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Quick to Pass Judgment
When I decided to post this today, I was worried that it wouldn’t be received well, partly because folks would be looking for something about the BET Awards. Then I remembered that (1) many other blogs would be recapping the BET Awards and (2) I didn’t really care to do such a thing. Ironically, considering the number of “homewrecker” and karma tweets I saw about Alicia Keys and Swizzy, the topic is fitting. This is a little longer than usual, so deal with it please bear with me.
“Hey Sowhatiff, Sorry I missed your barbeque.”
Those were the words that started what I now call the best and worst of times in my relationship life thus far. I met AC three years ago through a friend. AC was new to the city and my friend thought it’d be nice to introduce him to some folks. Around that time my roommates and I were planning a Memorial Day barbeque, so it made sense to invite him to come through. I didn’t expect him to come, but was a little disappointed when he didn’t show up. I’m not exactly sure why. Anyway, he blamed it on work, and we exchanged a few pleasentries via email and that was that…for about two weeks.
Our groups of friends started hanging out after work and on the weekends. AC and I exchanged emails back and forth whilst we “worked” during the day, text messages after work, and had long phone conversations at night. As we started to learn more about each other and how much we had in common, the tone of our conversations and interactions began to change. We started to like each other. In most instances, this wouldn’t be an issue.
I’m sorry, I’m flirting with you and I shouldn’t because I’m spoken for. Its been a rough relationship but I’m still in it.
At this point, disappointment set it something real, but I, a woman of upstanding moral principle, knew what I needed to do. Draw the lines in the sand, keep things in perspective, and keep it moving. Sounds simple enough right? The two of us acknowledged that the tone of our conversations needed to change, and that we respected our respective positions, and so we would be as friends going forward.
Just friends. We should have stopped talking altogether at this point, but I had enough plutonic male friends to know that friendship was very possible. We talked about everything from the day-to-day dealings of our lives to the desires for our respective futures. We challenged each other intellectually, learned about the pains of our pasts, laughed a lot, and cried a little. In 4 months, we shared more with each other than we shared with most others before. The chemistry was unexplainable. There was no sexy-talk and very little physical touching. Only the emotional kind. Eventually I learned the latter was the more risky for all involved.
I started to fall for him before we shared our first kiss. More kisses followed and the relationship got even more complicated. Take a guess why. At this point, it was over for me. Between my feelings for him and the guilt I felt for loving someone else’s man, I was a mess. I felt like I owed her something. I labeled myself a terrible person for caring about this man and for having him care about me. But didn’t I deserve to be loved?
When people talk about the “other woman,” she is always painted as this plotting, menacing, deliberately enticing creature who preys on unsuspecting men in overly healthy relationships and says “to hell” with the women they are happy with. As someone who has been “that” woman, I can tell you, no the hell she isn’t. If anything, I spent more of my time feeling like hell than enjoying the love that could never really be. Before you go passing judgment on the “homewreckers” consider a few things first:
A lot of times, the home was wrecked before she got there.
AC talked about the issues in his relationship. At first, I spent my time encouraging him to fix things with his boo. Eventually, the signals got crossed, he got to have his cake and eat it too, and I spent my time wishing I could be all the things she wasn’t. In the end, we all lost. In this case, as in many others, that house would have burned down whether I lit the match or not.
People assume too much.
Five years ago, if you would have told me that my deepest love to date would have been with a man I could never call mine, I would not have believed you. Why? Because I thought I was above falling in love that way. And yes, many women manage to skirt this type of situation, but that doesn’t give any of us the right to turn up our noses at someone who didn’t. You don’t know what brought them together. You don’t know how or why they connected.
I’m not saying that cheating is okay. I’m not saying that falling in love with someone else’s boo is ideal. However, ish happens. Think about your last (or current) love. Did you fall in love on purpose? Did you plan for the chemistry to develop the way it did? Did you plan for it to begin or end the way it did?
I know there are some women who, like snakes in the grass, are looking to do dirt. However, “the other woman” is not always of that variety. When I think about my time with AC, if you can even call it that, I often ask myself if I would do it again. I always come back to “Probably not.” (I’m also not traveling down that road again though.) Yes, it was wrong for many reasons, but I gained so much. I learned so many things about myself, what love can be, and how unpredictable life is. I could post entries for days about that phase of my life. But for time, privacy, and space purposes I will keep writing about the woman I have become since.
Nope. I’m not mad at Alicia Keys,
120 Responses to “Quick to Pass Judgment”
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Ok Jenkins, I had 2 comment right away & forgive me for any misspellings b/c I’m on my phone. I have a few points 2 make…
1. I feel ur pain b/c I am willing 2 admit that I’ve been there.
2. Although the woman is oft times looked @ in an I’ll mannered light — which really societys fault b/c above all [he's] the committed one — I don’t know that I’m willing 2 say that alot of ‘homewreckers’ are innocent in their pursuits. A lot of women are manipulative & want what they feel they deserve.
3. Marriage changes ish. Dating someone while he is committed to dating someone is wrong on theory & walks a fine fine line. When ur married under the laws of this land u’ve chosen someone for permanence. Idk about ‘ish just happening there.’
& last 4. While the house may have been set 2 burn, a lot of women are none the wiser. Or @ least that’s what I hear. If they knew their relationship was in turmoil I don’t think the ‘other woman’ scandal would really big that big of a deal…
just my thoughts. Great post.
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JG* Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:48 am
“& last 4. While the house may have been set 2 burn, a lot of women are none the wiser. Or @ least that’s what I hear. If they knew their relationship was in turmoil I don’t think the ‘other woman’ scandal would really big that big of a deal…”
I’d say that it’s easier to point the finger at others vs ourselves. Some times a woman chooses to ignore the issues. Or is self-consumed. i.e. she withholds sex from her man because she’s mad he bought her a flat screen for their anniversary gift. He gets pissed. She’s too consumed in her anger to notice his. He slips off with someone that appreciates his “gifts”. And I’m sure that even when women know the relationship is bad, it is still a big deal.
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S0_Flyy Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 8:35 am
If their commitment goes up in flames over something so simple, then it really was set to end anyways. His mind wasn’t there and he wasn’t intent on fixing it. All the same, if that is the case than why not wait until he is free from her? Or why not free himself? the example is here is someone who doesn’t want to fix what he has, so he may as well leave.
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Honey Dip Reply:
February 24th, 2011 at 2:45 pm
I know I’m HELLA late on this post but I’m new to the blog and I felt compelled… Also, kinda long but if your reading this, you got the time! LOL!
Speaking as a woman who is kissing 30 in the “you know where”, I have unfortunately been the harlot with a married man (early 20′s – young, selfish and going through my own dark time and not considering the damage I was doing… Not making excuses just saying…)and more recently with a close friend who should’ve stayed that way who was not married but in a committed relationship and a family to boot!
