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You Stink
Nobody likes a stinky bush...
Today’s blog post is brought to you by Funk. Making public transportation and late night romance uncomfortable since…forever. As many of you know, I take the subway to work everyday. It’s pretty much guaranteed that the train car I get on will smell like farts and chinese food 4 out of 5 days. That in and of itself is depressing and frustrating. On that one day that it doesn’t smell like farts and food, someone is gonna sit next to me that smells like ass, alcohol, poopgas (different from a fart), pit funk, sewage, or some combination thereof.
A few weeks ago, a bum sat next to me on the train and decided he wanted to talk to me cuz I was the only Black person in close proximity. I could deal with him asking me for money and asking if the train was headed to hell. I could deal with him faking like he had the shakes. I could deal with him looking like he slept in a gutter, but I couldn’t deal with the odor that radiated off his body. He smelled so bad that it made me angry. I balled up my fist in my pocket and cut him the side eye of side eyes. This was truly an offensive odor. Had I punched him in the face, I would’ve had a good chance of beating the case with a self-defense plea.
More recently than this, I was playing in my league basketball game and noticed a pungent smell. Nobody else was really around me at the time, so I started smelling myself. I even went to the bathroom to make sure I didn’t have an “accident” in my shorts from a failed attempt to cut the cheese. After breathing a sigh of relief and heading back out to the court, I immediately sensed that the odor was still there. This time I noticed that it was after a fairly large jello fellow walked past me. I realized that he was the stink comet with a tail of fury wreaking havoc on the nostrils of anybody within 10 feet. Honestly, I’d rather have inhaled pure ammonia.
I mean the dude smelled so bad that people were gagging. I think that he either knew he sucked at basketball and intentionally sh*t his pants as a defense mechanism to keep people away, or he sh*t his pants because he knew his team was about to get NY Knicked. Regardless of the reason, it was unacceptable. I couldn’t stand next to him in the game. Whenever I needed to play defense against the sloth, I held my breath and hoped a teammate would come over to help so that I could take a step away. I spent the whole game wondering if anyone had told him that he smelled like swamp-ass. Have mercy on the souls of anybody in the elevator with him that night.
The Swamp Thing incident got me to thinking about people in my life who’ve smelled horribly. I don’t mean one time incidents. I mean the people who had perpetual body odor. I’m talking about those people who could take a shower and for whatever reason still stink. I thought of the stories that my boys told me about women they wouldn’t have sex with unless they showered before dude got there. Even I, Slim Jackson, have had to cut a woman off because her thang was rank. Never again will I open Pandora’s Box.
So how do you tell someone that they smell? I’ve struggled with this time and time again. Here are a few suggestive and passive examples that I proposed in a post a while back:
- Damn. You musta been workin’ out real hard. I can smell ya from here!
- It’s mad hot outside right? I can tell you been sweatin’ out there…(seasonal)
- Honey, I left a towel on the bed for you just in case you wanted to shower…
- Ugh! Something smells! *Said when it’s only you and that other person in the same area*
What does everyone else think? How do you tell someone that they smell? Stories are encouraged!
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lmao! I was just asking another teacher how I should approach this issue with a student of mine. I went with “I noticed since its gotten warmer you’ve had some trouble with controlling your persipration and body’s smells. Sometimes we have to use different body products in diff seasons. Here’s a secret platinum I use it in the warmer months”
If it’s your boo or FWB just be direct but tactful. “Hey boo you’re a lil stinky now or something to that effect. I would appreciate the honesty.
-lol @ the dam u sure were working out
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 11:31 am
How did the student respond?
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Satya Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
she made the illest stink face ever at me. but i noticed she started using the deodorant and doesn’t smell as bad.
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“I realized that he was the stink comet with a tail of fury wreaking havoc on the nostrils of anybody within 10 feet.” *dead* You are crazy.
I had a roommate (hope she doesn’t read your blog) when I was in undergrad that had the most God awful smell ever. She smelled of boonk, hennessey and roadkill. It was so bad that the smell lingered all around the apartment and wafted out of her bedroom into the common areas. I’m gagging just thinking about it.
