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Hard on the Outside, Soft in the Middle
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Kinda like these guys...
The title of the post describes yummy chocolate candies, and certain types of people. I am one of those types of people. So is RCLS. For much of my life, I have had to be tough. Tears were not really welcome by my not-so-sensitive grandmother. Even when I didn’t know where either of my parents were, I still had to make things work: the A’s still needed to come in and my conduct needed to be on point at all times, unless I wanted some of those good ol’ fashioned arse whoopins. I wasn’t a fan of those, so I just tucked my chin down, and kept it moving day by day. And growing up where I did, you didn’t get by because you were the smiley chick on the block. Mean mugs were a must. Taking crap was not an opinion.
As I got older, this disposition became a part of who I am. I have learned to put on a show of sorts: even when I feel like things are falling apart around me, I carry on as though nothing is wrong. No hearts-on-sleeves here. While this has served me well to some extent, I sometimes trick myself and others into believing that nothing is bothering me. While the show is going on, I’m hurting on the inside, and no one really can tell.
“Oh, She’ll be Alright”
Or “He’ll be alright.” This is how people approach thinking about the person who always seems okay. Sometimes people who look like they have it all together manage to conceal what’s really good (or not) with them so well that people forget to check in on them. While they are hurting, confused, or struggling, they behave as they always do: “Things aren’t great, but I’m good.” And with that, the people closest to them proceed with business as usual. Folks still bring problems to them as they struggle to handle their own. When I have found myself in this situation, I kinda resented my friends because I expected them to know something was wrong. Even though I know I have a good poker face (#noGaga) and give just enough details to stop the questions, I still expected them to know I was hurting. It’s silly, and I know it’s unfair, but…
Asking for help is uncomfortable.
I am not one who likes to ask for help. To me asking for help means I am being vulnerable, have somehow failed myself, or that I’m weak in someway. When you are used to be strong or taking care of yourself or others, none of those things are desirable. So instead, I suffer in silence and try to take on the world like I don’t need anyone else. Not. The. Move. When something is bothering me, instead of talking about it I either grin and keep it moving, have a bad attitude around others, or just want to be alone. Sometimes these thing work and the issue resolves itself, but when it’s something really real, I’m left needing something more.
I’m a work in progress.
I don’t believe you can hold people responsible for what they don’t know they’re doing wrong. So I know that I can’t be upset with people for not helping me when I tell them there is nothing wrong. That’s just silly. Plus I have been told by my friends that it hurts when I try to shoulder the world on my own. I am learning to actually take those steps to get their help. It’s hard when I’m so used to sorting through my own issues, but I am learning better than that. I am learning to see my pain, not as weakness or a flaw, but another opportunity for growth and understand.
Are you kinda like me? Do you tend to keep your issues to yourself and keep people in the dark about what you are dealing with? Have your friends or family ever gotten upset with you for not opening up? Do you know anyone like this? I know this is emo stuff, but it’s okay. I won’t tell.
I’ll punch you in the face to hide my vulnerability,
21 Responses to “Hard on the Outside, Soft in the Middle”
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This post is about me, isn’t it?
I just had/ have been having this conversation with a group of my friends recently!
I LOATHE asking others for help with anything. I always feel like if I can’t do it myself, then it just wont get done.
I think the way I was raised is also a big factor in how I handle issues today. My mother always told me that “An emergency on my part, is not a crisis to the rest of the world and I need to build a bridge and get over it”
Granted, I know she was just trying to prepare me for the world and the people out there who really DONT give a damn about whats going on with me, but I wonder if she knows how much of a psychological impact that little phrase has had on my ENTIRE life.
I also feel like a big factor for me is that I just expect other people not to be able to deal with my issues or provide any help with my problems.
So between feeling as if my problems are insignificant to anyone but me and thinking that noone can solve an issue but me, I guess no one will ever know I even have feelings and shit inside. Meh.
Maybe I’ll fix it one day.
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I think in one way or another we all go through this.
I think it’s also something called PRIDE. We may be too prideful to ask for help. If people always see us with a smile on our faces and out there as if everything works out perfectly they will never know that you’re struggling because you don’t seem like you are. And then like how Miss Jenkins said, we resent them for not asking.
Or it could be SHAME. I know some of my friends are ashamed of having to ask for help. I don’t see the shame any where. I actually feel good if a friend of mine asks me for help and I’m able to help them. There is nothing to ever be ashamed of.
We’ve all go and will at one point or another live through this, just don’t be prideful or ashamed to ask those close to you for help. Trust me, those who are true to you will gladly help you in any way shape or form.
xoxo
Lola
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
May 17th, 2010 at 7:55 am
I’ve never thought of it in terms of shame or pride, but that’s pretty on point.
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I know when it comes to asking for help its hard for me. Its even worse when you do break down and ask for help, to only be dissapointed, which discourages you from asking again!
We’re all a work in progress, don’t be ashamed o embarassed by that!
Great post
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SaneN85 Reply:
May 17th, 2010 at 11:15 am
I couldn’t agree more about being dissapointed when you finally break down and ask for help. Every once in a blue moon, I will do that, and I have yet to actually get the help I’ve asked for.
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Nick_L_Odeon Reply:
May 17th, 2010 at 11:23 am
doesn’t that just force you to evaluate the person that you asked for the help?? if it makes me learn about my “friend’s” true nature.. then that was a valuable lesson learned… and all it cost me was the initial phone call to ask them for help.. and i see how you are..
nuffsaid
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HeadMistress Reply:
May 17th, 2010 at 11:26 pm
@ “doesn’t that just force you to evaluate the person that you asked for the help??”