With my earlier experience, I realized the mistakes I made and I can honestly say I regret being that selfish person and the reasons I made the decision to do that weren’t very good reflections on the person that I was. I was mentally and emotionally in a bad place and as they say misery loves company. I have since asked God for forgiveness and I have tried to be a better person.
My most recent love affair sounds a LOT like Miss Jenkins’ experience except, I knew this man longer than his girlfriend has known him. We were aquintences and lost touch when I moved out of state and re-connected once I moved back. For years were nothing more than a good friend to talk to and a shoulder to lean on when necessary. The attraction was always there and we even made the conscious decision to stay outta touch for a while because of it. It wasn’t until a little over a year ago that we got caught up in the moment and shared a kiss that changed everything.
Sparing the details of an almost-year long affair, and several attempts on both parts to end it, I finally did in an attempt to wipe the slate clean for the new year and wouldn’t you know, she found out for herself within 2 days of my doing so! (the dark always comes to light!)
I will say that I have NEVER known a love like his and although I regret the consequences that have come from it all, I can honestly say I don’t regret the experience. I probably wouldn’t do it again but I have (just like Miss Jenkins) learned a lot about myself, what I want in a relationship, what I don’t want and refreshed my hope for finding real love.
P.S. I’m not sure why since I’m not one of those women (at least I don’t think so) but many run from the problems in their relationship in hopes that it will just get better on its own out of a fear of being alone!
I think Women need to grow a pair of balls and MAN UP!!! LITERALLY!!! Most men don’t have a problem dealing with the realization that the relationship won’t work and just because you’ve been together for a long time doesn’t mean your supposed to be together forever! (unless you’re the masochistic type and mental and emotional anguish is your thing). You might be missing out on something so much better if you don’t close the door to something that won’t work! Sorry if I sound “eager” to break up a home but I’m not the type to spend my life being less than happy! I only have 1 life to live!
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Oooh Miss Jenkins I loved this post.
I try my hardest not to judge people’s actions. Most people I know – including myself – have cheated or committed some equally egregious act in a relationship, so I don’t feel that any of us have the right to judge what someone else does.
However, while I don’t judge actions; I do judge attitudes. When I was someone’s other woman I knew I was wrong and I admitted I was wrong. I didn’t to try rationalize it by saying I didn’t know about it when we started, even though that was true. And I didn’t try to justify it by saying that I loved him, even though I
thought Idid. I can respect the fact that we all get our heads turned at one point or another, but I will judge someone who cannot see anything wrong with being the other (wo)man or having another (wo)man.As with anything else in life, I can understand your sh*t if you admit it stinks. If you don’t, I’ll judge you for it.
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Great post.
Far too many females acting brand new, passing judgment on Alicia when they’re history with men is far from spotless.
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I’m glad I told my tears to stay where the hell they are because I kid you NOT, I was here… in 2007. Senior year high school. The guy who became my best friend… I was his go-to woman. Talked about anything and everything while talking about nothing at all. I knew he had a girl. I didn’t want anything from him. We made great friends. But because we became so close so quickly, we both were go-to’s for the other. I’d run to him in my relationship crisis & vice versa. It was a terrible mistake but I wasn’t PLANNING on it. I sure as hell didn’t want it because I was already wrapped up in my own mess of a soon-to-be breakup. I was what we all know as “vulnerable” and damnit.. well (insert the rest of story). We did the unthinkable and it made us look crazy. But if you asked me, I was ready… is that weird?
Long story short, people are very quick to judge. My own “friends” have used that “homewrecker” word towards me but no one knew the story behind the scenes. No one was there when he came to me saying he felt like nothing to her or that she didn’t make him feel loved, etc. No one knew the TRUTH but were quick to throw labels and point fingers. I don’t care now. It ended how it ended and I’m here now.
OH! Lemme answer the questions this time:
Did you fall in love on purpose?
– never. I looked down in my lap and there it was. Seed blooming to flowers…
Did you plan for the chemistry to develop the way it did?
– nope. We were friends first. Best friends next. Emotions took over..
Did you plan for it to begin or end the way it did?
– no. I wanted it to be great but I had to let it run its course on its own. I can’t force any relationship.
Great post Miss Jenkins. I’m not mad at A. Keys either..
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I understand what you’re saying. Really, I do. I’ve never been the other woman, at least not knowingly, so I don’t really know how you feel. However, I have been cheated on, and that hurts, too. At the time, it hurt more than anything I could imagine.
People always say that the home was probably already wrecked. Why does that give anyone, man, woman, Alicia, the right to take advantage of that situation? Because it’s love? What’s love got to do with it? What about respecting that man, that woman, that relationship?
One of my biggest faults is being judgmental, particularly about this subject. So, this will probably be my one and only comment today. lol. Happy Monday, everyone!!
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:55 am
“What’s love got to do with it? What about respecting that man, that woman, that relationship?”
I understand what you are saying. But all I can say is that it’s not that simple. It wasn’t for me at least. Like I said, I know should have walked away, he should have gone back to his girl. I thought I could beat the feelings and get over it but I learned a lesson I knew I was going to learn from jump: he went back to her and I was left to pick up my own pieces.
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Denise Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 8:22 am
@missjenkins so was it worth the stress and drama?
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 8:37 am
The short answer: yes and no.
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Satya Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 1:02 am
@ NIA- I sympathize with you however, i never understood getting angry with the “other woman”. In an ideal world she should do the right thing and leave your man alone, but shouldn’t you anger be directed at him? HE is the one that made the commitment to you and HE is the one who is breaking that commitment. The “other woman” is only doing what he is allowing her to do
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 8:56 am
agreed.
Part of the double standards that exist today. Alot of men take pride in taking someone’s girl. Its still a man law working its way thru congress, however many consider it a b!tch move to get mad at someone you don’t know for having fun with your girl.
Though you still may want to choke him out just to make yourself feel better. Still ‘girlfriend-takers’ have a much better reputation than ‘boyfriend-takers’
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A.Smith Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:29 am
I have never understood that (and that’s ok by me) but it doesn’t stop me from SMH at guys who brag about their ability to steal another man’s woman.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:20 am
I think you should be angry at them both parties because they both are wrong. I agree with CHeeKZ that this is one of those double standards that favors the men. Everyone in the situation is wrong, but the women will face the brunt of the ridicule and scorn.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:40 am
Bitch-made or not. I will choke a negro/latino out if it makes me feel better. That’s just me though.lol.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:46 am
I co-sign this message! lol.
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This post speaks to me. I’ve posted on SBM before about a very similar situation with a man that was married. I found that most of the posters there didn’t pass judgement and that meant a lot.
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Great post. While I’ve never been the other woman, and I have been cheated on, I just recognized that my issue was with the person that broke their commitment to me. That’s it. Unless “the other person” is a close friend.
In regards to Alicia Keys, etc. I keep my emotions within my own relationship. People were absolutely BESIDE themselves over Akeys & such. I’m like… do you know these people?
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GOAT post. Can’t wait for the morning for more comments.