Since none of my other roommates would say anything I just sat her down and told her in the nicest way I could. “You have an odor coming from your body and it is offensive. You may need to see a doctor about it and I will go with you to the doctors office if you want.” It really smelled like when you get a seashell from the beach and it has a crab in it and the crab dies. UGH!
Sadly the conclusion of the story is that she disregarded my advice to seek treatment for her offensive smell and kept right on stinking. So what do you do when you tell someone they stink but they don’t fix it? I just moved out when the lease was up…
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
March 20th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
OMG, that must have been horrible
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Thank GOD, I haven’t been in a situation with a beau or a homegirl who smells- that would be so awkward.
I went away to college for a year and for some reason my roommate (yes, a sista) took it upon herself to stop showering. She said she just didn’t feel like it. Mind you, college dormrooms are the size of a prison space, so it funked up our room really fast. I used to do stuff like open the windows (even though it was winter), and clean the bathroom (we had a suite) with strong bleach products.
One day she came home from her boyfriend’s dorm from having s3x and I could smell it-now it’s bad when you can smell it. And she was in front of me talking. I had to tell her.. Dude, you stink. Go take a shower.. she giggled but got her stank behind in the shower.
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“I realized that he was the stink comet with a tail of fury wreaking havoc on the nostrils of anybody within 10 feet.”
LMAO! Hilarious it may be, but this is no exaggeration: dude smelled awful! At one point, smelly man walked behind a guy that was warming up, shooting three’s. Dude was about to shoot but damn near dropped the ball, scrunched up his face in pain, and was like “wtf?!” Mind you, he didn’t even see smelly man walking behind him. He said he could feel the stinch. ::shivers::
This always gets me. Can you realllly not smell yourself? Everyone else does. I smell my cucumber melon, why come you can’t smell your chitlin funk?
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Reign Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 10:22 am
dead at chitlin funk!!
I hate that some people only bathe when they start to smell. There should really be a 2 shower daily minimum.
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Cheekie Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Chitlin Funk?! STOP IT, Nyela!! lol
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 11:34 am
I’m just sayin…chitlin funk is potent. Ain’t no funk worse.
Unlike funk, the taste of chitlins make me happy, though.Reply
Cheekie Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 11:46 am
“Unlike funk, the taste of chitlins make me happy, though.”
Girl, no!
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Ugh. chitterlings is the worst smell. I just threw up in my mouth
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Dying, dead & gone lol
Today I’m beat, but this just woke me the hell up!
I once was an assistant manager of a store and we had an employee with bad BO. She is the nicest person, just stanked tho.
So the manager and I had a meeting, yes a damn meeting pen and paper, on how we would approach the issue as the other staff started to complain. I was not in the room when she told this employee, for fear of sniggling uncontrollably. BUT the manager basically broke it down to her with ways of how she could freshen up, “meet my friend deodorant”. I don’t work in the store anymore, but I see this person from time to time…she smells like cheap perfume and B.O mixed together..hmmmm
I think that ppl who smell really bad don’t give a *uck, and they can’t smell what other’s smell…could it be a diet thing..genetics..some scientific reason?
I also had an ex who could muster up some real bad B.O after a few minutes in the heat. He once came from working in the garage and decided to nap b4 we went to the movies. Seeing as though he was working so hard and smelled, I suggested he go take a quick shower….”nah thats ok baby”…I am still stunned till this day..tryna take me to the movies with sweat stains and shyt ugh!
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Just A Thought Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Oh hell no! Funky arsed kneegrows do not go take a nap. Do you know how expenses sateen sheets above a certain threadcount are? Do you know that smells linger in fabrics? I would have said “the shower was not a suggestion” and he either would have hopped in and got to scrubbing, or he would have left.
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My home girl from high school was my roommate in college our sophmore year. A rather large chick who kept her appearance up nicely… but she smelled. It wasn’t like a stinky gotta hold my breath, but it was like wtf the f is that smell. It radiated from her room but wasn’t always on her. So I think it’s just her personal smell times 3thou when she sweats. Still ewww.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
LMAO.
