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So He Doesn’t Trust You
On a quick serious note, I’m walking in the MS Walk this April for my mother who’s been living with Multiple Sclerosis for the past 15 years. I know I’ve made mention of her trials and tribulations lately and I wanted to reach out to my e-family to donate to the cause. I know times are tight, but anything you can contribute would help my mother and countless others living with MS get better medicine and even find a cure. Thank you in advance.
Now on with the show!
This Picture Was Taken Right Before She Threw That Rock Through His Car Window
Some would call it insecurity, others paranoia and others would just say it’s intuition. Some would just say it’s just plain ol’ trust issues. I don’t know. I’m no doctor. I just listen a lot. And from what I’ve heard from dudes, there are all types of reasons why they don’t fully trust the woman they’re with or just women in general. Yes even you, you angel. I know we don’t express our feelings much, so I figured I’d chip away at that community service I have to do from that thing I did that one time and put together a working list on why dudes don’t trust women. Like to hear it? Well here it go:
1.) Our Own Mommas Told Us Not to Trust Women
How are we supposed to trust you when the woman who birthed us told us not to trust any of y’all? She’s been here before me and she’s one of you. I’ll say that again, she’s one of you! That’s like the President of Bank of America tapping me on my shoulder and giving me the o_O face when I’m about to make a deposit at one of his branches. Would that make you feel comfortable? I. Think. Not.
2.) He’s Been That Guy
We all hear about a woman scorned because, well, they destroy worlds, hang up billboards in cities discussing your affairs or have full on interviews with GQ about you and your love child. And no, shorty didn’t look good in those pics. Dudes don’t explode, they implode. Or they kill someone. *cough cough, O.J.* We all give grief about women being the bag lady, but previous relationships can have a negative effect on the dude as well. It will mess a man up if he catches his good girl giving away what he thought was his good good. Ever wonder why no matter what you do, he just won’t drop his guard? Well there you go.
3.) He’s Been The Other Guy
Y’know if you’re down to have fun and made it abundantly clear to the dude you’re messing with that you’re sliding off, that’s one thing. It’s messed up, but that’s one thing. However, there’s nothing like having an “Ah-Ha” moment when the young lady you thought was single was only single for the night. It makes you look at people in a different light. For example, a young lady I was, uhh, “seeing” asked to “use my bathroom” only to call her long distance boyfriend and tell him that she was in the club with her girls. Word to the wise, the acoustics in bathrooms aren’t just great for when you’re singing.
4.) He Might Be Doing His Own Dirt
Hate to say it, but sometimes people are paranoid because, well, they’re sliding off themselves. There’s nothing like knowing how easy it is to slide off to warp your perception of your significant other’s actions. Some folks’ conscience will do it to them too. Others, eh, they could pipe another chick, toss her salad and go home to kiss their kids without a care in the world. I like to call those people the Charles Mansons of cheating.
5.) You Just Might Be Doing Some Shaky $h*t
I know, I know – you think everything is inevitably our fault. Yes, I’m sure he helped you climb on top of that other dude’s piece. Listen I hate to tell you, but you may just be a shady chick. Always “crashing at your girl’s place” after hitting the club? Dipping off to have phone conversations that you can’t have in front your man? Getting texts in the middle of the night? You don’t have to be David Caruso to figure out something isn’t quite right. Eff around and mess with the wrong dude and CSI: Whatever City will be using your story in their next episode. Cue dramatic one-liners, “Looks like she wanted her cake and ended up choking on it too.”
That’s most of what I’ve heard and all that I’m willing to share at the moment. What about you? My dudes, do you have anything to add to this list? Ladies, do you call bull—- when it comes to these reasons? Do you have your own apprehensions about men? Of course you do. Well, let’s talk about it folks.
Seattle – I Help Make You Laugh, You Help My Moms. Deal? – Washington
27 Responses to “So He Doesn’t Trust You”
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i have dealt with trust issues in my past and i would say for me it would be number 2 and 3. i’ve been that guy once before and i’ve been that other guy plenty of times. honestly i’d rather be number 3 than number 2. *shrug* being as how i’ve been that other guy plenty of times, i also believe in karma. i think the universe might have some get back for me and i just hope that it happens before i get married.
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#3 is key.
My mother always tells me, men suspect what they would do themselves in a similar situation. This is why sometimes I fall back on not trusting someone because i’m like maybe they not as grimy as I would be. But you right my dude, women do be on some shadiness, but a lot has to do with their lack of faith in men. We do dirt so they think, why shouldn’t we?
shoutout to the women who don’t.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 8:27 am
And to the men who don’t as well… *o_O @Seattle*
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Seattle Washington Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 5:34 pm
Want a hug?