I just one to defend my future wife, Miss Alicia Keys for a second (didn’t she look great on that Piano tonight? If she wasn’t preggers before she is now after what I was thinking)
Swizz actually came out and stated what the reasons were behind his break up with Mashonda. And for some reason that interview never got the BOSSIP and Mediatakeout response that Mashaonda’s absurd letters received. Turns out Mashonda is crazy and was trying to keep Swizz from seeing his other son that he had before the marriage. If you combine that with Mashonda’s purposely holding up the divorce….. I feel no sympathy when bad things happen to bad people.
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Remi Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 8:39 am
I heard that interview and I still have the same sentiments. He should have ended things with Mashonda completely before he started something new. He claimed she was keeping him from his son, but they have been together for a long time (before marriage) so why would it be a problem now? His story did not add up. Was he going to see his son or going to see his son’s mother? I know from experience that people in those situations will say anything about their spouse or partner just to save face when everyone finds out about what they have done.
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DeSmiles Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:45 am
True. But it is hard to end things with a woman who is holding up the divorce proceedings. She was angry, and rightfully so but she began to do outlandish things. Posting on twitter or using any other media outlets to throw stones is a bit too much. It was clear that she wan’t letting things go because she was publically humiliated……look at D. Wade too…
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:51 am
Look if we are going to speculate everying Swizz says than we have to do the same for Mashonda. And Swizz said it in such a private conversation type momment. Just him and Enuff talking… no press release. He wasn’t looking for a reality show.
Mashonda said “they were having problems” but didn’t want to tell us what they were. Judging how that crazy heffa runs her mouth wouldn’t she had said something by now about it…
My best guess is that the issues with his son were lingering issues that stretch out thru the course of the relationship.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:53 am
and YES. Messing with the way a man raises his sons is grounds to be stoned, cheated on, kicked in the face, called the B word, domestic violence, and @nal rape ‘a la Tom Dubouis (classic Boondocks last night)
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DeSmiles Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:56 am
Indeed. Esp if he is a man willing to care for his son and capable of being a decent father. Shoot he was already half way there by having the desire to do just that: be there. Not cool to deny the child.
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Remi Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 10:13 am
I still think it’s a case of a cheating person looking for a way to blame the person they cheated on. If he and Mashonda had only been together for like two years he would be believable, but they were together for a very long time. They were together for a long time before they were married. If that was a long time lingering issue, he never should have married her.
If someone is attempting to prevent you from seeing your child, leave the person. If you’re married, get a divorce. Their divorce proceedings did not even go on for that long, so even if she was holding things up, it was not that bad. I know people are not even celebs and their divorces took longer (almost 2 years) and no one was trying to hold anything up, there were just complicated issues that had to be resolved (no kids involved).
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I, like many people, know more than one well-respected, independent, woman who has told herself she’d never be the other woman, and yet still managed to find herself in that category. I think it is what it is. No judgment necessary.
I’ve unknowingly/unintentionally been there and decided it was best to never do so on purpose as a result. But in my opinion, if that’s the journey that you as a woman choose to embark on, you MUST be prepared for the obstacles that are bound to come your way. And more importantly, you have to ask yourself what you really want out of all of this. What are you expecting from this man who is living a lie. Be honest with yourself first, before you expect him to.
As a woman in a relationship, I can’t easily co-sign on the “Do yo’ thang” movement of being the other woman, but I DO recognize that it’s not just about her, it’s about him too, and you can never place the blame on just one party. So if anyone wants to hate on Alicia they need to hate equally on Swizz…meanwhile I’ll still be slappin’ her music and coo’ing when their cute little light-skinned bundle of joy make his/her appearance.
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Well,Jenkins, I am kinda mad at Alicia Keys….
I just want to say right of the bat, that if being married and dating someone else or “boo’ed up” are two totally different things…in both cases you are wrong..but dating a married man is totally different.
I think if the man is not married to the SO..then maybe, the game is still in play, then…I mean, if the guy liked it that much..he would put a ring on it. Personally, I am not going to date a man who is otherwise involved..but, I don’t necessarily fault one who does..I will pass judgement if a woman is dating a married man.
Let me tell you a story Jenkins..this is true..and it was my life. My ex husband was seeing this woman for awhile..unbeknownst to me. She called my house..she let herself be known. We talked…since she mad at the time, she spilled the beans..told me everything he told her about ME and our MARRIAGE..alot of people ask me why I talked to her but I was trying to get information, pure and simple. That negroe told her so many lies it was pathetic..How I didn’t do this or that..I had to correct her mis-information at least a dozen times…my point, is if a man is telling you what is SO or wife is NOT doing…he is most likely lying. Hear HER side of the story and it will be much different..anyway, our marriage was destroyed because of her..yes, we were having a few issues..nothing serious..but, with her providing him with constant support and playing the background…he wasn’t focusing on repairing what we had. I asked for counseling and everything….sometimes, the other woman needs to step aside and let that man work out his situation before a woman gets involved with…will it kill a woman to let a man get divorced first and then HOLLA..make sure you are doing the right thing..because that man is not going to do it if you are making yourself constantly available….
If your relationship is established in deception..more times than not..it cannot flourish. No firm foundation.
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S0_Flyy Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 8:30 am
and THIS is what I meant in my #4. Thanks for clearing that up Queen
Why women chose to believe so solmenly EVERYTHING that comes out of a mans mouth who is in an essence lying at the very moment is he w/ you? I have no clue. As I said before, I’ve dated someone was dating someone else and even then I questioned the things he told me b/c he was lying to her just to be w/ me. Why should I believe him now? Love doesn’t mean I’m foolish.
Marriage is completely different – u made a vow. Period.
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nyhoop Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:18 am
Wow, thanks for the honesty. Although I don’t share your experience, I DO share your sentiments. As women, we have that intuition, and we know when our “counseling sessions” with a man about his troubled relationship, will develop into something more. At that point, everyone needs to take a step back…
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I was typing so fast..I have a few mistakes…sorry:-)
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I have been “the other woman” and I still do not agree with what I did, but it kind of happened, so I know that it can. I think those same women should take the time to consider if they were that other woman…how would you feel then? I think it’s often ignored b/c the other woman doesn’t owe the current woman a thing. As true as that is, you should still try to put yourself in the other woman’s position.
Now, Alicia Keys, I believe, is getting such harsh judgment because she has songs like “Super Woman” that preach women empowerment, what she always said she stood for, and then she did this. Yes, it happens all the time, but she’s in the public eye and any move she makes is going national.
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LaBakir Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:07 am
Now, Alicia Keys, I believe, is getting such harsh judgment because she has songs like “Super Woman” that preach women empowerment, what she always said she stood for, and then she did this. Yes, it happens all the time, but she’s in the public eye and any move she makes is going national.
Yeah, but she’s still human at the end of the day. Nobody is perfect. People put too much pressure on celebrity’s. I don’t feel as though her “affair” with Swizz takes away from the essence of who she is as a person.
