Visit Our Store!
The Ten Office Commandments (Redux)
Since Slim and I both have new jobs now, I thought it was appropriate to set the bar before things got out of hand. Enjoy!
This Is The Face You Would've Seen on UStream
Slim and I were crossing the bleak desert, leading our people (what’s left of them anyway) to the promised land when we stumbled upon a burning printer. After replacing the paper, changing the toner, shutting it down, restarting it and then calling IT, it began to print the Ten Office Commandments. And now we have come back down from the mail room to share what was bestowed upon us by that divine printer.
I. Thou shalt not sit next to me in the bathroom.
My dude, I thought we already addressed this. I even drew a diagram to simplify it. Why is this still an issue? There’s a reason they call a toilet a throne and no one ever dared to sit next to the king.
II. Thou shalt not have lunch time meetings without providing lunch.
It’s blasphemy to take away my lunch hour and then not even provide lunch. Even airlines have the decency of throwing some salted peanuts at you so you don’t pass out or go into diabetic shock. Do what you want, but you won’t be able to hear anything over the Mt. St. Helen like rumblings coming from my stomach.
III. Thou shalt not set up 5pm meetings on a Friday.
Do I really have to explain this to anyone? Two words – Happy. Hour. And I cannot be happy in a meeting. That is unless Janice over there wants to hop up on the table like it’s Coyote Ugly and “get low” with Kelly from Finance. Or we’re going to start to use this giant conference table for a rousing game of Beirut aka Beer Pong. Call me Jesus Shuttlesworth.
IV. Thou shalt not eat nor drink of anyone else’s nourishment that is in the refrigerator.
However any food, drink or condiments without a name on it is fair game.
V. Thou shalt not sleep with someone at work.
As a friend so eloquently said to me, “Do you go home and take a shit on your kitchen table?” I couldn’t have said it any better.
VI. Thou shalt not email me inappropriate content with the subject of the email being “Delete Immediately!”
Do you not think they watch everything we do here? Chances are if you send me an email with that subject, I will do exactly as you asked without even opening it. If you wanna get fired, then fine. Leave me out of it.
VI. Thou shalt not send me reckless pictures embedded in emails or urge me to click links that aren’t safe for work.
Can’t you just effin type NSFW? If I lose my job, you will lose your life. Nuff said.
VII. Thou shalt not ask to be added on Facebook.
C’mon. How you gonna ask me, a co-worker, to add you on Facebook after you already know that my settings are secure. Now I gotta change my privacy settings again and add you to the block list so that all you can see is my picture and a smiley face. Damn you! Damn you to hell!
VIII. Thou shalt not look at what one is eating for lunch then ask “What you got there for lunch?”
Sometimes it’s really just better to say nothing at all than to make small talk about something that you already know the answer to. A sandwich is a sandwich. A salad is a salad. An angry co-worker is a Black guy named Slim.
IX. Thou shalt not ask one about their weekend with the intention of talking more so about their own.
Honestly if you don’t care about my weekend that’s fine. I don’t care about yours and I’d rather you not know about mine unless I won the lottery in which case today is my last day here. If you just wanna talk about yours, get it over with. Please. The sooner you finish talkin, the sooner I can go back to reading blogs.
X.Thou shalt not label the Black guy/gal in the office as the Chocolate Skin Delegate.
Please don’t seek out the Black guy/gal in the office for questions regarding hip hop, inner city living, Barack Obama, or affirmative action. This more than likely will backfire and produce the same result as the 5th commandment. Cordial and comfortable are completely different things. Knowledge is power, so know the difference.
Any additions folks? We brought some extra copy paper and some Sharpies just in case.
Seattle – My Card is Black, Cross Me & Your Eye Will Be Too – Washington
Slim – Where’s My USPS Hat? - Jackson
25 Responses to “The Ten Office Commandments (Redux)”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Leave A Comment...
RSS & Twitter
-
That picture is too funny! Hahahaha!!!
I have to agree with these commandments, on point!
But for X would I be able to get away with Mr. Chocolate Hershey bar that melts in my mouth and not in my hand?
I’m big in giving coworkers nicknames anything from Mr. Burns to Mrs. Fairy to Mr. Nosie to Ms. Stinkers…
Reply
Numbers IX and X are full of truth.
Especially this part. Everyone and their mama know this is fact:
“The sooner you finish talkin, the sooner I can go back to reading blogs.”
Reply
LOL@ this WHOLE thing…
i don’t work anymore.. but things that i will be carrying to the next job..