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i have had a stinky day in my past but never have i just paraded my stench lol. b/c i am larger than most i take more showers than most and i am always on the look out for the stench. however, there was a girl i used to talk to in high school who would stink when she got to school at 8am. i’m like damn, i could understand if u stink at 3pm after a full day of school but did u run all the way here?
i also had a college roommate who claimed he didnt have to shower every day b/c he was light skin that was a damn shame, he was a kappa too
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Slim Jackson Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 10:28 am
“i also had a college roommate who claimed he didnt have to shower every day b/c he was light skin that was a damn shame, he was a kappa too”
I hate delusional Greeks.
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Cheekie Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 10:45 am
“i also had a college roommate who claimed he didnt have to shower every day b/c he was light skin that was a damn shame, he was a kappa too”
LMAO…Whaa?! I’d LOVE to know the logic behind this. I mean, I have an idea, but I’d love to know how he justifies light skin having magical powers to fight off stank for more than 24 hours.
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niasmomma Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 11:20 am
I would imagine “dirt” shows up on light skin easier… I’m just sayin’… lmao!
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ChokLitFactory Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
I had an ex who argued the same thing! A friend (former crackhead even) was trying to convince him that light skin people don’t sweat as much as dark skin people, thats why they don’t smell as bad.
Needless to say…things didn’t work out!
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“I thought of the stories that my boys told me about women they wouldn’t have sex with unless they showered before dude got there”
most women shower before getting down with the get down to make sure for optimal freshness, I know that ain’t just me. you’re most likely at work between 9am and 5pm, showered at like 7am and have peed, pooted, maybe sweat in that time frame…dude is coming over at like 8pm…u NEED a shower.
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Reign Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 10:52 am
The same thing goes for men!
A former FWB, friend of going on 10 years came over one time, we did what we did best, and he slept over. The next morning he took a shower and left for work…. Why when I got his wash cloth from the shower to put it in the laundry it had a doody stain on it!! Then I remembered he spent some time in the bathroom when he first got there… ewww, I thought he was cleaning himself up not letting himself loose. I had to go check my sheets! Nasty as$… I’m gonna tell him one day lol.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
“Why when I got his wash cloth from the shower to put it in the laundry it had a doody stain on it!!”
Girl STOP.. that is soo embarassing!!!
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Whenver someone mentions body odor, I always think of grammar school, 8th grade. My homeroom teacher handled a case of the stinkies in the best and worst way possible.
So, we’re getting up about to stand in line to go to lunch (did ya’ll have to do that in elementary? Stand in line to get to everywhere? I didn’t go to junior high…just one school, K-8) and she smells the musty mustiness. So, she tells us to line up down the flight of stairs and she proceeds to go to each and every student, ask them to raise their arms so she can smell under their arms. Now, mind you this is 8th grade, so every mofo up in there shoulda been using deoderant at the time because they’re pretty much teenagers, dag nabbit. But, alas, some weren’t. And even if they were, they did it without showering so it just smelled like perfume mustiness, which is double offensive (same thing with air freshener fart).
So, we watched her intensely as she smelled everyone’s armpits…awaiting her facial expression. We giggled as she scrunched her face up at some classmates and flat out bust out laughing when she gave this girl the wide-eye AND stepped back. I mean she stepped WAY back. And everyone in front was checking under their own armpits and ish, because though you’re gonna get it anyway if you smell, you might as well not be caught offguard. Anyhow, I was fresh to death because that’s the perk of being raised by a Grandma. Anyhow, I’ll never forget that teacher. She was like another mother. Love ya, Mrs. Bedford.
Okay, so as far as discreetly telling someone they smell? I think department store associates at the perfume counter are in the best position to do this. That way, when a sewer walks by, she can be push the perfume sample all up in her face like, “Would you like to try this citrus scent?” and it wouldn’t be offensive, she’d just be doing her job. Smooth.
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Y’all are crazy as hell! I’m laughing SO hard. I’m TOO tickled!
I’m a teacher, also, but I teach 6th graders, so it’s a little easier to say to the class, when a pungent little boy or little girl lights up the whole room, “Okay guys, I’d just like to remind you that we are at the point where our bodies are changing and we just have to make sure that we take care of our daily hygiene needs…” Run down the list of things they should be doing everyday, which, of course, elicits giggles; explain to them how we have to be considerate of each other because we all work too closely together for funk (<—they LOVE that word! lol) and how they wouldn’t like it if I didn’t shower or brush my teeth and were leaning all over them answering questions and pointing out problems in the book and shit. I use a lighthearted approach WITH KIDS.