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nyhoop Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:21 am
I don’t feel as though her “affair” with Swizz takes away from the essence of who she is as a person.
Really? You don’t think it’s a “do as I say, not as I do” paradox?
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LaBakir Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:29 am
@nyhoop
I thought about it that way too. I just think just b/c you do something “bad” it doesn’t make you a bad person. We all can sit up here and “preach”…but it’s hard to practice and follow through w/ those actions. Even the best of us get caught up in a not so good situation.
Yes, that situation is EXTREMELY shady…but none of us know the details. I just think people are so quick to judge. It’s no difference that the Bible thumping person who gets in their car and curse somebody out for cutting them off. Just b/c they slipped up and cursed somebody out…doesn’t take away from the intention in their spiritual walk.
Just my thoughts
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 10:26 am
co sign. There are some people who are actually bad human beings. They are mean, shallow, stupid,self-centered, maybe even ugly… and now all of sudden who have the right to judge a beautiful talented champion of the AIDS crisis in africa.
I know cheating is a major sin… but if losing your man meant that we had a cure for AIDS, wouldn’t you take that trade off? I find Alicia’s character to be pretty high, despite these sins. One sin and she is a wh0r3?! One sin and she can never have a song with a positive message again? Now she has to be Ciara shaking her waxed ^agina on TV for some ringtones? One sin and she is no longer a great humanitarian, now she is in the same boat with Osama Bin Laden, Sarah Palin and John Mayer after he said the n-word.
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S0_Flyy Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 10:10 am
Yeaaaaaaaa I gave the *side-eye* a little more intensely too b/c I mean… she did sing Woman’s Worth. Lol. I couldn’t get over it. But I do see what you are saying LaBakir. & I did read an article that was speaking about how the labels try to force an image on the public, people need to be able to categorize their music and their celebs. So w/ the angel eyes & the braids & beads we (meaning the public) put Alicia on this uber high super clean neo-soul superwoman pedastal.
All I can say is you can only exist as much as the aggregate preceptions of you allow…
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LaBakir Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 10:17 am
@S0_Flyy
I totally understand the side-eyeness (lol). I just feel like damn…cut her some slack. She wasn’t going around peeing on minors.
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S0_Flyy Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 10:36 am
Lmao. True. I understand and I think she should be forgiven.
I think last night was overloaded b/c not only had she this ‘sin’ but A. Key’s ‘sin’ is visible in the form of a baby bump… that drives the people crazy. On top of that, people want her to be remorseful about what transpired. On the other hand she is happy, pregnant and engaged. For women who have been cheated on, that’s not what you want to think about when you think about your ex/theother women and the hurt that you’ve endured.
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LaBakir Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 10:46 am
@S0_Flyy
I can dig it. I just feel people get too wrapped up in the lives of others. Just because you’ve been cheated on in the past (not you in particular)…you can’t let A. Key’s “sins” open up old wounds for you. If anything, be empathatic for Mashonda…and if Alicia and Swizz are happy…let them rock out.
Everything will come full circle. You can’t just walk through life doing things and expecting any consequence.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 10:54 am
I don’t get get it….
what about Alicia’s music screamed I wont take your man? If anything I always took a “I love being in love, And my soul burns for a quality negro like Method Man, Common, or Mos Def.
I know Drake wrote it, but did anybody listen to the lyrics to unthinkable. “I think i deserve it” Classic sleep with your man attitude.
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LaBakir Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 10:57 am
@CHeeKZ Money
*gives dap* I was thinking the same thing! Being a “Super Woman” doesn’t mean she won’t boink your boo.
CHeeKZ I swear when she recorded “Unthinkable” Swizz was right outside the studio. She’s looking through the glass…holding her headphones…while he’s staring intently at her.
She was singing to him w/ all her heart. And they def did the unthinkable.
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S0_Flyy Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 11:10 am
Uhm… Unthinkable was definitely post-Swizz… we know the lyrics from that album were def speaking to that relationship or something of the sort.
CHeeKZ you gotta be kidding me…
Now you, talkin bout a family
Now you, sayin I complete your dream
Now you, sayin I’m your everything
You confusin me
What you say to me
Don’t play with me
Don’t play with me.
Cause what goes around, comes around.
What goes up, must come down.
Now who’s cryin, desirin to come back to me
those are the lyrics to Karma.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:46 pm
i always took Karma as what you would say to a man who tried to come back after cheating…
I’ stretching it I know.
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Reecie Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 1:42 pm
when I first heard of this scandal, Karma was the first song that came to mind. because I love it, and that chorus *shakes finger at Alicia * what goes around comes around, what goes up must come down…but I’m truly over it, I wish other folks would be too.
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S0_Flyy Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 11:12 am
Maybe a better excerpt would have been…
I remember when
I was sittin home alone
Waitin for you
Til 3 o’clock in the morn
And when you came home, you’d always have some sorry excuse.
And explainin to me, like I’m just some kinda fool
I sacrifice the things I want to and do things for you
– I mean I think Mashonda could Amen to that verse.
#ijs
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To clear up a few things since I’ll be in and out of commenting today:
1. I acknowledge that what I did was wrong, but I won’t apologize for my feelings during that time.
2. Cheating during marriage is different than cheating on a boyfriend or girlfriend.
3. I do not condone women coming out of their faces to the wife or girlfriend. Sucks to say it but play your part.
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DeSmiles Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:48 am
People don’t realize that sometimes you are entitled to your feelings. Ish happens and you didn’t plan it.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 10:59 am
3 is the Key to a happy life!
NO SNITCHING! Ever! EVER!
And that isn’t even the ignorant black people definition of snitching were you can’t tell on someone doing bad even if you don’t know him.
This is a real snitching. Were you participate in a crime and dime out your cohorts for your own personal gain. But you don’t even have a “personal gain,” you are just mad and acting on it.
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Well first of all you shouldn’t compare yourself to Alicia keys because he wasn’t married. Second of all there are no kids involved in your situation. when i think of people who do what you did, I say to myself well “sowatiff, how would you feel if it happened to you?”
No, you really don’t owe the other woman anything. But don’t you owe it to yourself to find a man that can give you 100%? Not a man who is just chillin with you until his relationship gets better. I will never understand as a woman, desiring someone else’s man. If he truly wanted to be with you, he would’ve broken things off to make it exclusive/official.
So I ask you……why do you want a borrowed man? Lastly, I don’t believe in the term “homewrecker.” I like to use the term “selfish.” Swizz has children and needs to put his kids interest before his own. Alicia Keys was helping him to be selfish. But its their life. And I truly believe what goes around comes around…….but well……..people do what they do!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:43 am
You’re making the assumption that everyone should be born with wisdom that is only acquired from experience. Don’t really know what else to say on this one. I appreciate the passion though!
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Denise Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:46 am
Good point slim. But I’ve learned through observation. Sometimes I think wisdom is gained by the ability to “not have to experience what is bad, to know what is right.”
