The Dating Game
Its summertime, my skin is sun kissed, I’m single and I’m ready to enjoy myself. But before (or while) I do that, I want to try and make sense of this “dating” game as I get ready to hop on the scene. I figured this would be a good time to sort something things out and get some perspective. It seems like we have a good mix of boo’d and non-boo’d up readers, which means you all will have some good information to share. Let’s go.
Dating vs. Dating
I have heard the word used to mean two different things: 1. “Oh I’m dating a few people right now.” As though to imply that one is just having fun and going out for dinner, or dranks or whatever, with a few different people, with no real attachments. And 2. “Oh yeah, we’re dating.” Which seems to mean that there is some exclusivity to the relationship. Is there one meaning more accurate than the other? If not, do some people get mislead by the words?
What are the limitations or boundaries of dating?
Like, what are the rules? Do people need to know that you are “dating” other people while you are dating them? Is there a limit to the number of people you can/should date? Or is it cool as long as you’re not thronxing multiple people at once? I know that sometimes I wonder if a man I have been out with a few times would be bothered if I were also going out with other dudes from time to time. I guess if he was, a conversation would come up about exclusivity. Or maybe not? Who knows.
What about online dating?
Technology has changed the game for a lot of things, including the dating game. A few years ago, Blackplanet brought folks together before online dating was really “popular”. Don’t front like you were never on BP. Now you see sites like eHarmony and Match.com, with all their lovey-dovey success story commercials, making some people reconsider how they meet folks. I’ve even heard of folks checking on craigslist for potential dates. Even with this mainstream acceptance, I’m still not sure how I feel about the whole thing. Considering how the internet seems to be our go-to source for damn near everything these days, is online dating still as taboo as it once was? What would it take for you to consider creating a profile on one of these sites and meeting up with someone who hopefully didn’t turn out the be snaggle toothed and peg legged?
I posed a lot of questions out in today’s post because I am interesting in your thoughts and perspective. How do you approach dating? What are your rules? Have you ever had a really (good or bad) experience that changed how you approach the dating scene? Help me figure this thang out.
Sowhatiff -Um…can’t think of anything witty today – Jenkins
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I guess one thing that I am wary of for sure is the whole online thing. My mom has tried a few sites out and has had a little bit of luck but nothing long lasting. In my case, a guy who had friended me on facebook started chatting me and I thought nothing of it because we had mutual friends and he was even in a picture with my cousin! So I figured it’s a new millennium (internet was previously an untried method and others were not working at the time) and let me see what’s up, especially since I thought he was cute.
We began to talk on the phone and had a lot in common and he was such a nice guy. Long story short, we met up on my campus (I had many friends in tow because you never know about these internet cuties!!) because he lived close by. I found out he was short. Like short short. Like I felt like I hugging up on my baby brother. Pictures can be misleading, though he did tell me he was a small guy and I chose to not heed his words. DEAL BREAKER.
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1. I think both definitions are correct, and the inflection will tell you if these 2 people are serious or just having fun.
2. Of course you have the right to see other men until one steps up and asks for exclusivity. Don’t tie yourself down for no reason. And no, you don’t owe them any explanations, either.
3. To me, online dating is totally acceptable. That mess was sketchy when you were in middle school! People are busy with their jobs and social lives, and an internet site is no worse then the dreaded bar/club scene. You have to give it a chance just like anything else.
I would just advise you to hold onto your standards, especially when it comes to how a man treats you. That’s a line in the sand you need to draw early and stick to.
Have fun on the dating scene, mama!
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In my past, I dated one man at a time and poured all of my energy into that one man. I got my feelings hurt all the time when I found out “dating” to him didn’t mean we were exclusive.
I learned later in life to not accept or give exclusive companionship until you know for sure that you are in an exclusive relationship. Do not have s3x with them until you’ve established this.
Have fun… date multiple guys (go out have fun, multitask with the legs CLOSED) and when you settle on one, make sure he feels the same way.
As far as Internet Dating, it is still kind of a taboo thing for me. I met my man online and shared my story with friends as well as the blogs. I’m cautious in sharing this with my family, I feel there is still a stigma that goes with it.
And yes, I remember BP. lol. It’s how I met my very first.
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Remi Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:15 am
“I learned later in life to not accept or give exclusive companionship until you know for sure that you are in an exclusive relationship. Do not have s3x with them until you’ve established this.”
Co-sign!!
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Good Post Ms. Jenkins. One of my friends from high school met his wife in an aol chat room. They started off with the a/s/l/pic when he was a freshman or sophomore. At the time, she had a bf and eventually got engaged. That engagement fell thru and he kept in touch with her via the chat room and email. Then one day he buys a plane ticket out there and proposes. I was actually in the wedding and trying to figure out how the hell they got to that point (I was also the only Black guy there and prolly could’ve scored with a few of the cougars). Now they have a cute lil seedling and are living happily ever after in Idaho.
