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Thoughts After Father’s Day
Father’s Day has always been a bittersweet time for me. For about 8 years or so of my life, there was a man I called “Daddy.” He was always in and out of the picture, but he was my dad for all intents and purposes. Eventually ish hit the fan and I haven’t seen in him about 16 years. When I was about 13, I learned the identity of the man who gave me 50% of my smashing good looks but thank goodness he kept his short legs. Then my mom almost married a man who wanted me and the sibs to call him Dad, but it didn’t feel right. When Father’s day rolled around, we got him cards and stuff, but more out of requirement than sentiment.
Between last’s year’s Daddy’s Day and today, I reconnected with my biological father, but don’t feel any more connected to him now than I have in years past. Sure, I have his number. I know where he lives. I know he’s alive. But that’s about it. As Father’s Day approached, I thought about him more than usual. I went back and forth about whether I should call him on Sunday. If I call it’ll seem fake because I only thought to call because it was Father’s Day. But if I do call, I don’t want to say “Happy Father’s Day” because he doesn’t deserve it. Why not? For starters, he has only been one kind of father to me: the kind that got me here. Nothing more.
When I hear my friends talk about their fathers or see them interact, it makes me smile and feel a void at the same time. It’s nice to hear them talk about the men who has, despite their flaws, showed them whatever it is fathers show their children. At the same time, I envy the connection I will never have. The stories of the time they did this together or the time their dad told them that don’t resonate with any of my own stories or memories. When I think about who will give me away on my imaginary wedding day, no father comes to mind. Thank God for my grandfathers, uncles, and brother. While I am grateful for them, I can only imagine that the sentiment would feel different if it were my dad. Then again, maybe not. I’ll never know.
I don’t write this post to say I’ve never had any positive male influences in my life. It’s been quite the opposite. All of those men deserved the phone calls they got yesterday. Those men have been there for me. They have helped encourage and support me. They have grilled the past boyfriends and threatened their lives. They have helped ensure my success to this point. Me struggling with the idea of calling my father doesn’t discount their importance to me. But thinking about what they have done made it even more difficult to call him my father on Father’s Day.
I guess the relationship works two ways. If I want a relationship with him, I should reach out, right? Part of me feels like as the one who eff’d up, he should be dying to reach out to me. Then again, I’m not really sure what kind of relationship, if any, I want to develop with him going forward. I guess it’s up to me to figure that out. Although I forgive him for not being there and understand why he wasn’t (to a degree), I haven’t forgotten about the times when I prayed myself to tears about him, wherever he was. Even with the forgiveness, it’s hard to forget his absence over the past 25 years and not feel the sense of loss that comes with not having him around.
Although Father’s Day has come and gone, I hope that all of you who have had men in your lives over the years took the time to appreciate them, yesterday and always. I hope that some disagreement about a decision one of you made didn’t stop you from appreciating all that he has been in your life. I hope that, even though you two don’t always see eye-to-eye, you honored him for the good he has done for you. I’m not saying the relationship was always peaches and sunshine. But remember when there was sunshine. Acknowledge it. And acknowledge him for the role he played in creating it.
And for those of you who are like me -- in between a place of reconciliation and pain -- don’t apologize for your feelings. Just make sure you can live with the way those feelings influence your actions and decisions regarding your relationship with your father.
I wish I knew what Beyonce and Luther were talking about,
24 Responses to “Thoughts After Father’s Day”
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I’m here with you.. Over the past year, my father all of a sudden called me (from Jamaica).. i didn’t even know who it was, i called him “uncle brian”..
i don’t want a relationship with him, i wouldn’t know where to start.. but i DO need to forgive him. i still need to let it go.. not for him, it’s for me. i realize that i need to heal (i had him for 10 years) and I might be the only glimmer of Jesus that he ever experiences..
i’m not one that gives things “just because” and i for d*mn sure wasn’t gonna call him just because today was father’s day.. i appreciate the sperm you gave (and my hair) but what could i possibly say!?
i do get jealous whenever i see a family that loves each other like a family should.. it makes me sad.. but if nothing else, i know the impact of a broken home, and can strive to not have that happen to my children (when they appear.. #thatisall
i hope you find the closure you seek..