I’m not saying that anyone is bad or good. But more concerned with the “why”" people place themselves in situations filled with drama ……..when it couldve been simply avoided. what do you think?
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Slim Jackson Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:53 am
Now this perspective I can roll with since I’m quite the observant fellow. I think some (not all) people enjoy drama and some people get a false increase in their sense of worth when they get involved in these types of scenarios. I also think that once you start talking about emotions, rationality goes out the window. I think many of us are good at giving advice to others about their situation, but when caught up in the mix, we’re the one making calls and forwarding emails that our (potential) significant others sent us to our friends for interpretation, etc.lol. I’d say 90% of the people that comment here have probably done this at some point including myself.
Once you make a mistake, you should learn from it. If you don’t, then well…foolishness and a few other terms come to mind.
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max Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 11:31 am
Don’t you also kinda feel like tv and movies have conditioned us to idealize these kind of situations?
We’ve all been watching these movies where a couple who has an “amazing connection” goes up against some huge obstacle that makes for all this drama and angst and teeth-gnashing before it’s all miraculously resolved and everyone lives happily ever after?
I think a lot of people subconsciously believe that true love must have a foil…and what better foil than a spouse?
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Starita34 Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 6:14 pm
I musta still been a certified lurker when this was posted but I gotta say – THIS!! ALL. OF. THIS!
“Don’t you also kinda feel like tv and movies have conditioned us to idealize these kind of situations?
We’ve all been watching these movies where a couple who has an “amazing connection” goes up against some huge obstacle that makes for all this drama and angst and teeth-gnashing before it’s all miraculously resolved and everyone lives happily ever after?
I think a lot of people subconsciously believe that true love must have a foil…and what better foil than a spouse?”
THIS is a post all it’s own. THIS explains why women put up with SOOOO much BS…THIS is why people have magical thinking when it comes to love. THIS. MUTHAEFFIN THIS!
*exhales*
*straightens clothes out*
#ThatIsAll
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
This comment tickled me this morning.
Yes, I asked myself “how would I feel if this were me?” But again, I was caught up.
I wasn’t trying to say that my situation was the same as A.Keys and Swizzy, but theirs reminded me of my own.
It’s not as simple as “desiring someone else’s man.”
The rest of your comments relate to with the obvious things we all know (including myself while I was in the situation). My whole point was that emotions, however they evolved, make the simple more complex.
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Great Post! I definitely understand your perspective. However, getting with someone who is married is much different than being with someone who is attached, but unmarried. As someone else mentioned, I think Alicia Keys gets so much heat for being with Swiss Beatz while he was married because her music seems to suggest that she would not be down for that type of situation.
I think the “other woman” always needs to be careful because she is with a man who is willing to lie and cheat. It’s treading in dangerous waters and it will most likely leave you hurt. I hope that’s not coming off as judgmental, it’s just things I don’t think people think about when they get into those situations. I’ve definitely come close to being with someone who was involved with someone else, but as soon as I found out, I ended the whole situation. I knew we couldn’t remain “friends” because it would be a lie we told each other and it would just lead to us being together while he was still involved with someone else.
I get more mad at the person in the relationship though. They always claim there are problems in their relationships, but if it is over, then end things before you start something new. However, these people usually want to have their cake and eat it too, so that never happens.
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Denise Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 8:43 am
“I think the “other woman” always needs to be careful because she is with a man who is willing to lie and cheat. It’s treading in dangerous waters and it will most likely leave you hurt.” <—–this is key
Its not judgmental at all. Its cold, hard, honest truth. 90% of life is the silly choices YOU as a person make and you have to live with it.
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your transparency is endearing..
i can’t judge.. if people were to open up my closet, i wouldn’t be excited about what they’d find..
like Max said, it’s the attitude.. you spent the whole time feeling bad about it.. it’s like you couldn’t even fully enjoy what was happening because of the guilt you were feeling.. which had to suck..
i think it’s crazy when the woman will attack the other woman.. i call that the “jerry springer ish..” that man didn’t respect what ya’ll had.. deal with HIM!
i’ve flirted with a married man before.. i’ve been cheated on so i know the feeling.. i can’t say that i would do it again.. i don’t wanna mess up my karma.. he’s chosen his “forever partner” and i’m stil out here. i can’t afford to take any chances that might fudge me up in the future..
it’s not worth it.. i’m too old to not have foresight..
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LaBakir Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:11 am
i don’t wanna mess up my karma
That right there is what I always keep in mind. Although my boy isn’t married…it’s still a tough situation. That’s my best friend from childhood. He has a girl…on and off. Just a bad combo all the way around b/c our friendship is strong but now we look at each other through the eyes of adults. But his “girl” is always in the back of my mind when we talk about the “what if’s”?
Gotta keep my karma account in tact.
I’m just happy he plays ball overseas…so everything is under control b/c I don’t get to see him often.
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I think your story sheds a light on what a lot of us like to ignore — emotional cheating.
We talk about the differences in how men cheat versus women and folks always come to the conclusion that for men it’s physical and for women it’s emotional.
But I’ve seen (and been in) those situations where it’s the emotional thing for men. They’re in a bad relationship, they want it to work and they find somebody who will listen and be supportive… I’ve seen it (and did I mention been a part of it?). Once that snowball starts down that hill, it can be so hard to stop it.
As a matter of fact, even though my BFF is male and I believe platonic relationships between men and women can exist, I have a male friend that I purposefully keep a certain amount of space from (space I would never think of having betwixt the BFF and I) because he’s in a relationship and I just KNOW with the switch of a knob or two, things could get really bad.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:47 am
“But I’ve seen (and been in) those situations where it’s the emotional thing for men. They’re in a bad relationship, they want it to work and they find somebody who will listen and be supportive… I’ve seen it (and did I mention been a part of it?). Once that snowball starts down that hill, it can be so hard to stop it.”
Yeah, I was that dude before. I actually broke up with the chick for the friend that was supportive. It does happen really quickly. That’s why I’m cautious with women and their male friends.lol.
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Please Excuse Your Significant Other Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 10:42 am
“That’s why I’m cautious with women and their male friends.lol.”
coSign
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 11:13 am
double the cosign up.
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The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
All in on the co-sign
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Let’s just say that I’m not mad at Alicia, either. Stuff can spiral out of control and before you know it, feelings have taken root. *le sigh*
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I am dealing with this right now. My “friend” and I have had a connection since we started talking again after about 8 years absence. We knew that we had an instant attraction. Before I knew it he and his high sweetheart (who hadn’t dated since high school) decided to get married. That was 2 years ago and our attraction is stronger than ever. The only good thing is that he is 12 hours away and we can’t act on it. When he comes to town we make an effort to make it a group thing so that we won’t have any time alone, but all of his guy friends know and my girls know that we have an attraction and watch our eye connect and smiles at one another. It’s horrible to love someone that you simply just can not have.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
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this is a great post. last night i was dumbfounded at the women (yes women because i didn’t see any men going in) on my timeline that expressed their deepest hatred (yes hatred) for alicia keys. funny thing is that a couple weeks ago most of these women tweeted/had their gchat/bbm status as “if you ask me (i’m ready)”
no one knows the exact details of what occured with a. keys and swizz beats. yes he was still married when she started dating him but i’ll be willing to bet that a lot of women have probably been in a keys shoes, so they feel guilt. or they have been in moshonda’s shoes so they feel jaded. either way i feel like a lot of women have placed themselves in the situation and unnecessarily cast judgement on her.
