The Ten Office Commandments
Slim and I were crossing the bleak desert that is now our offices, leading our people (what’s left of them anyway) to the promised land when we stumbled upon a burning printer. After replacing the paper, changing the toner, shutting it down, restarting it and then calling IT, it began to print the Ten Office Commandments. And now we have come back down from the mail room to share what was bestowed upon us by that divine printer.
I. Thou shalt not sit next to me in the bathroom.
My dude, I thought we already addressed this. I even drew a diagram to simplify it. Why is this still an issue? There’s a reason they call a toilet a throne and no one ever dared to sit next to the king.
II. Thou shalt not have lunch time meetings without providing lunch.
It’s blasphemy to take away my lunch hour and then not even provide lunch. Even airlines have the decency of throwing some salted peanuts at you so you don’t pass out or go into diabetic shock. Do what you want, but you won’t be able to hear anything over the Mt. St. Helen like rumblings coming from my stomach.
III. Thou shalt not set up 5pm meetings on a Friday.
Do I really have to explain this to anyone? Two words – Happy. Hour. And I cannot be happy in a meeting. That is unless Janice over there wants to hop up on the table like it’s Coyote Ugly and “get low” with Kelly from Finance. Or we’re going to start to use this giant conference table for a rousing game of Beirut aka Beer Pong. Call me Jesus Shuttlesworth.
IV. Thou shalt not eat nor drink of anyone else’s nourishment that is in the refrigerator.
However any food, drink or condiments without a name on it is fair game.
V. Thou shalt not try to be Black and not expect to get choked out.
Please don’t get it twisted sir, just because I work here doesn’t mean I’ve given up my Black card. Yes I’m more civil in the office and I understand that you may throw around some “homies” and possibly the N word when listening to the Clipse in the safety of your car. Like your counterpart from Office Space. However, do that in person and you risk getting a stern look, a calm verbal thrashing and/or a quick judo chop to your throat.
VI. Thou shalt not email me inappropriate content with the subject of the email being “Delete Immediately!”
Do you not think they watch everything we do here? Chances are if you send me an email with that subject, I will do exactly as you asked without even opening it. If you wanna get fired, then fine. Leave me out of it.
VI. Thou shalt not send me reckless pictures embedded in emails or urge me to click links that aren’t safe for work.
Can’t you just effin type NSFW? If I lose my job, you will lose your life. Nuff said.
VII. Thou shalt not ask to be added on Facebook.
C’mon. How you gonna ask me, a co-worker, to add you on Facebook after you already know that my settings are secure. Now I gotta change my privacy settings again and add you to the block list so that all you can see is my picture and a smiley face. Damn you! Damn you to hell!
VIII. Thou shalt not look at what one is eating for lunch then ask “What you got there for lunch?”
Sometimes it’s really just better to say nothing at all than to make small talk about something that you already know the answer to. A sandwich is a sandwich. A salad is a salad. An angry co-worker is a Black guy named Slim.
IX. Thou shalt not ask one about their weekend with the intention of talking more so about their own.
Honestly if you don’t care about my weekend that’s fine. I don’t care about yours and I’d rather you not know about mine unless I won the lottery in which case today is my last day here. If you just wanna talk about yours, get it over with. Please. The sooner you finish talkin, the sooner I can go back to reading blogs.
X.Thou shalt not label the Black guy/gal in the office as the Chocolate Skin Delegate.
Please don’t seek out the Black guy/gal in the office for questions regarding hip hop, inner city living, Barack Obama, or affirmative action. This more than likely will backfire and produce the same result as the 5th commandment. Cordial and comfortable are completely different things. Knowing is power, so know the difference.
Any additions folks? We brought some extra copy paper and some Sharpies just in case.
Seattle – My Card is Black, Cross Me & Your Eye Will Be Too – Washington
Slim – Where’s My USPS Hat? - Jackson
51 Responses to “The Ten Office Commandments”
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Love this…. (*grumbling: wish I’d of thought of this first*)
The one that grinds my gears the most is the late meeting scheduling, grrrrrrrrrr…
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I am Peyso Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 2:43 am
This bothers me almost as much as the obscenely early meeting
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Nice post… perfect timing after my day with people tryin to get me fired for them f’ing up!