With grown folk? Shiiit! Like Slim, stank on a grown ass person just makes me mad. I would (cartoon character style) dig my own grave, die, roll over INTO the grave, and cover myself with dirt if anyone EVER told me I stank!
As you all have stated – you smell yourselves first, or at least you SHOULD. So you stanky AND you grown? Nah – not havin’ it. I’m just going to tell you. ESPECIALLY if you’re my boo. I might just ask, “So… What? I don’t get the clean c*ck? I get the after-workout salty nuts? Damn…” I mean, there’s a WAY to say everything, but not saying anything is wrong.
Stinky feet for a person who just took their shoes off: (said with a serious face and tone) “Uh, you need to put those (shoes) back on.” (if person says “Why?”) “‘Cause your feet stink.” Period.
Bad breath all in your face talking: (said mid-sentence, mid-funky-breath-assault) “Unh-uh… You’re gonna have to get some gum, some candy or something… (immediately begin rummaging in my purse or desk drawer for the remedy; hand it over, then…) “…Okay, so you were saying?” See you don’t DISMISS the person or the conversation, you’re just telling them their breath stinks and is a distraction.
Bad body odor: (said directly to the person, preferably without an audience) “What is that smell?” (if person starts sniffing the air and not himself/herself) “No, I mean what do YOU smell like? What is that? You smell like something…” (this will lead the person to ask “I smell like what?”) And there you go… Find a gentle way to explain the notion of hot garbage, sniff yourself and offer them the “hey, it’s not me” shrug (to encourage self-sniffing on their part), and verify it’s not YOU, it’s them…
Bottom line: Let ‘em know. Stinky people have no right offending others. Ignorance is no excuse when soap and water and a little toothpaste is usually the easiest remedy.
P.S. A funky woman is just disgusting. There is an aisle full of damn near EVERYTHING you need to keep that cooch looking, smelling, and feeling like it should, if not better.
I know some “natural” chicks and dudes. Natural still doesn’t give you license to stank. Get yo’ “natural” ass in the tub, wash with some “natural” soap, put on some “natural” deodorant, and naturally, wash your ass on a regular basis.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 11:33 am
“when a pungent little boy or little girl lights up the whole room,”
I almost burst into laughter in front of my professor! Poor pungent children. LOL!
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 11:36 am
“Unh-uh… You’re gonna have to get some gum, some candy or something… (immediately begin rummaging in my purse or desk drawer for the remedy; hand it over, then…) “…Okay, so you were saying?”
DEAD. Sitcom material.
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Back on the Scene, its PEYSO Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 11:59 am
“I know some “natural” chicks and dudes. Natural still doesn’t give you license to stank. Get yo’ “natural” ass in the tub, wash with some “natural” soap, put on some “natural” deodorant, and naturally, wash your ass on a regular basis.”
I naturally almost lost my job on this though
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
““Okay guys, I’d just like to remind you that we are at the point where our bodies are changing and we just have to make sure that we take care of our daily hygiene needs…” ”
This has me in tears.
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“Why when I got his wash cloth from the shower to put it in the laundry it had a doody stain on it!!”
Do some grown men really not know how to wipe they a**? My dad stay having skid marks on the tighty whities. Anyway, I’ve dealt with the friend who continuously stunk…and the thing is she knew that she did. Some people are so depressed that things like daily hygiene require too much energy. And even when someone who might be depressed actually does end up taking that shower, they will probably just put on some dirty clothes that already stink. Depression is an ugly thing folks. But a good number of people are just lazy and just have doo doo trapped in they a**.
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I cannot understand how people can go around stankin’. I have a finicky sense of smell, but best believe I damn near hourly checks to make sure I’m alright. If my mouth, pits, or nether regions even feel the least bit “less than fresh”, I whip out the appropriate tools. I carry a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, and babywipes with me for those times between the morning and evening shower when you just gotta stay fresh.
As for telling someone, I think you need to be honest. If they act as if they don’t stink, then off bets are off and you can go kamikaze on telling them how they are polluting your personal space.