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
March 24th, 2010 at 6:52 am
Oh nah. I was just trying to shout out the dudes. I think J needs one though…
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1 and 3.
I’m usually the other guy. I don’t distrust women because I have a pretty good understanding of them. That don’t mean I believe anything they say, because a lot of women are liars!
This doesn’t mean they doing dirt though.
IMHO, most girls are horrible liars anyway, any guy with G has a dozen stories of girls lying horribly. Some guys just mislead themselves.
A lot of guys are emotionally SOFT (let it echo), and very insecure. So when they get with a girl, one of three things might go down:
A) He might push her to do grimy shit by constantly being on her back and acting suspicious.
B) She sensing his softness is going to do grimy shit, like call 1-900-Mr-Jones, while he’s in the shower.
C) He’s going to make her break up with him.
After he’s going to call her foul names and write bad poems about the poor girl, when he should really check himself. Like you can’t blame the chef if you bought bad groceries.
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Interesting, especially since women are accused of not trusting men so often. I’ve met quite a few men with trust issues, however, they seem to want women to let our guards down. Doesn’t make much sense.
I’ve dealt with a non-trusting man in the past and I think it was because of # 4. As a matter of fact, whenever I meet a man who has serious trust issues, I immediately assume #4. So it makes me not trust him, however, I don’t act on it. I just have it lingering in the back of my mind.
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Interesting…and illuminating. I expected to see “Because he’s had his heart broken once and doesn’t want it to happen again” and “Because his father left him” among the reasons.
Those seem to be the reasons I hear about most often.
Then again, I usually hear about them from women using them to justify crappy behaviour so perhaps these are figments of womens’ imaginations….
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This is a different twist because we’re always reading how women don’t trust men; but it’s not surprising because of how some men act.
As a whole,I think we give “trust” to people before they’ve earned it. We automatically trust people we know nothing about and then act surprised when they do something to hurt us. If we reversed it and allowed the person to build trust–via their actions; then it would save both men and women some of the heartache we put ourselves through.
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 10:19 am
Totally co-sign.
Some of us are definitely caught out there and automatic grant ‘trust’ when really the person hasn’t done anything to earn it.
I’ve found myself being “The Other Guy” a few times and it hasn’t been by choice. I’ve seen some of the worst …SMH…As much as men lie, women lie as well. Which is why I tend to blow off women complaining about men cheating or lying.
Hasn’t been trustin’em as far as he can throw’em since 2002,
-BBW
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This post interests me because as much as we women dog on men for not seeing “how much of a great woman we are” and adding in our “you too good for that girl”…we seldom look at the other side of all that. I mean, sure he was attracted to you at first glance and your representative was amazing but men pick up on a lot of shit and in some instances are more intuitive than women are.
If you claim to be the woman who is self sufficient and independent but after a day of not talking you proceed to call down the phone that not only creates a mixed message in the brain, it sends triggers.. “can’t trust this b*tch triggers” which can be anything from “she got trust issues” to “she must think I’m that other dude” to “oh this is what the last chick used to do” etc etc……
From my observation it takes men a hellllll of a lot longer to heal from a painful relationship than it does for a woman.
Cause when that man “surrenders” himself its genuine and not reserved for every and any woman.
Bottom line it’s probably more beneficial to work out your own issues then stick around and try to figure out why someone don’t trust you.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:04 am
I’d go as far to say that people don’t value the trust someone puts into them as much as they should in general nowadays. When someone trusts me, I feel awful if I let them down or I lose their trust at all. Where as a lot of people, often women, will be like “Well, if you don’t trust me, that’s not my problem. Nothing I can do.”
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Shelia Goss Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 11:38 am
“Well, if you don’t trust me, that’s not my problem. Nothing I can do.”
Anytime a man or woman says that–it usually means they are doing something behind the other persons back. Maybe not a 100 percent accurate, but in most cases.
My last ex-boyfriend said similar words out of the blue one day; which of course raised a red flag.
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Chocolate Drop Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 1:54 pm
“Well, if you don’t trust me, that’s not my problem. Nothing I can do.”
and this is one of the reasons why i say most people are selfish pieces of sh*t. yea i will probably have a reason to write this under every topic…and yall will get sick of reading it soon enough lol.
so why shouldnt people have trust issues in a world full of people like this…
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Slim Jackson Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 3:01 pm
Most people are extremely selfish when it comes down to it. Quite sad. It’s a squirrel eat squirrel world out there.
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Black and Trapped in Toronto Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 5:03 pm
I agree with Sheila.
The person who utters that statement:
“Well, if you don’t trust me, that’s not my problem. Nothing I can do.”
is telling you nothing but the truth..as awful as it sounds.
