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Things That Make You Look Insecure
I’m not talking about the type of insecurity that is rooted in proof of prior dirt (e.g. He’s cheated before) or indications that he is currently getting cutty (pronounced buns) from elsewhere. I am referring to the type of insecurity that causes a woman to doubt how great she is, or call into question a man’s expressed commitment to her. At times, we all have these moments. Maybe you’ve been hurt before. Maybe you have had experiences that did a number on how you value yourself. However, if you do any combination of these things on the regular, or anytime the opportunity presents itself, there may be other issues at play.
1. Checking his cellphone
Unless you are receiving calls on his phone, curiosity needn’t be this strong. Running through text messages and incoming and outgoing calls just to see what’s up is suss (read: “suspect”). You may mess around and find something you didn’t want to see, or just as bad, something that you can misread and blow out of proportion, leading him to give you a firm shaking talking-to.
2. Asking a lot questions
Where you going? Who you going with? Who’s gonna be there? What time are you coming back? Add the 150 watt bulb, and telephone book and you have a good old fashioned police interrogation. No one likes to be questioned, especially when there is a tone of doubt.
3. Trying to hack into email and facebook accounts/Asking for passwords
It’s one thing if you already have his passwords because he needed you to check something for him, (or if he happens to leave his account open on your comp), but it’s another to try and figure them out and snoop around.
4. Over thinking everything
This a reoccurring theme with women. Because he didn’t respond to your text, email or IM instantaneously, doesn’t mean he’s creeping. Maybe he is really doing what he said he’s doing. Or maybe he means just what he says.
5. Doubting your place in his life
If he tells you that you mean the world to him, why not believe him? Barring him being one of those sleezy dudes that spits game at the rate at which he exhales, you questioning his honestly may result in you pushing him further away.
6. Wanting to be with him 24/7
There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time alone with him. However, outside of the warm and cuddly feeling he gives you, if your objective is just to be able to keep tabs on him. fall back.
7. Keeping your friends all in the mix
This is a fine line for many women. It seems that by nature, we are inclined to consult with our girls for a variety reasons: “Which shoes should I wear?” “Should I get this dress or this one?” “How do I handle this?” This last question is where things get sticky. While it is good to have the perspectives of your friends, telling them every detail of your relationship, and letting them dictate your actions in your relationship, is an issue.
8. Neediness
Ah yes, neediness. There is a paper thin line between being a woman that likes to lean on her man, and needing him to do everything. We know that men need want their egos stroked and caressed like the shaft of a big, long shot gun, but when you’re whiny, and play the broad damsel in distress role all the time, you’re probably more annoying than anything else.
Unfortunately, many insecurities do not manifest themselves consciously. And while they may have tangible consequences, we are often unaware of what they are, or how the come across to others. It takes some real introspection to see what message you are sending via your actions. And this self reflection is not easy to achieve by any means. However, the effort it takes to stop and look at yourself (albeit sometimes after you have already done something crazy) does more than improve your relations with the opposite sex. Hopefully you will gain some insight into the sources of your craziness insecurity, and can get to improving relations with yourself. Pause.
I’m still in Atlanta, but I hope you enjoyed this goodness,
17 Responses to “Things That Make You Look Insecure”
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I tend to do 4 & 5. I over think a lot of things but its not just within the context of a relationship…it can be friendships or with family as well. It is a bad habit. And with number 5, i’ve had someone tell me that he loved me but i really didn’t believe him because of actions afterward (maybe i should’ve took that admission a tad bit more seriously).
I don’t always keep my friends in the mix but i will ask a close, trustworthy friend for advice on occasion & i need to be in a real rut over the situation. I do have my needy moments but they aren’t frequent (its like if i haven’t seen the person in a month or haven’t heard from them in weeks, then i start to get worried more so than anything).
I don’t do 1-3, i think that’s an invasion of privacy and i think respecting a person’s privacy is important.
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I have never been the type of woman to do these things..for one thing, I have always had blind trust in most of the men I’ve dealt with..so, I didn’t feel compelled to do these things….after dealing with a cheating spouse..I have to say, my suspicion barometer is always on high alert now..but, I refuse to indulge in these types of behaviors..I find that what is done in the dark is soon revealed anyway…you won’t have to go looking for it..because it will all come out in the wash in the end….
