactly!!!! clinics are for when you have no choice! lol.
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What’s STD testing? Never heard of that.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:10 am
They take blood and test you for EVERYTHING. One fall swoop.
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Its funny the whole time reading this I’m like… Why didn’t he just go to the regular doctor? I’m glad that was your conclusion. As a wise man named Slim once said… We’re too old for Planned Parenthood. No matter what we’re there for! =P Glad to hear you’re squeaky clean though! =)
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I’m also willing to bet that Seattle’s Twitter friends count goes up as well.lol.
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I remember my last time I visited Planned Parenthood, I found out shorty I knew was working behind counter. At first I thought it was cool to know someone there so maybe visits would be less uncomfortable…..then I realized she’ll be able to see my records…..including how many partners I’ve had since my last visit each time. Next time I saw her, she gave me a long sideways look.
I haven’t been there since. Simply asked my doc to add the test to my check up.
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When one does the right thing and the unexpected happens, one hits up Planned Parenthood to commence Plan B.
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Lol, Thanks for the visual, I’ve never been to a clinic and after reading this, I won’t be. Have a wonderful day.
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i live within walking distance of a planned parenthood. i’m just glad that i’m either a) up early on saturday mornings going to the gym or b) been drinking a lot the night before so i’m sleeping heavily on saturday morning.
the picketing/protesting just bothers me. i saw one sign that said “Christian or Pro-Choice-You can’t be both”. i just shook my head and kept it moving. i think that these protesters in the south might be worse than in the north. they just scream racist to me.
as far as the clinic, i’ve never been to one. i’ve always been to primary care physicians my whole life. i have a great one here and i’m going to be hard pressed to find one as good when i move.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Yeah I had a primary care physician, but I’ve been incredibly lazy on getting a permanent one when I moved up here.
I went to one, but dude seemed really out of it. He was either high or just didn’t give a damn. Either way, I can’t have that with my doctor.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Some of these Doctors are moving too quick… trying to see to many patients. Aint really taking a good look at my piece (PAUSE).
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While in Cali, my college bf and I went to PP for the morning after pill. There wasn’t any protesting outside. I assume that’s b/c it’s Cali, the Bay Area, and people are a little more liberal there about some things. Obviously, they aren’t that liberal when it comes to gay marriage…
and like Nikki, I have my STD tests done during my Gyno visits.
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RightCoastLexSteele, Trouble Maker Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
They were all on the beach smoking that G5 sh*t
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WOW those pics are horrid right! I’ve only seen it from a distance but I couldn’t imagine being a teen and walking by those people
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Yeah, this one dude had a sign that said something to the effect of pro-choice men having no balls and being run by women.
Dude looked like he hadn’t seen a pussy since he was pulled out of one.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:11 am
“Dude looked like he hadn’t seen a pussy since he was pulled out of one.”
LMBO.
I had a friend who went to an abortion clinic and told me that marchers have CHILDREN out there. WTF?
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CHeeKZ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:49 am
YO SEATTLE!
you remember when the Preist at our High School showed us that video of a partial birth abortion?
Didn’t scare me any…
Its funny how they use to give us false information about abortion rights in the hopes that we made a mistake and get caught into having a kid, thinking we had more time than we did.
This was an all boy school trying to program its male students into being pro-life. SMH
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Honestly, I don’t. My dude, I must’ve blanked that out and put it in my vault right along with all the somewhat questionable activities that happened between the priests/brothers and their “favorite” students.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:27 am
http://www.abortionno.org/RCC/trucks_highway04.html
while i was in Columbus, OH, the pro-life people would drive one of these trucks up and down High St. (the main street running downtown Columbus). They would slow down whenever they were passing the university and the law school.
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Anonymiss Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
That’s really not right to me. I remember this group of people came to my highschool handing out flyers and I took one because I didn’t know what it was and there were pictures of aborted babies. I almost started crying and I can only imagine how someone who actually had an abortion would feel looking at those. They claim to care about the life of these unborn children but passing around pictures of dead children is disrespect to those lost souls in my opinion. Would anyone go around passing around pictures of dead adults in this same manner to make a point?