As for dating in itself, I consider dating as seeing one person in particular. I can’t remember ever really going out on “dates” with multiple chicks during the same time period. That’s just me though. If a chick told me she was dating other dudes as well, I’m gonna assume she’s screwing at least one of ‘em and I’m not tryna deal with that. I will not knowingly settle for sloppy seconds…even if she did shower.
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Stephanie Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:07 am
I agree. After seeing/knowing that the person your dating is seeing someone else, it’s a turn off. Especially if the other person is fat and ugly. *Cough* What?!
Lol.
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@Slim – “I can’t remember ever really going out on “dates” with multiple chicks during the same time period.” – You may be one of a very small number of men b/c most I know, date multiple women at the same time until they have something exclusive.
As for online dating, I met my ex that way. Even though we are not together, he is a decent guy. He did the online thing b/c he is just a busy doctor and didn’t have much time to go out and meet people.
Recently, my friend signed me up for this speed dating event. Initially, I was reluctant, but I actually met some cool people there.
I think with dating it’s just important to be open minded without letting go of your standards
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:48 am
“I think with dating it’s just important to be open minded without letting go of your standards”
Exactly!
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:34 am
Cosign.
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CVal Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I can co-sign to this…
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Dating – you can see multiple people, hang out, kick-it, go on dates with no real attachment, when it gets serious… you are “seeing someone”, i.e. the exclusivity “Seeing someone comes after dating, and before BF/GF status
Personally, I don’t like online dating, but it’s becoming so mainstream, that it will replace meeting someone out or through friends in 5…4….3….2…
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Dating is just going out with someone that you find attractive, but with no exclusivity – you can do that with as much people as possible. After that, when you choose to have sex with the person, it becomes “seeing someone special”.
The only rule I have for dating is to be honest. You don’t have to state to every person you go out with that you plan on going to the movies with someone else tomorrow, but if that person asks then you owe them the truth.
As far as online dating is concerned, I have profiles on match.com, myspace, eharmony (I think), BP, facebook, friendster, hi5, facebook, twitter, linkedin, etc. I’ve only met 3 people from those sites, but I’m open to meeting more. Online dating is just like the bar/club scene, just as taboo as well. You get the same exclamations: “wow, what you doing giving some guy from the bar your number?!” or “girl, how you gonna meet someone from the internet?!”
I’ve had good and bad dating experiences, but I’ve always had fun. My next step is probably speed dating; I’d go the matchmaker route, but I’m not ready to invest that much money in finding a mate as yet.
Happy dating!
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Online dating is susssspect.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:35 am
So are trains.
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Reecie Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:37 pm
LMAO.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:54 pm
really tho Ms. Jenkins? we back at the trains again? cmon.lol.
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Streetz: Mr Monday Night Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:03 pm
lolol discussed this b4?
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RightCoastLex Reply:
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Ms. Jenkins, You’re suspect.
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I think location has a lot to do with dating culture. I’m from upstate NY, and my friends back home date seriously (as in, exclusively with one other person). Several people I know are already wifed up with kids and ish.
This is a huge contrast to where I am now (Brooklyn); it seems like people date more casually/serially, myself included. To be fair, it’s probably because there’s more to do in NYC than just date somebody (upstate can get dull if you’re not boo’d up).
As far as online dating goes, that is still a threshold I’m not ready to cross yet. Since dating is a face-to-face interaction, it doesn’t seem ideal to start that process online. Of course, it’s 2009 and I communicate with people I date/have dated through facebook, texts, etc; I just think it’s more practical to start dating/seeing someone with personal rather than digital contact.
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Dating can be so ambiguous. As long as you keep it real, and dont lead the other person on, it should be cool. I consider dating seeing someone consisitenly and going out on dates. If you’re exclusive, thats ur bf/gf period. theres no real grey area, thats why I take my time with all of that good stuff
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First off, do the damn thing homie. Good luck, just don’t go buckwild and order the lobster platter next time you’re out on a date. That will get you sliced with a butter knife.
Ahem, dating is cool but it’s good to let the parties know what’s good if asked. For better or worse. Stay to your game plan until a worthwhile opportunity presents itself and then go ftw!
Online dating? Ehh, I don’t know. I guess it’s safer than MySpace and I know a lot of cats that got dates/buns off that. Would I use it? I don’t think so. But I know folks who have and swear by it. I think there’s pros and cons to meeting anyone anywhere. From the club to church.
But that’s a whole different topic in itself…
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i’m all about dating different dudes (yep, at the same time, too!), but not sharing the sauce with any of them. you’re young, so definitely take the time to explore the options available to you. you should only really get nasty with one dude, though, if necessary.
as for online dating, i can’t really co-sign on that… i think i’m too young to rely on eharmony or match.com to find a man. if i’m still single in my 30s, i’ll consider using them.
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