The Modern Day Matchmaker: Stop Shopping!
We mentioned in our first post back from the hiatus that we had some special things planned for the site. Well, today we wanted to introduce one of them. The video below is a genius segment done by the up and coming Modern Day Matchmaker, Paul Carrick Brunson. In this video he responds not only to all the posts on why Black women are single, but more specifically to the article on the Washington Post where author Helena Andrews was interviewed. That article was one of the catalysts of all the media coverage on successful black women being single. Nonetheless, this is just the beginning for Paul, who we believe has a ton of advice and thoughts to offer to the masses when it comes to real relationship expertise. Welcome the man to 3 Ways and let us know what you think of his views on the mentalities of women nowadays when it comes to finding a man. He’ll be checking out comments and responding when he has the time. Are you a shopper? That will make sense after you see the video.
Thoughts?
Oh yeah, make sure you do something positive on MLK Day.
The 3 Ways Crew
49 Responses to “The Modern Day Matchmaker: Stop Shopping!”
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Great perspective & good advice. I’m married, definitely agree on the need to make constant investment and sacrifice for sustaining a relationship. Whew!
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I think he’s so on the $ with his commentary. Anything worth while requires nurturing, sacrifice, and patience. I think of being in a relationship as having a companion who complements who I am and the reverse. Not someone to accompany me to work shindings and a free handyman (although those are lovely perks lol).
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Eh…I understand where he’s coming from, but a part of me wants to give a big “booo!” to this.
There are a lot of guys out there that aren’t worth an “investment” and they can sometimes be hard to pinpoint until it’s too late.
Why do I have to “invest” in a dude to be happy? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and a gay ex-fiance (that I invested in) to prove it. I was supportive, forgiving, patient (for four years) and the ninja turned out to be on the down low. After all that “investment” I had nothing to show but a broken heart. I’m not a dumb girl, he seemed like he was worth the investment at the time, but…not so much.
I understand no one’s perfect. Relationships do take sacrifice and a supportive partner. And, not every guy turns out to be gay, but, I’m just not really down with telling women to “invest” in men. Cause I think a lot of guys take advantage and many women end up with no return on said investment, leaving them high and dry.
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The Don Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 3:26 am
Dont give up sister its just like the stock market you make a bad investment you lose your money and you keep moving. You just know what you dont want next time and what and who is worth you investing in.
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Remi Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 5:08 am
Yeah, I agree with you. I understand making sacrifices, but I’ve been there too. Not with a down low ex, but investing in someone who initially seemed like he was worth it and turned out not to be. I’m not doing that anymore.
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Streetztalk Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
That’s why its called an investment right? Its not a guarantee. Hell, I know ppl who slept together when they first met that are happily married and I know ppl who dated for a year before making things official and they’re def not together now. When you sacrifice, you don’t sacrifice and hedge. Marinate on dat!
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MeteorMan Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 12:41 pm
Not with a down low ex, but investing in someone who initially seemed like he was worth it and turned out not to be. I’m not doing that anymore.
This makes no sense what so ever… Any guy (or girl) that will ever be involved with you will be taking a chance on you given your statement. Thanks for playing… I guess it’s only about the destination for you huh? savor experiences much?
No one wants to experience a dud… You’re a gamble to someone if not to everyone you’ve met… To someone else you are a bad investment… Statistics… Maybe you’re upset or just “careful…” I guess we all want to be wrong about something… reverse psych on self…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 1:11 pm
I think we may have to e-break up…
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MeteorMan Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 1:15 pm
*gasp*
Miss Jenkins’ famous last words: But based on that Washington Post article…
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I can understand his point & partly agree yes sometimes women need to invest in a man but is the man goin to do the same. I do not see many mn out there really investing. No, women should not be shopping for a man this I can agree on!
Now I have seen much more investment on a womens part then on a mans and I can def agree that women spend so much time investing in a man and in the end he was never worth the investment but played the part like he was which in turn makes a good woman miss out on other men(which are better & worth the investment.) All this talk of women need to do this & women need to do that. What about the men what are they bringing to the table what are they investing Good D*** aint nothing to invest into.
Im 24 with have a BA and I just applied for my PsyD(pray I get accepted to the program) and I am fine with being single I do not want a man at this point in my life I am investing in me right now. Some of my friends think Im crazy and I need to be looking for a man. Personally I do not want to be married& have kids until Im in my 30′s but thats just me. Im all about the dating right now!!!
@ Ash wow Im srry to hear that… even though I dont know you I can tell your a strong woman and have moved on from that!!!