Love the blog guys!
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Wow-let’s see how about please do not ever in your natural life (unless you want it shortened) have me work 112 hours in two weeks and not want to pay me my damned overtime. This will upset me and I. MIGHT. TAKE. YOUR. LIFE.
Not might…will
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I am glad you posted this, it made me realize I work in such a great environment where some of your commandments apply while others don’t
Where I work:
*All of the meetings around a meal time have food we even have ocassional snacks on certain days
*And I dare you to find someone in my office after 4 on a Friday or the day before a Holiday
*Facebook is how we “monitor” our students which gives us free reign to be on there all day
*the opening of an ocassional inapropriate email is ok since I work for the state and our spam filter and firewalls suck. Besides I can justify anything (and I do mean ANYTHING) as educational research.
* we are so busy being inclusive and trying to understand each others unique differences, no one person is considered an expert, but instead we form committees at time to discuss certain trends our students are up on.
*we are encouraged to leave our workspace and becomeinvolved in teh lives of our customers and interact socially with them. Sometimes that means chillin’ in the student lounge with them.
I realize that is not what you asked for but those are some of the things that are my privelage to have in my work environment
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RedBeanzNRice Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 12:57 am
“I realize that is not what you asked for but those are some of the things that are my privelage to have in my work environment”
IH, you know I luh you, but for this…I think I hate you, lol. *jealous*
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Glad we could make you appreciate what you have…sorta.
Still got love for ya tho.
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You would think this one goes without saying but:
Thou shall knock before opening my office door! I realize i’m just a little paralegal (for now)but the door is closed for a reason.
All the others are pretty much in place in my office with the exception of ocasioanlly being the negro delegate. This has only happened since 08
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Thou shalt not confuse me with the only other Black person in the office—
especially when she’s 20lbs heavier, three inches taller, with a completely different hair length.We don’t all look alike. When there’s a hand full of Black folk, you better make it your point to know each one of our names, independently, or else subject yourself to a severe thrashing.
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I am Peyso Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 2:45 am
I’m comfy to say that all the 2520s know me at my office. However, why is it that I’m the only blk guy that gets invited to their happy hours and such?
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Easy answer to your question…
Who doesn’t love da bruhz?
Comments of hate at this point will promptly be deleted by management. Thanks.
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I have a phone and an email address for a reason. If you have a computer problem please do not come and knock on my office door. Thou shalt not come looking for me. I’m sorry but that will not make me try to resolve your problem any sooner…… It will get you side-eyed and put on my “they must not know I don’t play that” list.
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“IV. Thou shalt not eat nor drink of anyone else’s nourishment that is in the refrigerator.”
Woo Chile SPEAK ON IT! Many a time has a sista gone 2 degrees less than postal on her missing Michealina microwave lunches. It’s just too bad that the accompanying beat-down isn’t worth the 99 cents it cost for the lunch. *sighs* Where is the justice?
Truth be told though, I think it’s that damn late night janitorial crew that be nabbin my edibles under the cover of midnight – like Shaolin Monks and Ninjas.
If this wasn’t a recession…
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Don’t u get me started Rev Slim & Rev Seattle!!!!!
what a coincidence, I just changed my FB status to read- “…..is wondering why her sick co-workers feel the need to drag themselves into work and spread their germs to the entire office!!!!”
We get sick days!!! USE THEM!!! The work will b there when u get back- inconsiderate MOFOs!!
And they want to try to stop by MY cubicle, lean, talk and cough all on me-Sudden Death!!!
And this week has been hell as it is…I am happy in my personal life..but for some reason once enter the office doors I fanasize about stomping on all their faces with 6-inch heels….
OH OH OH
IV. Thou shalt not eat nor drink of anyone else’s nourishment that is in the refrigerator
I have to tweak the package somehow on my lunch along with attaching a post-it to the outside of the bag to let them know it’s Tee’s lunch don’t *uckin touch!!!
Oh and ONE more for the congregation….DO NOT REPLY ALL if it is not necessary!!!!