IV- i HATE when people eat my food.. my brother does it at home and it drives me insane.. i once put X-LAX in my fruit punch so i would know who was drinking it.. whoever kept running to the toilet was the fool.. and i let him have it.. best $2 i ever spent..
VII- the daughter of my former boss kept on asking to be added to my twitter.. i looked at her and was like “half my tweets are about your idiot mother.. don’t do it to me.. and don’t look for me either” besides, other than work, what do you and i REALLY have in common.. you’re 17, i’m over 30.. trust.. you won’t help my street cred! GTFOHWTBS!!
VIII- in the same way i hate people eating my ish.. square that measure and then multiply by 100.. don’t ask me what i got.. don’t stick your nose in my food.. and for D*MN sure don’t ask to taste ANY of it.. you don’t know me like that.. i will go insane..
#whytheydatewhitewomen
and lastly X- why, oh why do people think that the darkest person in the office must also be appointed the “urban ambassador”.. don’t let them find out you come from Jamaica, Haiti etc.. because then you must also explain not only urban culture. but what’s happening in your country of origin as well..
“no, i do not know how deeply rooted is Buju’s hatred for fassies..”
“no.. i don’t know where she got her lacefront.. i don’t wanna explain what a lacefront is..”
i don’t have the kind of patience to school all of you.. nor do i want to break down what “bumboclaat” means..
Back the fudge up!!
XI- though shalt not ask me to come in on some weird hours.. and then not want to pay me overtime..
no, i’m not gonna leave early every afternoon during the week to balance out my coming in on saturday morning.. eff you! and if you really wanna know what bumboclaat means, i can use it in a sentence for you right here!!!
XII- i however, reserve the right to work through lunch.. then take lunch in the afternoon, leave early and go straight home..
hey.. it balances out..
XIII- thou shall not have a “company function” and then make my appearance mandatory.. i dont’ have any choice in working with you.. i’ll be doggoned if you force me to socialize with you people on the hours i have free.. AND you ain’t gonna pay me overtime..
did you REALLY hope to learn what bumboclaat means? cuz you’re pushing it, becky!!
congratulations on the new jobs!! you gotta set the standard early!!
“i don’t wanna d*ck ride or nothin..”(riley Freeman..) but seattle, i BET that’s what you looked like on the ustream..
me and you, bleachers.. at 3 o clock!!
*d*mn, that was long…
“that’s what she said..”
Reply
Lola Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 1:39 am
That was long! lol good read tho sweetie! Had me laughing over here!
Reply
Andressa Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 12:37 pm
I swear. Your whole post left me #dead
Reply
This is CLASSIC!!! HAHAHAHA this certainly makes me feel good entering my 8am meeting….HAAHAHAHA!
Reply
I have serious disdain for people asking me about my food.
The worst are the 2520s who are starving themselves so they come stare longingly at my food then walk away saying, “Man. I wish I could have that…” O_o. Well… can you go sulk about that at your desk, quietly??
And I like Happy Hour, but… I have to mentally prepare for drinks with the coworkers. They go in like we’re still in undergrad and I don’t be ready for all of that all of the time. Therefore, the begging me to come out because “you NEVER come out with us anymore…” thing is super annoying and makes me hate them more. Ya damn skippy I don’t. I have to FUNCTION tomorrow. Tomorrow is WEDNESDAY.
But, as one of my fellow coworkers put it, I have Senioritis. I’ma be out in t-minus 63 days. Just like when I was a Senior, I don’t want to do work so I don’t (kinda…sorta…ok, I do it, I just don’t like it… lol) I don’t want to socialize with people who aren’t my friends/I won’t care about in 64 days and I don’t care to get to know our new co-workers at all (someone asked me the new girls name and I couldn’t remember even meeting her…). ::shrug:: I’m over this.
Reply
This is SSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOO on point!!!
I. I hate this one too! I experienced this yesterday. Four stalls, I’m in #1, the rest are empty, why come straight to #2??
VI. If I send something NSFW, I send it to cell phones! That’s what BBM is for! (for all us BB users lol)
VII. I had a supervisor tell me to look her up and add her on FB. And she followed this request with “I won’t hold anything on there against you.” I already planned to NOT add her, that sealed the deal. I won’t even add any of my coworkers…don’t need them in my business/life more than necessary
Reply
I remember one time a coworker insinuated that I ‘must” be voting for Barack… Like..how could I not right?
x_x
He was Indian though, so he got a semi-pass due to the brown skin exemption
Reply
Word to IV… “that’s Simone’s cake!!” – terry tate
Word to VIII… Forreal.. get yo face outta my lunch before i have to call terry tate over here to clothesline you..