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Toni Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 11:39 am
“… and I am fine with being single I do not want a man at this point in my life I am investing in me right now.”
Co-sign. I have no time to invest in a relationship right now. I’m busy taking care of my star player (thank you Kat Williams).
Plus relationships are an emotional liability. Since I don’t know of a good insurance policy available, I can’t be bothered.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 1:10 pm
Wouldn’t it be great if there were such a thing as relationship insurance?
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 2:02 pm
GEICO don’t sell that?!?
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Toni Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 2:36 pm
lol I wish. Progressive said no too.
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***Slow Clap that quickly changes to a Standing Ovation…***
Oh on a side note, I found a Bently at Pookies Cars and Chicken lmfao
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This was good. I watched this with my boyfriend and of course he concurs.
I do have to respect Ash’s sentiments about investing with no return, tho. Maybe Paul’s next video should be about discerning who is actually worth investing in because to be honest, men have become pretty good at putting on the facade like their worth something and then 2 years later you’re starting over with less money, motivation, happiness, or .
Too often black women are expected to put in the time and work and “just give the brotha a chance” when they’re not being met in the middle. But overall, Paul, you’re right, women need to stop shopping for men like we shop for shoes.
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Dot Dot Dot Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 7:39 am
co-sign.
For every man that is willing to grow and upgrade himself with his woman, there are 3 more who don’t want to change and know that they don’t have to.
Someone, somewhere, will put up with their mess, no questions asked. That’s not something I personally want to invest in.
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Paul Carrick Brunson Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 8:14 am
@Nik – GREAT suggestion. Episode #3 will be about what you exactly mentioned “who is worth investing in!”
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I cosign Mr Brunson. I also say (speaking from a scorned woman’s perspective), the signs are ALWAYS there. As I am on my journey to becoming a more mature woman, I can vouch for the fact that the signs are always there. We overlook a lot of things in the name of love and not wanting to ruffle the feathers of a good thing that we really miss out the signs (we have this God given instinct that helps us out every time).
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Ash Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 2:40 pm
This is definitely true. Hindsite is 20/20. I ignored or overlooked some warning signs in my previous relationship and I’ve learned from that.
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@Paul Carrick Brunson, welcome to Three Ways! I’m definitely looking forward to the next video in the series.
I love the analogy to shopping and investing. When I first read Washington post article, I felt like I should have agreed with a lot of the sentiments she was expressing, but when I really thought about it, I realized that her attitude was not 100% in line with mine. Men and relationships don’t fall into our laps just because we think we “deserve” one. And just because we want one doesn’t mean we should settle either. I’m interested to read the book though…
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Paul Carrick Brunson Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 2:34 pm
Thanks for the welcome! Hopefully I can add another dimension to the conversation on Three Ways. In terms of the BITNB book, I’m anxious to give it a read. I recently interviewed the author (Helena – will be Episode #4) and she had some interesting things to say about both the history and content of the book.
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I agree that women should not be out there shopping, and I would look forward to an article about who to invest in. Many of the women I know aren’t shopping, but they’re wasting their time investing who don’t appreciate them and in relationships that are going nowhere fast.
On thing that frustrated me about the Washington Post article and all these subsequent articles is that they focus solely on the women as though we’re the only side of this equation. I have plenty of friends who have had no trouble meeting men, and finding men they are interested in. The problem is that many of these men have no desire to be in committed relationships. I watch women invest and me divest on a daily basis.
DC has always been known as a man’s town. Last night I sat and watched the game with my father and a bunch of his childhood friends. The topic of women in DC came up and first thing I heard was “A man in DC is a rooster in a hen house”. Most women in DC are quite aware that the rule here is if you don’t then another woman will. While that stands true in most places here often the things women are unwilling to do are things they should do like, settle for being just a side piece, have no expectation of mutual respect, expect their partner to be supportive.
Me and my closest friends here are in our 20s and single, my sister and her closest friends are in their late 30s and single and my aunt and her friends are in their 50s and single. Being Black, a women, single, and lonely in Chocolate City is not a new thing. It’s business as usual.
*Oh and for the record here’s the on thing on my “list”, I want to meet someone who’s into me as much as I’m into them. That’s all, mutual, attraction, affection, and admiration. Mutual commitment, caring, and concern. Is that too long a list?