The friendly non-melanin bunch @ work like to get together on a monthly basis….so they send out group e-mails…..I never reply to them…so YTF do I need a reply from 20 other ppl???…I need my inbox space for 3ways…don’t get it twisted!!!!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 9:38 am
“Oh and ONE more for the congregation….DO NOT REPLY ALL if it is not necessary!!!!”
I’m so incredibly upset with myself that we forgot to put that one. That one is perhaps the best of all! We may add that as an addendum. Good start!
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Steph Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 11:20 am
The reply all is killer. Where I work there is only 120 employees, but only a year ago it was like 80-90. To make a long story short everyone here feels like “family,” and therefore will send these office wide emails of nonsense that I do not care about. Example: someone ate someones cupcake from the fridge and so another person decided to put that person on blast in an office wide email saying they lack integrity for stealing a cupcake (it was a mystery who did this). This proceeded to turn into like a 15-20 email “battle” of cupcake snatching…I wanted to rip my hair out!!! UGH!
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Cheekie Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 11:34 am
“Oh and ONE more for the congregation….DO NOT REPLY ALL if it is not necessary!!!!”
BEST RULE EVAH. I work at a giant law firm and we usually get country-wide or city-wide emails, depending on the office. Usually when we get an “everyone” email by a partner, then several other partners will reply with their
doucheywitty banter, but they don’t just reply to their buddies, they reply to every single breathing employee in the entire US firm. Thanks, but keep your “Oh, Jerr, you’re quite the nut!”-2520-pasty emails out of my inbox. These douches just want everyone to read their little inside jokes just so they can say they are inside jokes. SHUT UP, SHUT UP. SHUT. IT.And furthermore, that’s why the sun hates you.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
“And furthermore, that’s why the sun hates you.”
LMAO!
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missjess Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
“…..is wondering why her sick co-workers feel the need to drag themselves into work and spread their germs to the entire office!!!!”
EXACTLY!!!! this lady who sits next to me comes to work some days and coughs like she has a freakin animal stuck in her throught that she’s trying to get out. its disgusting! sometimes i try to cover up my mouth/nose area, as if this will stop the germs…other times i just leave and go to a different part of the office, and come back and spray my desk area with lysol.
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We need to put this list in public print.
I can’t tell u how many times I’ve had to “educate” the “others” on why we don’t wash our hair everyday!
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 10:09 am
OMG! Or explaining “how did u get ur hair like that? does it just stay?” I couldn’t stand those inquisitive faces. lol
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Black & Trapped in Toronto Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 10:46 am
And when they try to touch it…”it’s so fluffy”
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Jac Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 10:51 am
“I wish I had hair like yours…you can do just anything with”
*smacks gum*
ME: Blank stare…
“Wow…I didn’t know you had hair that long…where’d you go to get your weave done?”
ME: This is my hair I just took it out of the ponytail…
ARGH
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Cheekie Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
“I can’t tell u how many times I’ve had to “educate” the “others” on why we don’t wash our hair everyday!”
Man, I love ya’ll! All up in my head! This is one of the most awkward conversations ever.
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Thou shalt not borrow items off my desk while I am not present.
&
Thou shalt not “fake” a sickness/injury and expect me to comply
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A few good ones here (From my perspective)
Thou Shall not go directly to the asians on the team when a technical question arises.
Thou shall not ask to hang out w/ me on the weekends (Seperate business and blackouts please)
Thou shall not ask to see my cell phone at work (Who knows what pictures people take w/ the mobile cams!)
Thou shall not ask me to help them w/ a project, take all the credit, and not expect me to put them on blast later!
Thou shall not ask me how much of a merit increase I got!
Thou shall not ask complain about trying to lose weight when thee is first in line when there are free goodies during the week!
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Great post!
Do not bother me when I am in my office, headphones on with my back to you. If you come in talking to me and I do NOT turn around or acknowledge your existence, please leave immediately.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 10:45 am
“Do not bother me when I am in my office, headphones on with my back to you. If you come in talking to me and I do NOT turn around or acknowledge your existence, please leave immediately.”
I think I love you.
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Britt Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Ha!