So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. John 8:7
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S0_Flyy Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 10:32 am
“…but i’ll be willing to bet that a lot of women have probably been in a keys shoes, so they feel guilt.”
I was going to say this in response to Miss Jenkins last night. And I just thought about it again. I think a lot of people feel like others are judgemental b/c they’ve never “been” there but I think it’s quite the contrary. I think a lot of people judge the situations b/c they’ve been participants. Either they were the OW, thought about being the OW, got cheated on… on maybe even they were one who did the cheating. I think a lot of women have been there in thought/mind & maybe they had the fortitude to walk away from the situation giving them the right (or so they deem it) to pass judgement so harshly on others. Yet again, there are others who feel guilty b/c try as they might to justify their actions, (and I’ll agree that life & isht happens)… it was still a painful situation.
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Satya Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 10:46 am
@ MAd Scientist- TRUTH!! It’s always been so funny how wrapped up people become with celebrity drama. Ex: the Nas Kellis child support. Regular run of the mill less than $30K making dudes were all ” OMG that Bish is greedy, I’d never pay that amount of $ etc…” Why are you worried about those two so much? You don’t even make $49K in a year, don’t worry about Nas paying that much a month.
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MadScientist7 Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 11:48 am
the thing is celebrities are people as well. yes they make a lot more money that a regular person does but they are in fact still people. i don’t know why people tend to hold them to these high standards when they have flaws just like you and me.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
B/C Nas is our hero and he is being done dirty!
That is a different story. Nas child support case is a matter of public record. Its a judge (using authority given to him by the people) to levy a man’s account. We have every right to put our noses in that bizness.
Its not like we are passing judgement on Kelis for having a s3x tape with her and a wack rapper from Ruff Ryder while high on drugs. We are made at a legal matter.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 10:52 am
Thou shalt not commit adultery, Ex. 20:14.
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders. nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God,
1 Corinthians 6:9-10
My point being, we all can find scripture to advance any side of the argument.
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MadScientist7 Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 11:41 am
yes you’re right. we can always find scriptures to fit our side of the argument. let’s look at the scripture you picked out for instance. was alicia keys married? nope. swizz beats was. yet i didn’t see any of the women in my timeline come at his throat? why should alicia keys respect his marriage if he himself is not. not saying it’s right but it takes two to tango.
and on top of that what does that have to do with her professional career? or tweeting that you wish she fell off that piano? o_0 you would think a keys took their man.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 11:58 am
1. I agree that judging A.Keyes and not judging Swizz is in poor taste. Unfortunately, the same women bear the shame of promiscuous behavior, we bear the blame in these types of situations. Unfortunately, I think people believe men cannot control their sexual urges, so they are not surprised when men act on those urges. It’s sad, b/c it relegates men to mere animals without logic and reason.
2. I do not condone wishing harm on someone. Especially not a pregnant woman. It’s one thing to think she was wrong, it’s a completely different thing to wish her physical harm. And what about the unborn child? Yeah, that is pretty disgusting. People have to be careful about saying things that may bring negativeity to their own life.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
wait a minute…
N.I.A. your bible verse doesn’t cancel out Tunde (yeah I still call that ninja Tunde). Ok A Keys and Swizz are going to hell, but you STILL are messing up by deeming they are going to hell…. therefore sending yourself to hell. So what’s the point of judging someone b/c it puts you in the same boat?
A bible verse telling you not to do something is not a bible verse telling you judge people who do that thing.
#atheistdoitbetter
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S0_Flyy Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:13 pm
I was gonna say this but I thought I’d leave the Bible alone for today. I agree w/ CHeeKZ, well ‘cept for the atheist part.
But Tunde verse is saying don’t judge her, cuz you don’t have a right.
N.I.A. your verse simply states the facts as they appear for her to judge her own situation.
That is all.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:27 pm
My verse doesn’t cancel out Tunde’s verse. It just shows that the Bible can be used to enhance an argument, as well as detract from the issue.
Whenever this subject comes up, everyone is all over the judge not part of the bible. Guess what, we all judge. In fact, I would go as far to say that the Bible is all about Christians judging right from wrong based on the teachings. However, we are not in a position to condemn. We cannot give salvation, and we cannot take it away. Or at least, that’s how I read it.
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MadScientist7 Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:52 pm
you’re right. i’m not damning her and i’m not giving her salvation. i’m not God. that’s my whole point. who am i to judge her? i’m just saying that how does what goes on in her personal life take away from the fact that she is a great entertainer? like i said some of the women who were slandering her last night def tweeted about “i’m ready” multiple times in the last few weeks.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 3:15 pm
How do you know how atheist do it?!?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm???
You know you need some heathen loving.
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S0_Flyy Reply:
June 29th, 2010 at 8:44 am
You know CHeeKZ, I’d only accept heathen lovin from you. Lol. *wink
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SaneN85 Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
“(yeah I still call that ninja Tunde).”
Me too.
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MadScientist7 Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:49 pm
“Tunde (yeah I still call that ninja Tunde).” it’s cool dude. that’s my real name.
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nyhoop Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:03 pm
maybe you should follow new women (@nyhoop lol #colemanloveswindle) cuz my girls were equally dishing it out, lmao!
I keep the music and the person separate. I think what she and Swizzy did were both foul, but I don’t lose sleep over it one bit. So I still rock out to her music. Un-thinkable is my ish! All of my absolute favorites have been surrounded by drama (AKeys, R. Kelly, Whitney Houston) Maybe that’s the side effect of genius lol. I dunno…
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MadScientist7 Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:53 pm
don’t worry. you just reminded me that i need to unfollow two women in my timeline that were going a little too hard last night. o_0
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nyhoop Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
LMAO!!!
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LaBakir Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
you would think a keys took their man.
True. In the grand scheme of things…I don’t see what the big deal is. Is A. Keys paying your bills…no. She stopping you from eating….no. So say “damn Alicia…that’s effed up” and K.I.M. But to harp on is just OD’ing
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I was the “other” woman for about 9 months last year. Initially I wasn’t aware that the guy had a girlfriend (she lived out of state). By the time he confessed I was in deep and it took me a few months to push my feelings aside and move on. I was ashamed of and disgusted with myself and I dont plan on ever being in that situation again.
With that said, I don’t make it my business to judge other people. We all have our own sins to bear. However, I can understand why people hate on Alicia Keys and women like her. It’s one thing to be unaware that a man is in a relationship but it’s totally different when you know that he has a wife and kids. Separated or not, married is married.