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 1:04 pm
I like this list because it doesn’t involve too many resume-builders, e.g. he gotta make $x, drive this car, be x’y” tall and cocoa complected. Granted, some tangible traits are important (i.e. brother can’t be snaggle toothed, etc), but I think some of the women in these circles look at their resume and start to “build” their image of an ideal man from there. His 6 figures may keep the heat on at night, but does that mean he’ll be laying next to you in the warm bed?
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I concur. My answer to those who disagree with Mr. Brunson is that a key step before you invest is DOING THE RESEARCH. Be tactful- pumping his friends and family for information just makes you look crazy. But be observant. Do his words and his actions match up? And don’t suppress your intuition just because he has the pedigree and is doing/saying all the right things. If something still feels off, then let it go. My intuition has never misled me.
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Honestly… I think women already know that the answer to all this… I just think most are just venting about it… It’s not good (or safe) to assume that simply cuz women vent about something, must mean that they are befuddled about finding a solution (or make assertions about their mentality). I mean… I’m just saying… If ol’ girl sucks her teeth and says out loud that her nail broke, that doesn’t mean she already doesn’t know where to go get it fixed… I’m a dude and I get that…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
I feel you. But based on that Washington Post article, I think there are a lot of women out there in the dark, who are too caught up in themselves to see the err in their thought processes and approaches…
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MeteorMan Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 1:36 pm
That’s cool and all and your incite on the mentality and condition of other women exceeds my own (of course). But doesn’t all this seem kinda strange? Like really… It’s like the internal worries (or vents) of women around that age and status is being put out on front street. The fact alone that it was put out as a Washington Post article makes it into some huge phenomenon, like it screams “This is why YOU’RE single!” I didn’t notice this on my own… A women brought this to my attention… Why are black women highlighted? Why are black women treated like some specimen under a microscope?
Scientist: “Why aren’t they breeding/pairing up? Let’s add a tracking device…”
Kinda strange… That’s all… I left your keys in the mailbox…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
*peeks in mailbox* I’ll bring your things by later.
I agree, hence my post about being tired of hearing about it. Its not a phenom to me. IMHO, an individual is single because of something that individual is doing…What she eat don’t make me poo and all that. I really think it comes down to (White) media outlets loving to talk about something involving Black people. Making something a “new” issue when its really not new to any Black single woman on earth.
I think the positive that can come from this media declared pandemic is advice and suggestions from men and women to other men and women that can serve to impact the mentalities that contribute to one’s own issues. Dwelling on causes doesn’t produce results.
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This was up on VSB not too long ago and its all the rage over on essence.com and its associated blogs.
I still stand by what I have said is so wrong with modern relationships.
Both Men and Women put way too much emphasis on materialism when viewing relationships. Sometimes its covert but most of the times its overt. What was seen as stability and ability to grow has been replaced by some assured rationale that “this person cant be nuts…after all he/she lives in that downtown Brooklyn condo with the view of the Manhattan Bridge”. Add degree and choice of wine-name drop authors no one reads now out of school and couldnt find anyone to read before college- and boom you got the fabulous person.
Look Abraham Lincoln ran for the Senate and Legislature and failed on two different occasions. By todays’ standards he’d be a loser-yet he’s still- a hundred years later the best Pres the US ever had.
Ford-why is called the Model T? Because models A-S were busts in todays world his girl would have left his “no good car making ass” after Model E.
Michelle Obama dated a brother with a hole in his car, why? Because he was interning at a kick ass firm and two she used the time to judge his character and saw he was persistent. She also asked about him from colleagues-got her bro involved to screen him. In todays culture dude has to be “On” right out of school, and then we fast track the dating process because of it and if the relationships fails he messed up a good thing.
Is it that he messed up because on paper the two you looked good which in todays culture means best clothes-eat at swanky places, live in the gentrified part of town with mutli-culti neighbors?
Why is it that old school couples even the educated ones started off with nothing but built something together yet today we start off with everything but the relationships cant mesh?
Face it in the microwave-green lights and blue-skies NO STRUGGLE at all mentality has effected relationships on both sides. I still ask what ever happened to building together?
If I got the pad-degree and career being single who says that at that at any point I want to share anything? Our parents generation rose through the ranks together. In other words they shared PB&J and Ramen Noodles alot. Todays lady’s claim “f-that I can struggle by myself”. Talk about self full filling prophecy.
Our generation thinks your slipping if you drive an economy car and dont care for “labels”. And of course it must be real “we moved in”. Hows that experiment worked out for you Hip Hop?
How many of us up here ran right out of college into a great job? I didnt and perhaps as a result havent gone drunk with this obsession to be married. So we can see that success/power corrupts.