Word to X… you’re lucky i love hip-hop so much that i’d talk about it to just about anyone… but please, don’t ask me about barak. you know i love the homie obeezy.
Reply
The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 9:50 am
Every office should have a linebacker. It would keep things in perspective.
Reply
Guns & Butter Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 10:16 am
i might have to consider a career change.. and offer my services as an office linebacker to maintain order in corporate america.
Reply
BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 6:05 pm
LMAO @ Terry Tate….hahahahaha every office should have one
Reply
LOL @ all of this!! Good list. Especially X. During the election, I was the go to for all things Barack. It’s sad, b/c I know a lot of my white co-workers voted for him, but were afraid to say it. smh…
Reply
BWHAHAHAHAHA… In a building of 300 there are 4 black women, me, the weird chica in grafix, the married lady who is about the leave next week & the old secretary w/ the most annoying loudspeaker voice ever. Guess who is a reference for everything black? It amazes me. Whenever my name is being called I KNOW it is as a reference point. I don’t even think they look at me before they ask if Suge Knight did it. Hell, do I look like I know anything about Suge?
Reply
I used to have a coworker who ate my food and then bragged about like she made it. I fixed that broad though. I put a laxative in a chicken salad I lmade and watched run to and fro the bathroom. She never touched anything with my name on it again.
Reply
A.Smith Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 10:06 am
For the life of me I don’t get those people. Dude, you don’t know what kinda crazy ish I do in my house. You can’t just be eating my food!@
Reply
Guns & Butter Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 10:14 am
Ladycakes is a top shotta.
Reply
LOL at No. 3. I hate late meetings/events on Thursday or Friday.
Reply
IV. Hilarious! We had a case here when someone was stealing Lean Cuisines. Why in the world would you want to eat something as tasteless as that? Ugh!
XI. Thou shall not stop and linger by my cube waiting for me to get off the phone just so you can ask me a question. You better send an email or leave a voice mail. Because now you are eavesdropping and now I have to talk about you. lol
Reply
Jasmine Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 1:05 pm
Lean cuisines and hot pockets are stolen to avoid bad cooking/kitchen habits of co workers. Not everybody is as clean as you think.
I only did it when I was hungover or just wanted to piss off a co worker
Reply
Lmaooo I love this! Ughh I hate the wknd question, what’s for lunch, And NEVER shxt where you eat.
#thatisall
Reply
Wow, this post was written for me.
I have the worst secretary in the world, and that is only because my original one went on maternity leave. (bring the kid to the office I don’t mind lol).
To add:
1. Don’t even cross the threshold of my office door even if the door is WIDE open.
2. U already said it but–Get your fu**ing nose out of my food. Just because you’re curious doesn’t mean u should breathe all over this in your examination. (you already know i’m eating rice and beans lmao.)
3. Don’t ask me about my relationship status. I don’t ask you cause I don’t give a gatdamn and have not opened the door for such free conversation to occur between us.
4. I am not the spokes person for the plight of South America, or the plight of black people. #cantAskMeNothing
5. It is still sexual harassment if you comment on how ‘good’ my body looks even if you are a woman. The fact that you comment about it everyday is unnerving.
6. As my secretary, I expect you to be at your desk for at least 60% of the day. I am not asking that much. #lazyfcuk
In addition to things not to do @ work–> My current sec. has this dying need to organize happy hours, bowling festas, etc.
How the hell are u going to invite ME with a clear conscience when I had to coach you about staying at your desk for the 10,000th time since you got here? Makes no sense. Socializing with people from work is just not for me. I’ve also had a friend go through the task of upping my fb security so that NONE of ya’ll can try and friend me.
Also, do any of the ladies on this site work with a lot of females? I’ve just found that women are actually more inappropriate about that in the work place than some men. smh. You think you’re safe from HR? #watchmenow
Reply
iHOLLERED! This post was hilarious!
This one i have to cosign: VIII. Thou shalt not look at what one is eating for lunch then ask “What you got there for lunch?”
This happened to me A LOT when i was interning! If it wasn’t my students, it was the teacher(s) that supervised me. A pet peeve of mine in general is people looking at my food! Watch your plate, not mine!
Here’s another commandment: Thou shalt not take your problem’s on me. I understand that you maybe having a bad day or have some problems that are really getting to you. However, do NOT get a janky arse attitude with me when i simply say “good morning”. I do not deserve it but you will deserve when i get an attitude back. And don’t try to label me the angry black woman/man afterward either cause that will cause even more problems for you, my friend. Just do yourself a favor, Fall Back Pal before you get froggy and there won’t be any problems.
Reply
Yall are clowns!!! But EVERYTHING is true!!!
Reply