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“I felt like I was either about to be stoned or get handed some pamphlet about little baby Jesus at any moment…”
This had me dying… But on a serious note, I’ve been one of those people. I was raised extremely Catholic. So when I was 13 my mom had me out in front of one of these clinics in the Bronx Saturday mornings with pictures of cut up babies and praying. And while I think everyone has the right to do what they think best, I personally am still Pro-Life for the following reason.
It goes back to the comment I made yesterday about my dad getting some chick pregnant on the side. After we all caught him in his cheating ways she showed up at my house with my little brother. She told us that he sent her out to get an abortion to that very same clinic at the very same time my mom and I were out there. Seeing the people out there and the disturbing pictures made her turn back and not abort my little brother. So I was thankful that I was out there when I was and I would definitely do it again.
As for the clinic itself… I don’t know how it is in other places, but out here in NYC it’s extremely crowded ALL the time and they have females come in on certain days and males on others, which I think makes it more comfortable for teen girls. And even though the RNs are kinda rough (pause) I do think it’s a good service because it can take months to see a regular doctor and if you need something done asap, you can always line up outside the clinic at 7am to be seen that same day.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Well, I’m glad you laughed and didn’t feel offended. Wow. You were standing out there at 13?!
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Planned Parenthood was first created by Margaret Sanger, a woman who was main people apart of the Eugenics movement. Black America, we have to do better.
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Mc Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Who cares who started it… planned parenthood provides much needed medical care for many people who have no other option.
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Peyso Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Ad Hominem argument. Who cares?
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Tunde Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
i just read something today that said: “shouldn’t it be called unplanned parenthood?” lol
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Good call. That goes down with the driveway/parkway argument.
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“They happen as soon as you’re out of the womb. You get weighed to see how you compare to other newborns.”
Dayum, I never thought about that. Got us doing standardized tests from the jump! Like, was my newborn weight (9lb, 8oz bishes!) in the 90th percentile? I know it’s only Tuesday, but Eff Standardized Tests!
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The QTip Test is demoralizing!! ::shudders:: while turning away from the laptop
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:22 am
LOL. I was waiting for someone to have a flashback.
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Terri Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Might be a silly question, but what is the QTip test men get? What is being checked?
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Uhhh… So… They take the Q Tip right… And then ::shudders:: they… umm, well they… dammit, I can’t say it! Will someone else please explain it to her?!
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Terri Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Okay, I asked around and I figured out that it’s like a papsmear for men.
My homeboy just described it as this:
“Oooooooooooooooooooooo that shit hurts the tke a I big ass q tip and stick in your doodle and swab and run STD test on it that shit hurts’ so bad why you ask”
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CHeeKZ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:57 am
they take a swap of the inner lining of your penis. That tiny little hole… they actually and VIOLENTLY stick something up that.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
CRIKEY!!!!!! I think that is worse than pap smear.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
wow…thank god i’m a woman. despite that whole child birth thing….
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RightCoastLexSteele, Trouble Maker Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Yea after that test you leave thinking…you know what…I don’t even think I want to use my joint to pee any more much less have sex…how bout you fit me w/ one of those pee pouches and I PROMISE I will never pull my piece out again.
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I can’t knock clinics. Until Obama’s health plan is passed it’s the only thing most people have.
The last time I went to a clinic was 3 years ago when my ex didn’t have health coverage and we wanted to get tested together. I went to clinics all throughout college and I never had a bad experience. I live in Brooklyn and I used to go to the Department of Health on Flatbush Ave and the Planned Parenthood on Court St. and I’ve never seen picket signs there.
Aside from the long lines I found the service at clinics just fine. They were more down to earth, welcoming and understanding of the varying situations of patients. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to see my PCP and had the receptionists either ignore me by continuing to chat it up on the phone while I wait to sign in or I watch them look up and down every patient that enters the office – bourgeois ass bitches.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:58 am
“I can’t knock clinics. Until Obama’s health plan is passed it’s the only thing most people have. ”
I’m waiting to see if ROX has anything to say about this.
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Seattle I was fittin to say that you need to take yo arse to the doctor. Aint no need for PP or clinics if you got healthcare. Additionally, everyone here is over 18 and can go to CVS or Duane Reade for their plan b.