In the end the things we buy (education included) have replaced character and how one is shaped in adversity. I cant learn a thing about a woman (in my case) that allows my or her character to be “spoken for” cause I have the degree and career with the lavish ostentatious lifestyle to go with it. I have never treated a woman “better” because of her education and things her career nay have brought her.
What is the answer?
Patience. But who the hell has the time for that.
And don’t get me started on how sex has compromised things.
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MeteorMan Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
You really went hard on this response… I can’t really say where you went though…
I don’t know ANY woman directly or indirectly that would excuse crazy for a dude’s material possessions. Maybe they’ll excuse it cuz of sex or feelings of loneliness or love…
Yes these extremes exist… and (some) women talk and be all out the mouth about their “standards” when it comes to a guy’s material possessions… Mostly, that’s just a front… seriously… Kinda like a dude focusing on his own possessions as if that’s his ticket…
I look at it like this… There are shallow people, but damn, if you wasn’t the person that was able to have them to be inclined to look past that then, you’re just not the one for them… Maybe you (guy or girl) just wasn’t that awesome… Maybe you need to get your word game up… umm… people continue to whine…
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i agree with the investment angle but i don’t think that i should look for a woman to build me up. i want to at least bring something to the relationship and not look to a woman to build me up. we should be able to learn and take things away from each other.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 12:50 pm
*two hand claps*
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Streetztalk Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 1:12 pm
cosign that was like a 6.5 on the simpometer for son.
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Sue Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
hmm can a clap be one-handed? =X lol and how does that sound?
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
I think a woman can help build a man up without him starting as a bumbling idiot or feeble-minded simp with nothing to contribute. We all have weaknesses and inadequacies. I’d like to think that the booski would help me become a better person in some way or another.
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WithRainbowSprinkles Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 2:23 pm
i agree…everyone could use a little building up regardless of how fly you are, no one is perfect and you should be with someone who nurtures and cultivates your “awesomeness”
on a slightly different note, i’m a little disheartened by some of the first comments because it sounds like a lot of women are experiencing hurtful situations and deciding to give up on love and investments and so forth…Paul is right, finding a man isn’t shopping, this isn’t Target where you can take it back if you don’t like it, men don’t come with a guarantee…if it doesn’t work out you can’t just give up on the whole idea of investing…and women shouldn’t be the only ones investing, but seeing as how we’re the ones complaining about being single, you can’t fault the man for speaking directly to us…you taken certain steps to yield certain results and if you fall short, you gotta get back up
lastly, investing in someone else doesn’t mean you can’t simultaneously be investing in yourself…while your going on and “leaving no stone unturned” we should be making time for ourselves and enjoying our own company…cooking for ourselves, working out for and with ourselves, keeping are places clean…we should be preparing for our return…
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My Look after reading and watching everything: O_O.
@Ash I’m really sorry about the investment that turned sour. But we all believe you’ll definitely jump back into things and be right back it again ^_^ so keep your head up honey
@ms cherry – not at all a lot to ask! Mutual all around and I love it! Hope we both.. We all ( single people of course lol ) find that
@mz good heart – I hope u get your psyD too ^_^
@miss Jenkins – curiosity is killing me too for the book. Tweet me if you get your hands on it pleaseee (@RealTalkSuki)
Now about bad investments, I know all about those. I’m so glad I actually starte learning about investments (financially speaking) to know how it can apply in real life. Didn’t know I had made a few of them on men until it turned out to be bad. Worst one was a three year one that I still continue to kick myself about *heart-heavy sigh* but back to the article…
The girl reminds me of my friend…of an episode of SBM (cuz I swear you all have me tuning in every weekday morning like back-in-the-day Saturday cartoons lol)… The successful
bitchy, snobby,single black woman stereotype that will be the downfall of many… I was kinda bummed out to hear she “shopped” for her men. They aren’t toys!! I understand why she would but I don’t support it. We really can’t expect men to just come into our lives just because… Don’t we have to earn it, deserve it, and kinda uh…work for it? There’s so much going on in m head about this article. The investment way of getting a man is amazing. I would definitely invest time in someone…again. As much as I don’t want to go through what Ash did, I’m sure there are some bad apples in the bunch… I can take a bruised apple and eat around the bruise. I’d like to definitely make this a Twitter topic.. Someone of my followers shop :-/ and it’s sad…Everyone can drop their Twitter names. I’m not follower hungry but you’re all a very interesting bunch. I’m Sue, best known as @RealTalkSuki on Twitterland #sukishrug
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 1:34 pm
I don’t think it comes out until later this year…I’ll let you know though!