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Excellent Post Jenkins! There’s just too many “saints” out there for my liking and you’ll see when I put my Michael Phelps swim cap and goggles on and go ALL.THE.WAY.IN Wed!
You never want to be cheated on. You shouldnt aspire to be the others, but lets not all act like we know the entire dynamic of what went down.
I also feel like if it wasnt A,Keys, mashonda might not have reacted as tuff. Thoughts?
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LaBakir Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 10:49 am
There’s just too many “saints” out there for my liking
EXACTLY!!!! Too much judgement being passed for me.
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I see what are saying Miss Jenkins but separated is STILL VERY LEGALLY MARRIED, esp in the eyes of the LORD, so she was in fact a party to adultry and conceived a child while that man was still married.
I’m not calling her names of none of that just stating facts and those are the facts.
If there is a real connection and whatnot why not wait til the man is divorced or whomever, before jumping into to something, not only out of respect for the wife but respect for self? and then there are those issues of unresloved sh*t from the last relationship, time for self to reflect and heal etc, smh…..married and/or legally seperated but still married men are a no no in my world. Its not about being a saint either
-_O, its about respect and doing what one knows is right.
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Everyone judges. Everyday, we make judgment calls about people, places, and things in our life. Twitter was full of judgmental ish last night, and not just towards A.Keys. Yet, as soon as someone cheats in their relationship, people are all “judge not”. I find this very interesting…
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Orange Star Happy Hunting Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 11:36 am
interesting indeed, and the LORD instructs folk to discern situations etc in order to take the right action/make the right decision, use wisdom and get understanding etc NOT act on impulse off pure emotion or carnal urges solely, those are the actions of a fool.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
NIA.. if everyone on twitter jumped off a bridge would you do it too? Post Obama we are suppose to hold ourselves to a higher standard of niggerdom. You heard what Prince said “We don’t have to make the same mistakes I did. A change is coming over America”
Orange…. you are using all this Christian speak. Do you realize Swizz Beatz is a bean pie eating Muslim? So he is allowed to have multiple wives in the eyes of his LORD. Once again remidning me why I don’t respect religion.
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Orange Star Happy Hunting Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:50 pm
I’m not religious, but I believe in GOD… so really could care less what I’m reminding you of, bottomline folk need some type of moral compass to live by, some type of higher authority, when left to their own devices people are phcuked…. btw how do muslims feel about adultry esp women committing it????
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
*sigh*
CHeeKZ, baby, we are all judgmental about some things.
That’s just the way it is. Tupac.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 3:44 pm
But N.I.A. you know you have limitations, and there is going to be a huge discrepency between the reality of the person’s character and what you judge to be true….
By oking judging, I feel like you are, by proximity, oking unfairness. Since they go hand-and-pen!s.
Orange: Here is what I dont get. what if they prayed on the issue, and the only result they came to was the fact that they were meant to be. Maybe their moral compass lead them to be together. My religious ninja told me, don’t assume God doesn’t work in science. Than why can’t he work in sin?
Swizz Beatz + A Keys = Jesus II? God loves light skinned.
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SaneN85 Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 3:46 pm
It’s true, God does love light skinned.
IJokeIKid.
Kinda.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 4:01 pm
I’m not oking judging. I’m just pointing out that we all do some form of judging in life. Period. You don’t have to like it, but you can’t deny it.
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Orange Star Happy Hunting Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 5:29 pm
ok pray about it but do not act on that until you are divorced..thats my thing…
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Slim Jackson Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 11:41 am
I don’t think it’s just with relationships. I just think that relationships are always a hot/gossip topic, so that’s just what happens to be the most discussed. I get fairly annoyed when people go in about someone’s physical appearance when it’s something they can’t change about themselves. I was actually clowning a few aggressive twitter folks for going so hard to get followers by judging an criticizing every thing about every person they saw.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
ditto my SO’s sister had to twit on every person who came on the screen… like damn. U aint perfect heffa, that is why I’m boning your sister.
Its become trendy to be a d!ck during the BET awards.
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The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 5:29 pm
“U aint perfect heffa, that is why I’m boning your sister.”
This should be on a shirt.
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Whilst I am not without sin and therefore not in a position to cast the first stone, I’m still going to judge you. 1. Because I’m a prick, 2. Because I know you could care less. But judge I shall.
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Co-sign with Cheekz – GOAT Post! It brought me out of my lurking.
I used to pass a lot of judgement on women in these same positions.
“Homewrecking Hoe!” was my favourite term for women like this.
However, once I found myslf in a similar and dangerous situation, I realized just how easy it was to get caught up in someone and have a great connection with them, even though they were involved.
When I heard about the Alicia/Swizz situation, I was a little shocked at the situation, but I didn’t pass judgment. I used to be that person who would look down on others for their decisions /mistakes in life. But I learned my lesson the hard way, through experience.
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Wow Sowhatiff, I really loved this post. I’ll admit that in the past I’ve tended to be very quick to pass judgement on others (especially in regards to moral dilemas within relationships). idk if it was just my being young and naive, however it just seemed to me that unless a person is completely lacking a conscience, they are capable of knowing that the action they are about to take is plain wrong and would potentially anger/hurt their SO if he/she ever found out.
With that said, I never realized how much of a dilema this could be until i unwittingly found myself in a situation very similar to yours. I met a guy through a friend and we were immediately drawn to one another through great convo alone. Of course it didn’t hurt that he was good looking as well, but that wasn’t the main point of focus seeing as though we only began speaking to one another on a strictly friendly basis. However, after a few weeks and lots of stimulating convo, we inevitably realized that there is a mutual attraction between us. During one of these discussions about our feelings for one another, I learn that not only is he currently in a relationship (that appears to be rather stable/happy), but his GF is 5mons pregnant.
Now clearly anyone with any type of a moral compass would step away from that situation before things got any further, and that is exactly what i did. But i must say that that was actually quite a hard decision for me to make. He seemed as if he had the potential to be a great BF, and if not that, at least a long term platonic male friend, but i knew that it was best for all parties involved if i just left it completely alone.
This situation has definitely taught me alot about not taking things at face value, and most importantly, that “the other woman” could actually be an upstanding honest individual who may have lost perspective on the potential consequences of her actions while dealing with the individual in question.
p.s. sorry for the looong comment
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I just want to say that I’m not a fan of the “people do it all the time so its ok” philosophy. I think even when we are wrong in any situation, we want to try and find something that will justify our actions (probably because of guilt, or whatever.) which doesn’t help the situation. No, I don’t put labels on people, but I do judge actions, especially if they seem contrary to what you say…
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I don’t think anyone who has fessed up to being in situations like this have said anything near “people do it all the time so it’s okay”. I know damn well what I did was 100% wrong. I know that I would make different choices if I could turn back time. I know that I pay for it in guilt everyday. I also know that just because I made some bad choices doesn’t make me a bad person. I get that we judge people on their actions, but a person is a sum total of all their actions, not just the one.