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Reign Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Preach!!
And they continue to stand there waiting to be acknowledge. You are so on point about that.
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Cheekie Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Another great one! Especially the headphones.
Let me look at my Samwell on YouTube in peace, merci beaucoup.
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Shawn Smith Reply:
January 12th, 2009 at 9:50 am
The guy that sits behind me is bad about it as well. I can actually hear him but until he addresses me by name, I won’t turn around.
I keep my headphones in all day and have had managers come around and sit behind me waiting for me to acknowledge them. After a minute or two I finally turn around.
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“VII. Thou shalt not ask to be added on Facebook.”
Or Twitter
Also, please for the love of God, stop asking me about “young folk things”. Yes, I am the yongest person here – but we have the same gotdamned postion, chill out. No, I do not spend every night in the club, No I will not introduce you to my firends, No I don’t wanna hear what you used to do when you were my age.
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Black & Trapped in Toronto Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 11:24 am
“Hey tee was your weekend?…Did you party hard?”
“I know YOU young
BLACKppl like to party hard”Reply
missjess Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
a lady today in my office actually said out loud that she’s tired of all these young girls coming around lookin cute and everything (sidenote:i work in an all black office)
“chick, i really dont care what you’re tired of. i will continue to come in AND look cute, because i can!”
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Awesome list!!!
Thou shalt not talk sh*t about my project behind my back, and then kiss a$$ in front of management. You will get called out.
I work in a department of 11 women, no men. Nothing is a secret. And the “others” know not to mess with the five of “us.”
Don’t ask me sh*t about nothing that isn’t related to work, the attitude I once left in the parking garage now follows me to my desk.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 11:42 am
“I work in a department of 11 women, no men.”
Do you work in HR?
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 11:46 am
or sales?
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Reign Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
LOL, Nyela is close… I work in marketing as a project manager for a healthcare adminstrator. Setting up major companies with group health insurance. We work closely with the sales dept.
@ Slim: Did you say HR cause it’s all women? Our Dir in IL is a man, but I think he’s the only one in that office. Not too far off of a guess considering.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I said that as more of joke, even though HR does typically end up being that way. I’m an HR person…minus the cookie baking.
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Reign Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
that’s the only good part when working with women… except when the chick with the 2 cats brings sweets… “they” allow their pets to roam where they shouldn’t, including the kitchen counter. not having it.
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Thou shalt try to refrain from using cutesy coporate cliches such as “We made it to Friday” or “Got the Monday blues?”. ESPECIALLY on Monday.
Mondays will get a 2520 on a Missing Persons list, for real.
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Reign Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
This friendly a$$ security dude says that every Monday. On Wednesday he’s says “we’re halfway there”… he gotten a hint not to speak to me anymore. Nothing more than a good morning.
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I’m a student. Based on this, I don’t think I want to get a job. Ever. I don’t play well with others
except betwixt the sheets…Reply
Cheekie Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Hee. I love the word “betwixt”.
Anywho, yeah, this is my first experience inside the corporate world since college (I worked at a non-profit right outta college, that don’t count) so everything is magnified x500 in regards to all the douchery that goes on. It’s hilarious and maddening at the same time. Guess it depends on the day. Maddening on Monday. Hilarious on Friday.
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Britt Reply:
January 9th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
DON’T!!! LOL.
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Intellectual Hedonist Reply:
January 10th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Get a job in Higher Education, its like you are a student forever!!!!
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hilarious…
that’s so cute how u guys work together… aww…
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Seattle Washington Reply:
January 10th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Nah, nah, nah. None of that cute shtuff.
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i have to add:
Thou shalt not holla at your co-worker at the office… especially when that co-worker is in an open (public) area.
It’s super embarassing for you and me when i have to shut you down (can someone teach me this cross out business??), and personally, i like to keep my work and personal lives separate. thank you!
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Black women have we forgotten the WORST comment ever? From our oh so confused “fair skin” co-workers???
” OMG, how did you get your hair to do that? Can I do that to mine???”
No, you wont look right with cornrows, nor will I sew extensions in your head…AND don’t EVER NEVER EVER….touch my hair again.
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