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Ash Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Thanks, Sue! It’s been a little over a year now, so I’m doing well. I haven’t given up on men or relationships, but my heart is definitely more guarded now. You live and you learn…
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Sue Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
^_^ Thank you!!
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Ash Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Thanks, Sue! It’s been a little over a year now, so I’m doing well. I haven’t given up on men or relationships, but my heart is definitely more guarded now. You live and you learn…
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Sue Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 3:12 pm
You’re very right about that. Living and learning. The whole guarded thing? Yeah, I feel like I do that all the time and ehh I dunno. One day, these walls can come crashing down. Maybe.. And you’re welcome!
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I’m not feelin this too much. I mean i understand the investment thing..but we need to be near eachother’s level in all areas mentally, financially etc. I always believe that I aint tryin to teach no man how to be my man. Yes we both will have to learn how to be togethr etc buuuuuut..if i gotta break everythin down to u..or build u up totally..that aint it. Bcuz I’m comin to the table with sumthin he gon need to come with sumthin too.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 7:26 pm
I really don’t think he was talking about a woman who has her stuff together finding a weak and feeble man. I’m kinda wondering why a lot of the comments today went to the extreme with that.
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**slow hand clap**
I do agree. I agree because I’m 23 and I don’t exactly have all my ish together so why am I out there looking for someone who does? I take this Steve Harvey quote to heart “Don’t ask for what you don’t have.” I can do with a man who is motivated and working for his dreams and that’s what I think Paul is talking about, not Mr. ‘I can’t put two bars together but Imma have a record label’.
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Paul Carrick Brunson Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Exactly!
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Wow, that was like the best pep-talk ever. I didn’t read the other comments yet, because I didn’t want to be affected by anyone else’s opinion on the Video.
First, I want to say good job to 3W’s on thinking out the box and doing something new. So at first I was getting really defensive about this investing mentality, like “why should I have to invest in some brokedown man who hasn’t achieved anything in life…” but then he made it clear that he wasn’t asking women to lower there standards and I was with it, but as I thought about it, other issues came up. There is the fine line between settling and compromising. There have been situations where I thought I was investing in someone who had what it takes to be the kind of man I want to end up with, but it turns out that wasn’t the case. Investments are made in items we hope will appreciate with time, but the truth is we can’t directly affect the appreciation of most assets. Apple stocks don’t appreciate because I buy an I-pod and my house won’t appreciate because I paint it, or get energy efficient windows. Essentially even though I don’t feel like I am being told to settle, I feel like I am being told to place expectations on a man, that over time he will change for the better, increase in value, ect.
I’m trying to be realistic, so I would love to use a guy I dated as an example, he graduated from a HBCU, had an ok job, was working towards being an entertainment manager (manage rappers, singers, models), he was a driven guy but the truth it he may never break into the business and he may end up working a mediocre job for the rest of his life, shouldn’t I accept him for who he is today, instead of dating him and expecting that one day he will make it and will be bringing home that 10% commission (if I love and support him enough)? Should I really look at a man I am dating and say “Baby, I love you now, but I’m hoping in about 5-10yrs you will grow into the kind of man I really want to be with”. I’ll take a quote from my favorite young poet Mayda Del Valle’s poem “To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before” “we are not your mothers, and are not meant to be, it is not our responsibility to raise you into respectful beings” I try to be realistic with my dating choices, I’m not shopping for a luxury car but I’m not going to buy a Toyota, pump premium gas into it for a year and expect that one day it will drive like a Lexus (pause).
People love to use President Obama and the first lady as examples. She was a successful Attorney and he was an intern. I am not sure how far along he was in school but that’s kind of a sure thing, Ivy league, intern, smart. I would have invested in him. I guess in my life I don’t meet men who would appear to be a “sure things”, its hard to figure out who is worth investing in, so at the end of the day, even thought you don’t have to meet all the criteria’s on my long list, I would rather be with someone who I could accept as they are today, than take a risk on someone who may or may not appreciate over time. When investing Volatility is key, greater risk tend to equal greater reward and greater losses. I would never play with my life/emotions/feelings like that.
I would love to see a part 2 to this video about what attribute makes a man worth investing in. I am assuming the speaker was pretty ambitious. What things did he do to let his wife know he would make something of his life, even thought he wasn’t there yet.
I wrote a book eeek…
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