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I did enjoy this post. I’ve been guilty of #1. But you have to ask yourself regarding #1 and all the others you listed “Self, am I gonna be able to keep this type behavior up forever? What will my life with him be like if I can’t trust him any farther than I can throw him?”
Your “self” will always give you the right answer. Listening to her is the key.
Enjoy Atlanta and best of luck with the awards! Y’all got my vote!!
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I am so guilty of number 4….and i have been scolded so many times on it….i am trying to change…lol
I can’t help but overthink issues and 99% of the time, he always means what he says…..Lord help me
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I’ve been reading your blog for a good bit now. I’ve got a question though. Where did this idea about stroking men’s egos come from?
It’s kind of a disservice to us, because it keeps us from trying to improve. We start resting on our laurels, and that’s when trouble starts. We make less of an effort. We get cocky and lazy. No good will come from that.
I already know I’m kind of fantastic. But sometimes, I need to be brought back down Earth. And I don’t mean nag or pick at every little thing. Keep it civil. Pick your battles. Make it something genuinely meaningful. Shoes laying around, not a big thing. Poor diet or exercise habits warrants a conversation.
Make us be better men. Hold us accountable. Just keep it in perspective. Then, when we show how awesome we are…stroke away.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 8:38 am
It sounds like we are talking about the same thing.
The idea of stroking a man’s ego comes from the same place as the idea of making a woman feel appreciated. If one assumes that by “stroking a man’s ego” I mean fill him with hot air or lie to him about how great he is, their assumptions are misplaced.
Make it something genuinely meaningful. That’s essentially what the phrase means to me. Tell him the truth about who is he or what he means to you. Appreciate him in your words and actions. Don’t take him from granted. Note that if you were to replace “he” or “him” with “she” or “her” it’s no different than what a man should do for a woman or what a woman likely wants from her man.
And doing all that does not come at the risk of making a man cocky or gassed, nor does it mean I couldn’t hold one accountable for the err in his ways. To think that is just silly. It’s all about balance and delivery.
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The one I’ve been guilty of is going through his phone — which really was an exacerbated situation (he would go through mine as well), but still…
And even that little bit of extry was too much. I felt like if I had to do all that, then I was going to have to keep it pushing.
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I wish some of my friends could see this (clicks send)…
I’m guilty of helping my girls do this when they believe their men are cheating. I’ve even driven around the block- parked across the street in a borrowed car, laid the seats all the way back in the shade to spy on a friends supposedly cheating boo. Makes for a great story but in retrospect- no smart.
I’m actually only good for second guessing someone. Everything else I won’t do because I think that if you’re going to cheat-you’re going to cheat and no amount of snooping on my part will convince you to stop. Karma is real.
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I have question at what point does being observant cross into insecurity?
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 10:55 am
That’s a good question indeed.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 12:09 pm
I don’t think observation in and of itself is insecurity. The conclusions you draw based on the observation can be though, depending on what you do or do not see.
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this is a great list miss jenkins. there is nothing cute about insecurity. i wish more people understood this. i will be forwarding this to a couple women that i know. hopefully some of them have already read this #shots. lol
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I sadly over-think a lot. Hell, I’m a writer. Sue me. Naw, actually, don’t. lol I’m trying my best to tone it down because I’m fully aware that I over-think even whilst the over-thinking is being thought. See, how I over-thought this damn comment?
Yeah…
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All it takes is one lousy, trifling ninja to turn a good girl into a crazy, insecure broad. lol.
My thing is, if you ever get to the place where you do these things regularly, it probably just means you should be alone until you can deal with whatever past pain, heartbreak, etc. that has turned you into this insecure crazy chick. Women have to learn to take care of themselves first so that they can give their whole selves to a relationship. This is a good list of things that will most assuredly, lead to uncessary drama in your relationship.
I tell my sister all the time that most people should see a therapist on the regular. If past hurt is leading you to sabotage all of your next relationships by doing any in this list on a regular basis, you should seek some help.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 2nd, 2010 at 12:29 pm
I tell my sister all the time that most people should see a therapist on the regular. If past hurt is leading you to sabotage all of your next relationships by doing any in this list on a regular basis, you should seek some help.
Co. Sign.
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Wow!!! I know exactly who this post is about…, and I’m dating her
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Insecurity is a cold thang. I’ve dated a few men with insecurity and it always ruined the relationship.
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