Definitely! I run into this issue also but in my case it has less to do with a friends nature and more to do with the fact that I’m usually the most “together” of my circle of friends (which is a whole ‘nother issue) so its not that they don’t want to help but they just can’t…Ugh!
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I’m known to be very vocal about my feelings but I have a few close friends who keep stuff bottled up and those are the hardest friends to deal with. You keep trying to get in and often you worry that you’re just annoying them. But hey- I’d rather be annoying than miss the silent cries of a friend about to jump.
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So…basically what you’re saying is…I’m soft?
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Miss Jenkins is a pop tart, awww.
I used to be like this. When I was young, I’d keep everything bottled up until I exploded (pausation). However, w/ age I’ve learned to express my feelings in a more productive way. However, I do have an issue when it comes to asking for help; especially money. The only ppl i’ll ask are my parents and if I ask them, that means I’m in a bad place.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
May 17th, 2010 at 10:01 am
Don’t aww me.
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HeadMistress Reply:
May 17th, 2010 at 11:15 pm
@ “The only ppl i’ll ask are my parents and if I ask them, that means I’m in a bad place.”
Damn, Peyso is alter # 2
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Venting is good, asking for help sometimes is necessary.
No man is an island, and holding everything in has been
proven to lead to all kinds of health issues, its healthier to share the load/burden with GOD first then with some trusted and wise person, if only for them to just listen!
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“..and i’ma look in the mirror if i need some help”
- k.west
that’s just how a brotha feel sometimes… but i know i gotta look beyond that sometimes. Everybody needs help sometimes, word to Lebron James.
- G&B
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i’m still like this.. but mostly, it’s a thing of pride..
i’ll bend over backwards to help out my friends.. but they know that if i EVER ask for help.. then the situation is DIRE!!.. because i live my life to MAKE SURE that no one can ever toss that help back in my face.. or say that i owe them something..
i needed my pastor to point out that by this attitude we’re robbing people of being a blessing to us..
if i’m able to get my blessing by helping out my friend that was stranded on the ide of the road.. then why wouldn’t i allow her the same thing when i find myself with a flat tire??
not only that.. but i used to be the one that would act like all was alright.. then come home one day and break dishes because my brother ate my turkey.. (or something else trivial).. it builds up.. and the result is either an ulcer, a body count, or a heart attack..
i’ve had to be the “father” ever since my own left.. so i’m used to taking care of everyone else.. not trusting anyone else to do it (and do it right) however, it gets tiring.. now, i can’t WAIT for the dude to come along that can take some of the weight off of me..
Jenkins.. i know about not wanting to be vulnerable.. however, if you think that those around you might use it to their advantage later (a common thought) then that would only have to force you to evaluate those around you.. on the flip side.. you need to allow those that care about you to help you carry some of the burden..
something i tell myself when i’m feeling a certain way..
“even Jesus needed help carrying his cross.. where’s your Simon?”
be blessed…
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Great post, Tiff!
I’m a variation of “hard on the outside, soft in the middle”. I’m only that way with people who don’t know me that well. With people who know me, I’m a sensitive ass mofo. I cry when I’m upset (upset meaning angry or sad). I’ve always been that way since I was a wee tot. A crybaby, if you will.
However.
In general public, especially work, I’m known as very laid-back. I am very poised under pressure and I’ve gotten several compliments because of it. Basically, I’m a fantastic actress (move over Meryl Streep). When things get frustrating at work, I put on my best calm face and get the ish done. I’ll occasionally run to the bathroom and hyperventilate and cry, though to maintain my composure. lol
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I’m kinda young so bear with me. I haven’t had time to start fixing myself yet.
I’m like this too. In addition to the reasons listed in your post, I also keep my issues to myself because of my reputation. I’m the smart, no-nonsense, always got it together, on the way to greatness and success person out of my crew of friends and acquaintences. Not only do people view my issues as insignificant, they also assume that I will fix it quickly because I can apparently fix anything. I have a reputation for near perfection in school and such, so I guess that translates to life and such in the eyes of my peoples.
So yea…I’ll deal with that one day. In the mean time I shoulder my problems on my own and say stuff like “Well at least I have good grades”. smh
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I think this is something that brown girls learn coming up by the brown women in their lives and the environments where they were raised.
I don’t think you’ll be hard pressed to find a bunch of other people like us Miss Jenkins. What’s harder is that we never saw those women crack and when we feel like we want to break down, we can’t because they didn’t. There’s enough books, articles, and TV specials to show that isn’t the way to handle it. What worked for me was having a couple people that I can be completely vulnerable with (even with those two people I’m more comfortable sharing certain things with one or the other). Being able to do that requires a REAL friendship though. One that is open, honest, and non-judgmental (which is why it’s so hard to find)…but when you do…its like letting out a deep sigh that eases some of the load!
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ohhh i’m definetely the same way, sometimes it’s like i’m about to explode when i try to keep everything in. But i am realizing as well that i am only human i make mistakes as well therefore i should ask others for advice on how to deal with certain things. and i am too a working progress i now try to include others in my decisions as much as possible and try to get advice on my next move. I can say i’m growing to change my tough outer exterior and soften up a bit.
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Yeah. I feel you. I think that I will share certain details about my life, but when things really hurt me – I don’t want to really talk about it with people. Somebody almost broke my heart last year and when I was telling my mom, she was all, “it’s ok. You can let it all out. I know it’s hard for you.” It was the first time someone had really called me on it. It can be really hard for me to lean. And when I’m asking someone for serious help, it’s because I’ve exhausted all possibilities. But I’m working on it. Trying to get better. Ask. Delegate. And so on.
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*wondering if I have Multiple Personality Disorder and if Ms. Jenkins is one of my alters*
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