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There was this broad I went to undergrad with that smelled like cat pee. And if anyone has smelled cat pee, that is a skrong, and rank odor. ::shivers at the thought:: plus I couldn’t stand her, and wanted so many times to tell her that she smelled like “Who shot John”. I swear she had to smell herself. Like, ew.
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niasmomma Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 11:40 am
I really do think people grow immune to animal odors. Some people are poor pet owners who let their pets piss and poop on everything (dirty/clean clothes, furniture, carpet, their BED, etc) Those are the same people whose houses/apartments smell horrible too… YUCK!
STILL, no excuse… Languish in the cat pee at home; WASH YO’ ASS before you present yourself to the world…
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Back on the Scene, its PEYSO Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
i hate cat pee, my boy’s cat peed on my shirt. the thing about cat pee, is that it seems to be activated by sweat cuz i swear i smelled it before i wore it to the gym and it was clean. it smelled clean when i put it on. im about 30 mins in and i start smelling myself. i stopped working out and threw the shirt away right then and there
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LMAO!!!!! needed that LOL…….
yeah I can’t DO funk, like my olfactory glands are just super sensitive to smells, both good and bad..
yeah the metro always stink cept the greenline doesn’t seem to smell half as bad as the red,blue or orange lines..some folk pass you in the AM smelling like a dayum distillary like if you struck a match they might go up in flames WTH LOL
Then some folk are just musty as he11 in the morning, like dayum you don;t wash before you come to work pewwwwwww
Don;t even get me started bout how the ladies rooms just RANK here at work, like some sour putrid funk times 10 and throw in the smell of #2 and you just want to vomit ..I”m like do these brawds wash and is somebody actually havinbg sex with them..the thought of that is wretched. Sometimes I have to just walk out and go to another floor.Its some stank azz brawds in this building …..
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I gotta tell one of my employees this week that i’ve been getting complaints about him having a body order. Im really not looking forward to that convo.
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
WWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW
What are you gonna do if that is a person in denial or he just flips a table?
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Cheekie Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
I can imagine this is actually worse than having to give a negative performance review to your employee. Much luck.
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niasmomma Reply:
March 19th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Actually, I don’t think this one should be so hard. If a person will let funk interfere with their income, there’s not much that can be done for them. I don’t know what kind of business you’re in, but I’d lean on what others have to say and (in true diplomatic fashion) explain that THEY are having problems.
YOU: (privately, I hope – always start off with a compliment) “First, I’d like to say I really appreciate how you do _____…” or “I think it’s great how you ______…” (people will relax a little bit with praise…)
YOU: “Hopefully, we can make this meeting quick and to the point. I have been getting complaints from others about what they think is a distracting odor coming from you.”
(Now at this point, the person may appear to be shocked, embarassed, appalled, angry or all of the above… KEEP GOING; don’t get distracted by emotion. You want this over and done with quickly!”
YOU: “Now, I usually take everything with a grain of salt, but I have received a couple of complaints recently, and I have decided to address the issue with you.” (person’s still emotional, I’m sure. KEEP GOING!)
YOU: “Personally, I haven’t smelled anything offensive (even if it’s a lie – they’ve GOT to think you’re unbiased), but I don’t work as closely with you as some of the others do. I’m not choosing sides or accusing you of anything. It is my job when others express discomfort, to do what I can to alleviate it in a manner through which we can all maintain our dignity and continue to work together.”
(at this, the person, though still highly emotional, might be nodding in a weird kinda agreement – KEEP GOING!)
YOU: (closure) “So, I’m not sure if you’ve changed your routine or bought a new product or what. Whatever it is, I wanted to make you aware that others are bothered by it to the extent that they thought I should intervene. Let me remind you our bodies are changing… (LMAO!! Just kidding)”
No, but seriously close it with a reminder about working in close confines and the consideration that comes with that. Then, ask if that person has any questions. If not, send them on their way with a warm smile and the confidence that YOU don’t have the problem with them (even if it’s not true – bosses have more liability in situations such as these; diplomacy is best). THEY HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Notice, I didn’t give that person room to say anything until the end. Even THAT you control by forming their feedback as a question. Really, what, besides an outright denial or a messy cussin’ and cryin’ session, do you really expect them to say?
Good luck. (if you can, secretly webcam it for us…lmao!)
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Hilarious! One question: Whats the difference b/w poopgas and a fart?
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