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Tiff I respect your honesty about the situation admire your ability to put it out there.
My parents divorced before I was 2. I’ve always known my my dad. He picked me up every other weekend, my sisters and I have always had a room wherever my dad has lived, he sent for us over the summer, went on vacations, and he’s been there for most milestones. Even with this, my dad and I are not the closest. We bump heads a lot and he’s not always the easiest man to talk to.
I def do appreciate the fact that I have always been able to reach my father if need be and he’s taken an interest in my life. Right now we’re in that place where we’re both adjusting to me being and adult and exactly what that means for our relationship. Hopefully we’ll be able to get closer in the years to come.
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Satya can I just copy your post and make it my own?
I’m the exact same way with my dad (the separated at 6 and divorced at 22 -_-) but him and I rarely get along. From what I understand from my Aunts the men on his side just get mean when they get old. In spite of that- I can never forget every last bit he’s done for me. Apparently I was the original daddy’s girl (he took me to work with him my first year of life) but it’s faded and I hope it comes back because I truly do love him.
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Satya Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 12:58 pm
lol I didn’t know someone had the same situation.
Sometimes I feel bad about my relationship with my dad. Here it is i know him and he’ there but i don’t reach out as much ad I should. I fell bad b/c I know several people that don’t know who their father is or their pops is int he joint… all things in time
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Wow Tiff.. dope post.
I always recognized and felt lucky that my pops has been a positive influence on my life… and it’s whack that so many ppl can’t share in that sentiment. What’s cool is that ppl are able to reconcile it, hopefully leading us as a ppl to re-strengthen the black family moving forward and not make the same mistakes of previous generations.
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Orange Star Happy Hunting Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 10:04 am
I agree, my Dad was not the greatest when I was a small child, he made alot of painful mistakes as a Dad but we are cool now, its not what it should have been but its something and something good for the both of us, my forgiveness was the catalyst.
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My pops is my ace boon. I think I’m one of few men who can say that (from what I hear dudes and their pops just dont get along).
Tiff you said something that resonates conmigo ; “And for those of you who are like me — in between a place of reconciliation and pain — don’t apologize for your feelings. Just make sure you can live with the way those feelings influence your actions and decisions regarding your relationship with your father.”
That’s some real sh!t
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My daddy is my best friend. It wasn’t always like that though. My parents divorced when I was 12. Mom made us “take sides” and that damaged my relationship with my father. It wasn’t until my sophomore year in college that we reconnected. My mom and I hit a huge bump in our relationship (I moved out and everything) and I reached out to my dad in desperation…and ever since then we’ve worked on our relationship.
Family is very important to me…and I try to keep everyone “together” (it’s hard as hell). My relationship w/ my mother is as unpredictable as the weather, but father holds me down. Even when we have disagreements…we can talk about it and move on. I appreciate and love my dad…don’t know what I’d do without him.
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I feel you Jenkins…for umpteen years I didn’t have a connection with my further. I would see him out and about and completely ignore him…I was so angry and bitter. Then one day I saw him yet again..and something in me softened. I allowed him to speak his peace…I realized he had changed, he was not the man he once was…and I have children so I wanted them to know their grandpa. Today we are not what I would call close..but, when I am in town I call him. I let him come see his grandkids..I invite to things. He is my father and the bible says honor thy mother AND thy father..it doesn’t say only if they do all the right things…lol..so, forgive your Dad..and be at peace with him..you don’t have to hang out and huug it out..just be cool with him. Let him in if he wants to be there for you. A weight will lift off of you once you do.
That is all.
Good post.
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This is a great post. And it’s usually these types of post that make people think and then they don’t know what to say/type.
I had a good relationship with my dad while he was here. He had his faults of course, some of which I may or may not have inherited. But as I said yesterday on twitter, people need to seize the opportunity to have a positive relationship with their parents because nothing is guaranteed. You don’t want to end up with regrets.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 11:51 am
Truth be told, I often think of you and your father now that I’m back home. I’m doing my best to seize the opportunities to talk with him more, hang out with him and make the most of the time I’ve been blessed to have now.