I’ve been to the clinic on Flatbush between Myrtle and Dekalb. Long wait and there is some dude that comes in and shows you pictures of STDs. And I sat next to a woman who just had a train ran on her and heard how she liked it but next time she was going to bring more condoms. Weird experience. The clinic is the only place I got the Qtip test and I promise I will never go back for that reason.
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CHeeKZ didn't learn his lesson Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
“And I sat next to a woman who just had a train ran on her and heard how she liked it ”
Did you get her number?
What she look like?
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This was years ago. Long story, hope its readable.
So I am in the middle of smashing down wifey and she says the magic words “I trust you. You can hit it raw.”
WORD! Little did I know she meant after I got checked out. So I walk into a regular hood clinic… mad salvadorians with their overpopulated families. I have to prove that I’m broke, than I get to see the Doc for $30. The nurse starts talking to me about how she knows my mom (who is also a nurse), inbetween her asking my about my sex life. AWKWARD.
It turns out since this Doc is a woman, I can’t pull my Minnie CHeeKZ out without a witness in the room, for her protection….. No problem we are all adults here, go get the nasty old white nurse from the front and lets get this over with. This Doc goes and gets the HOT young black nurse. She was clearly new and disgusted by the fact that
a)I hit on her outside in the lobby
b)I had to have my piece examined
c)she had to be part of the examination
Now its show time. I have to show my good infront of this disgusted hot chick and Dr Guptay. Of course the room is dumb cold and I’m so nervous my hands are shaking, sweating, and looking like a perv. I reach into my pants and couldn’t find anything. The shrinkage got me. I pulled out the smallest apendage to ever be attached to a male over the age of six. Clown me if you want. I don’t know if it was the weather or the nerves…but my kidney tickler was GONE and replaced with what looked like an outie belly button.
Than they tell me its going to take 2 weeks to get the results of my test back. TWO WEEKS. I’m thinking about every chick I slept with. I’m examing every hair follicle on my piece. Every itch I think is the monster. Every time I sweat, I’m double checking the scent. I was going crazy.
Finally, I get a voicemail. They want me to come in for my results b/c they SAW something. So I am full out crying now, thinking that I killed my self that one night on West Campus. I’m already looking up Herp treatment programs thinking to myself “damn those people in those Valtrex commercials look so happy.” I walk into the clinic to get my results. Nurse walks in, shaking her head, reading my chart:
“Tsk Tsk Tsk. Young Man, you have to be more careful. Shame on you. You know better…….
You have high cholesterol”
**DEAD**
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Streetztalk Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
So I am full out crying now, thinking that I killed my self that one night on West Campus. I’m already looking up Herp treatment programs thinking to myself “damn those people in those Valtrex commercials look so happy.”
*DIES1000DEATHS*
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Terri Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Too funny!!!
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Black and Trapped in Toronto Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
straight comedy lol
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Anger Management Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Aww, that nurse was cruel
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
LMAO. They had to be messing with you. Shorty that you hit on wanted a little retribution.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
**flatlined**
I really almost choked on the sandwich I was eating. Like i had to cough and laugh at the same time. You sir, are a fool for this one.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
see, that’s just wrong. LOL!!
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Cheekie Reply:
August 25th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
AHAHAHA! My e-boo knows how to make folks’ day.
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lol, interesting insight. Fortunately, I make my own hours, so I can go to the clinic anytime i want. Still, if you don’t get there SUPER early, you won’t get out until 4pm or something. Even when I get there at 7:30 am (they open at 8), I’m not done with everything until after 12. Thankfully, i can schedule post on wordpress, lol
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Wow. I’m surprised and saddened by how people feel about health clinics and PP… especially those who have never gone to one. I’ve been using them all my life, in addition to private office visits, and I worked in them providing care for the last couple of years. I prefer the providers at the clinic any day because the ones I choose to see are comitted to the community and believe in primary care. When you read up on the work of places like the DC Birth Center, you should be proud… not feeling like “I got money so I should do ‘better’ and go to a private office”…. cuz, real talk, that place has seriously decreased infant and maternal mortality of black babies and mamas in DC like no private office has, and, well, it’s a clinic! Not to mention, I’ve had patients who *do* have insurance who still came to the clinic to see me (clinics are not only for the un/under insured) because they value the care we gave, not the kind of office we gave it in.
But to each his/her own. ((steps down off the soap box))
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