They are letting you know that they dont give a f*ck about what you think and they are going to keep on doing what they are doing. They dont want your help and they dont want to stop irritating your ass.
Do you stick around to find out? Hope they apologize and spend more time with you, pick up your calls, stop hanging out with ray ray and booboo?
Thats a disrespectful ass comment to make..even in the heat of the moment.
In fact many of us (myself included) need to start paying attention to what ppl say in the “heat of the moment” because its pretty close to the truth.
So I stand by my comment in saying that working on your own issues is more benficial than sticking around to figure out someone else’s messss…that’ll turn you into Captain save a hoe quick (men and women can be capatin save a hoes thx)
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I counter your argument with: most of us women don’t trust you men either. What you call “shady” is just us not giving a damn anymore.
Personally, I get tired of wondering where my man is or what he’s doing. Judging by a past track record, he’s probably getting in to
someonesomething he shouldn’t. iJoke. Not really. But yeah…So I just withdraw. I do my own thing, make my own life, on the side. No, not with another dude or with a “2nd job” as a stripper, but just other projects or goals. And because I don’t share these things with my partner leads him to start feeling I’m sliding off? Because I don’t have as much free time? Not so much. Some men really are just paranoid, but I’m convinced it’s because they’re really scared. These men know how many times they have slid off, how artfully they have covered it up, and how Oscar – worthy their performance was once they came home to their girls. I think some men are just scared that they may have found someone with the same capabilities who can play same the game…
Not to add to anyone’s paranoia, I’m just saying!
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Ooh that last reply was pretty good. I agree with most if not all of what was said. Good job ildolcemore….now from what I can tell and have been told by several men is that they essentially don’t trust women period after their hearts have been broken ONCE. It is a wrap for any woman (friend, humph yeah I said friend or romantic interest) to gain trust of a man who has been cheated on. “I love my wife, but that doesn’t mean ill ever fully trust her….”. This was a guy friend’s response to my question: U won’t even trust your wife??? Even though she wasn’t the one that cheated on you years ago??….man I didn’t know what to say but WHAT?!! I couldn’t understand it. And I felt bad for wifey. I thought to myself, well this just sucks. Hopefully my man will trust me, it just, as I said already sucks that he probably never would fully do so due to some other woman’s past indiscretions. A man scorned is way worst than a woman scorned. Smh.
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Each of the reasons make good sense.
Now I have a little bit more perspective as to why I may not be completely trusted by a guy {at least right away}.
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WOW @ #1 that makes me think twice about all the times I have told that to my nephews, cousins and brothers. Damn…
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Seattle Washington Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:28 pm
Yeah, that comment goes a long way. Funny thing is, most dudes I know bring that reason up first. Lol.
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InsomniaPoet Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 4:07 pm
yea that is so unfortunate. i tell my male family members that b/c i don’t want them to get hurt but never really thought about it being a reason why guys i date can be so hard to break….
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I def donated my mother also has MS. She is blind and paralyzed from the waist down living in a nursing home so I understand what you are going through. Your in my prayers.
As far as the post…
4.) He Might Be Doing His Own Dirt
I found this to be the number one reason!! LOL They always accusing you because they know what they doing and they ass feel guilty! LOL smh
Another one has to do with the past. My last boyfriend loved that I was freaky with him but was upset that I had the experience! They can’t handle it if you have a active sexual past. So damn backwards! LOL
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I really enjoyed this article. I wish that you had gone further to tell me what to do about it. I am pretty much at my wits end as I have never cheated nor am I shady (he literally knows where I am and who I’m with at all times)but I don’t know what to do. Is my final conclusion that he has lady (mom, ex) issues or he’s cheating?
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And so the story goes.
Ok, when does the pity party end and truth and honesty prevail? Is it too much like right for men and women to just tell the damn truth? Be honest? RISK??
Life and Love are all about risks. Until men and women decide to be honest with themselves, love themselves, and JUMP, we will continue to have trust issues.
Seek professional help. Counseling. It works.
Love yourself!
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I’m the girl who isn’t trusted so I’ll take a crack at it from the other end… My guy goes wherever he wants all day while I’m at work but I can’t go anywhere. A few times he’s questioned whether or not I even have a job (nevermind that I work for a magazine and my name is printed right in the staff index of every issue). Lets also nevermind that we live together and I go stright to work and come straight home every day. I’m not doing anything, I’m totally faithful in every way. Yup, even though he’s acting like this I’ve remained morally grounded. But, come on… we all have past baggage but that doesnt mean we can abuse each other with suspicious tendancies… not if we want to stay together.
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