…I’m taking up golf again. RCLS, I’m coming for you son.
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The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 12:12 pm
Pause.
-Riley Freeman
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Seattle Washington Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 2:03 pm
Really?
I’m challenging that play.
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The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Good challenge. I’ve just been pausing everyone after last night’s Boondocks episode.
Motion to pause withdrawn.
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let me say this. just because you have were raised in a two parent household doesn’t mean that you had good parents or even good role models. my dad raised me. he was physically there but i think that he failed me in a lot of ways that i won’t get into here. either way i called him yesterday.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
June 21st, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Duly noted.
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I just don’t have anything to add here in regards to fathers or Father’s day. However, I agree with Peyso, the following was some real sh*t.
“And for those of you who are like me — in between a place of reconciliation and pain — don’t apologize for your feelings. Just make sure you can live with the way those feelings influence your actions and decisions regarding your relationship with your father.”
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Most of these comments make me a little sad.
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This was a beautiful post, Tiff. And kudos to you for opening up to us. That’s what I love about the entire 3Ways crew, you have no qualms about opening up and I appreciate and respect that.
The short time I was able to spend with my father here on Earth were goods ones. I’ll always remember the fond times we shared and I appreciate how we were able to share those times even in light of a divorce (happened when I was a baby). It was an amicable one so there was never any ill-will. When he lost the battle to lung cancer when I was 12, I can’t begin to tell you how that felt. I could go through the thesaurus twice and wouldn’t be able to find the right words. All I know is, every know and then I glance at a father-daughter interaction and my heart breaks a little inside.
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Great post Miss J…
I don’t know, I sorta didn’t grow up with my parents, my nana and tata raised me until I was 12, once my parents bought a house in the US then I started living with them, and it was weird, different, hard.
I have a bitter-sweet relationship with my dad. He loves me, I love him, he was too strick (ridiculously strict – curfew at 8 pm, no boys allowed at any one time, no bfs – ever, no partying, etc..), and the way of showing love was different – him grounding me for not taking off his shoes as soon as he walks in and getting him his house shoes was a way of him teaching me how to be a “young woman”.
At times I resent him for not teaching me things that I’ve learned the hard way now, but I know no one grows up knowing how to be a father. He did a great job though. And I’m proud of him.
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This is such a good post.
My dad were never extremely close but it seemed when I entered high school he seemed to hate me. Nothing I did was right so I stop talking to him for about 3 years. My senior year of undergrad I started reconnecting with him and he even came to graduation. Yet there was still an awkwardeness about our relationship.We had a huge blowup about a year and I honestly didn’t think I would ever say anything to him again.
About two months ago he was cleaning up the house and saw my graduation pic and called me to apologize. His acknowledgement of the things he said made a world of difference. I have no idea what’s next but I am excited about the prospect of having a healthy adult relationship with my father.
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Reconcile if you wish. Give him a chance if you wish. No reason to feel bad. Hopefully you guys can have some type of bond, if that’s what both of you desire
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A lot of these post are making me a little sad too.
Growing up I had a great relationship with my father, he took me everywhere! I was daddy’s little girl and in a lot of ways I still am. He taught me a lot about boys/men and taught me that education is the most important thing a person can have…it can never be taken away.
When I was 14 my parents divorced, and a few years later he remarried. After that everything went downhill, he had a ready made family and they had another daughter. I saw how my blood sisters suffer by not having him constantly in their lives the way he was in mine. I’m not saying that he’s not there, because he is, but our relationship is very different. I wish we are as close as we used to be, and I guess I still hold him responsible for the breaking up of my family. But like someone else said, a lot of people aren’t taught to be parents, it’s trial and error, and they are people too and they make mistakes. I’m learning to forgive him.
This year I hadn’t spoken to him since my b-day in Feb, but I still called him yesterday. I made a promise to myself to make a conscience effort to try to rebuild our relationship. I hope it works out.
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Jemsstar Reply:
June 22nd, 2010 at 3:35 pm
*I meant I called him Sunday.
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