Also, I’m not sure why some people on here are saying it’s one thing to be involved with someone who is in a relationship but sooooo much worse when the person is married. IMO, one is no worse than the other. That’s like saying the guy who murders 6 people in cold blood is somehow better than the guy who murdered 10.
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Remi Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 2:24 pm
“Also, I’m not sure why some people on here are saying it’s one thing to be involved with someone who is in a relationship but sooooo much worse when the person is married.”
It’s different because there are vows involved with marriage and, whether or not it actually happens, when people get married they are vowing to be together forever. That is not the same as having a boyfriend or girfriend. It’s still not a cool situation to be with someone who has a bf or gf, but it is totally different than being involved with a married person. There are different things at stake, such as a family that may be destroyed b/c of infidelity.
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SaneN85 Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
“It’s different because there are vows involved with marriage and, whether or not it actually happens, when people get married they are vowing to be together forever.”
I very strongly believe that this vows are meant to be sacred and never, ever taken lightly. However, as someone who took those vows and remained miserable through the length of my marriage, in the end they are just words. They can’t hold a marriage together, they can’t/won’t make a person happy. Sometimes, no matter how hard you fight for that marriage or how many sacrifices you make, it can end up no more than any other committed relationship. I don’t think anyone should be taking a committed relationship less seriously because there is no legal document and a ring. Just my opinion.
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Remi Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 6:07 pm
I definitely understand and respect your perspective, but even if the marriage does not last, it is still a marriage. There is more involved than another committed relationship in which marriage is not involved. Marriage is still a legally binding contract and interfering with that has different consequences when it ends. If you decided to take that step to be married to someone, it’s more than the average committed relationship, even if it ends. I’ve been cheated on before and it hurt, but it was just a boyfriend so I was on to the next one. I’m not so sure that’s how it would have worked if I were married to the person cheating.
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SaneN85 Reply:
June 28th, 2010 at 6:40 pm
Yes, it’s much harder and can cost you more to breakup with a legal spouse, but I don’t think the hurt is any different if you really love someone. I had the misfortune of actually being in that situation, and while I was devastated at the time, I was eventually able to move on just like I would have if we had never said I do.
Say couple A has been together 15 years and so has couple B. However, couple B has been married 11 years of that time. Does it matter less if a person in couple A cheats? Not in my opinon. I’m not condoning cheating in either couple, but I don’t think one is somehow worse than the other. I think it’s dependent on the emotions that people have invested in that relationship. The actual committment made in the eyes of the law and whatever higher power you pray to may lead you to really consider staying with that person, but if you loved them that strongly either way you’d consider that. I hate to bring it up, but I think there are a large number of homosexual relationships that would defy that it would somehow be less wrong if there’s no legalities involved.
I’m not trying to downgrade the committment made when getting married, and I’m not trying to justify cheating in a marriage when unhappy. I just don’t believe that one example of cheating is somehow less wrong than the other. Just my .02.
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I had a long comment, but it got deleted. le sigh
Anyway I said something to the fact that you don’t know when Swizz/Mashonda’s relationship was over. He could have asked her for a divorce when this mess got started, we only started hearing about it when he started dating AKeys.
In NYC until recently it was virtually impossible to get divorced, you had to basically sue the other person. I know a lot, and I do mean a lot of people who didn’t want to be married anymore, but because the other person didn’t want out, or didn’t to be without insurance, or didn’t want you to be happy with someone else, they were basically a slave to the SO.
We all judge, it’s human nature, but the best thing is to try to be a good person yourself. People need to realize that NO ONE is perfect, we all make mistakes and we all need to learn from them. Personally I want AKeys to be happy, and I hope that this is true love for the both of them. But if it doesn’t happen, then it doesn’t happen.
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Now this is what I’d call my re-education ..
I really don’t have anything to add after 109 comments..
This is truly cool;
First time here
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FINALLY.
I’ve been screaming this from the rooftops (of twitter)… you don’t know what was going on b/n swizz and mashonda b/c you weren’t in the relationship. Not that I condone that type of behavior but there are somethings that just happen and you can’t be so quick to toss the side-eye to a situation you don’t understand.
I’ve def been in that situation and had to learn that removing myself from the situation was the best thing for all three of us. HIm and I eventually got back together over a series of three years continuously dated and he’s been my deepest love ever. And most likely the deepest there will ever be. Do I regret pulling him away? sure. but when I think about it all I did was give him the strength to cut the last string.
All I’m saying is that every situation doesn’t involve a girl who is more interested in playing steal a man or who wants a man in a relationship because it’s easier (oh i’ve come across that)….
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This story and path seems like one of the common ones these days. I found myself in a similar one a few years ago, but I was out of my relationship and tryin to find somethin new. would I do it again? No, because I’m gonna hitched in 3 weeks, but I’m with u miss Jenkins, I learned so damn much from that experience that I never thought I ever would.
keep on keepin on girl
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Miss Jenkins-
You just pulled a Lauryn Hill and killed me softly.
I was the other woman in a very similar situation, and like you, to this date- He was my deepest love and he was never mine. I appreciate this post. Not much for me to say because you already said it-
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I don’t usually comment but this post hit close to home. I often think back to the time period where I loved another woman’s husband and shake my head at the mess I was. I don’t consider myself a homewrecker because he had already moved out. I validated my actions because he was mine first even if she had put in 10 yrs and 2 kids (our original relationship ended 6 months before he met her). I still love him and he still loves me but I couldn’t continue the facade of happiness. Thank you for the reflections
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Wow…
I happened across this blog and found this post. This struck a chord with me, not because I’ve been through it, but because I’m going through with it right now.
Your story could be my story right now. Only difference is, I haven’t conquered it yet. Right now, we’ve made it to the “I know we’re wrong so let’s just be friends” stage and its hard. I still see him all the time. I still talk to him all the time. I know that we should probably cut off contact but he’s truly the best friend I have and I’m his. I NEVER intended for things to go down this awful road. It makes me cry and breaks my heart because not only do I love this man I can never have, but because of the intense guilt I feel over the situation. He’s not married to her but he’s been with her for many years. I have no problems at all with her. She’s nice and sweet and an overall good person. I would never have chosen to fall in love with someone else’s man. Like the post said though, sometimes life takes you where you could’ve never imagined.
Don’t judge people because you don’t know the kind of agony that their mistakes cause them. I KNOW I’m wrong but it doesn’t change my heart. I just try and pray that this will all be over sooner than later. Dealing with this has cost me so much that I’ll never recover.
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Identify what’s really connecting you. It’s easy for two people to talk about a problem; it’s uncommon for two people to solve them through communication. It’s easy to be a challenge; it’s uncommon to be an opponent. You have to be sure your connections aren’t easy and actually require effort and growth. If that’s the case a committment should be made because the easy girl is his way of passing the time. Make yourself known.
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