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Guest Post: The Curious Case of the Broken Woman
**Miss Jenkins note: My good people, as you read this, I am laid out on a beach somewhere, trying to get me a chocolaty Bruce Leroy-type glow. I’ll be back in the mix later this week. We have a guest writing today, and she’s new to the game. Show her some love and enjoy!**
You ever met a chick that acted like a dude? Not the “I’m just doin me,” “sexually liberated” female that Slim strongly dislikes but one who operated like a dude, emotionally? She won’t let anyone in. If someone gets too close or she finds that they’re tryna get past the scorpion-guarded, double-bolted, heavyweight-steeled lock guarding her heart, she’ll pull out of whatever they had goinz on as quickly as a dude tryna avoid a trip to Planned Parenthood not that that’s effective. The infamous, “It’s not you, it’s me” convo usually commences next. Sound familiar? Probably not, for there are only so few of us, but let’s talk about her anyway.
In thinking of the so-called status quo of the dating/relationship process, I think it’s safe to say that a lot is expected of the woman. We’re expected to express our feelings freely, tell the man specifically what we want from him, and, of course, initiate “The Talk.” Meanwhile, the man is expected to keep both his cool and emotions in check until “shorty” divulges her soul. Then, and only then, is it deemed acceptable for a guy to open up with his feelings. This accepted standard is some bitchassness, IMO. My guy once justified this to me by saying “…you women handle the first talk, and we’ll take care of the second.” o_O But what if the roles were reversed, and you, the man, are fallin’ hard (non-emo-cat style), but she still hasn’t alluded to anything more? As much as it’s assumed all women are itchin’ to be in a relationship, there are those who run from these expectations like the plague. This could be for a multitude of reasons, but for brevity’s sake, I’ll cover one possibility:
She’s Broken
Being hurt sucks. There’s really no way to sugarcoat that. In the physical sense, we are susceptible to injuries so substantial—yet, seemingly harmless—that upon infliction, the pain is numbing. That’s not to say that there isn’t damage done—we just can’t feel it, so naturally, we ignore it. Take Natasha Richardson, for example. (I hate to use this, but I think it conveys my point well.) A significant injury, to a very fragile place, went untreated because she didn’t feel a thing. This can certainly be applied to our feelings and emotions.
We are fragile beings, especially went it comes to our vulnerabilities. If one’s feelings/emotions are hurtfully impacted in the slightest, not only does the pain run deep, our ability to love is affected as well. While it’s expected of us womens to bounce back from the pain that some of you mens cause, that doesn’t always happen. Though women are arguably considered the more resilient of the bunch, some have a similar reaction to hurt and pain as men: They shut down, emotionally. So while we may think we’ve bounced back because we no longer feel the pain, we end up in a worse position—emotionally—than where we started. This, to such an extent, that not only can we not recognize love, we can’t feel it, and to that end, can’t give it. How can I let you love me, when I can’t—not to be confused with won’t—love you?
I know, to some of you, this may sound far-fetched. But I assure you, dear Three Ways fam, this woman is real. How do I know? Because at one point in my life, I was this woman. So what does everyone else think about this woman? Menfolk, have you ever met her? Ladies, have you seen her seen her? Have you been her? Do tell.
Free from the shackles of numbness since March 2009,
85 Responses to “Guest Post: The Curious Case of the Broken Woman”
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Yes, I was this chick. Emotionally battered, bruised, b*tchy with an eff the world and every XY chromosome in it attitude. From there I morphed into someone who was just tried and empty.
And the poor men who met me were just confused by the person I was. I just kind of went through the motions and kept my shields up. I expected the worst and when I suspected it was coming I cut and ran.
Finally, someone was determined enough to hang in while I healed up. The combination of re-training myself to trust and love mixed with his time and attention brought me back into the light. And though we did not work out, I’m forever grateful.
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 9:14 am
“The combination of re-training myself to trust and love mixed with his time and attention brought me back into the light.”
Wow, I was hoping someone would go in this direction. I’d say the most trying thing is being able to transition out of the broken state to…hmm…a more mended one. The question of how to get there is most difficult. I’m glad you found a way that worked for you.
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“As much as it’s assumed all women are itchin’ to be in a relationship, there are those who run from these expectations like the plague.” – Sounds like me.
I believe being able to love comes from being properly nurtured by your parents.
“Being hurt sucks” – It sure does, especially when the people that have hurt you the most are your parents. Even worse is when a parent calls their child dysfunctional never realizing that they created the environment for a dysfunctional relationship to develop.
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Fabulous post, Nyela.
I am this girl! I put up a front like nothing bothers me, I constantly play it cool. (Things really do bother me, but I live by “never let them see you sweat.”)
But when I finally do let a man in, I’m softer than Charmin.
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PYTJD Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Co-Sign.
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Ahhh…sheeit…this seems to be a recurring little theme in my life right now…
I’m past the “nigga what?” phase and into the “i’m gonna cut you” phase…and in the past week three different dudes have told me that it was hard to get to know me because I’m in a shell. So I was wondering…really wondering what got me to be this way…so I called him and he told me I’m a “guiding light” type & I do not show weakness or pain that I’m always, always, always looking strong and saying eff it and deep down inside he can see brokeness!
So what I’m trying to figure out is…how do n!ggas see the stuff and never ever stop be like let’s talk about this? It’s kinda confusing to me…it really really is…
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Smiley Face Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:50 am
“So what I’m trying to figure out is…how do n!ggas see the stuff and never ever stop be like let’s talk about this? ”
I understand what you’re saying but honestly though…why should they? Especially if they weren’t the ones who caused you to be this way…? Especially if they’re tired of ‘paying for some other mans mistake’. If you’re putting up this strong front constantly, why shouldn’t let you continue to be ‘strong’? They can’t be the change you want to happen…you have to want to change that part of you. If he chooses to be patient and work with you…good, but he can only run into a brick wall so many times before he gets tired of being bruised. You have to be willing to take the first step and ask for help.
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I think most women become “this” girl at some point. We are emotional creatures and from the very moment we realize what being emotional means as far as vulnerability, we go running for the hills. Usually we learn this right around the time our heart breaks for the first time. Honestly, it’s a lot like going to war with no armor on. Who does that? Unfortunately, that’s the only way you can be in a functioning and healthy relationship. Sucks.
I don’t know that I’m completely out of it, myself, BUT for me, step 1 was to completely feel all my emotions instead of bottling them up and sucking them back in as soon as they started to come out. The truth of it is, they do come out and it’s better if I control it than to not…
Good post…
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:41 am
“Honestly, it’s a lot like going to war with no armor on. Who does that? Unfortunately, that’s the only way you can be in a functioning and healthy relationship”
I agree!
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I’m still kinda there, to the point where I took myself out of the dating game altogether. I knew no relationship could work out while I carried around the attitude I had (have?) towards men.
Broken was just how I felt, the worst feeling I ever knew, worse than a broken heart.
Now Im feeling a bit more optimstic, having taken the time to think about what I want, need and deserve, and how I may have been an accomplice to some of my pain. At least now I’m ‘open’ to dating, whereas a while ago I got sick at the thought of it. Baby steps.
I still don’t feel like I’m back to sweet old me, but at least I can control the death glare…
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(I see no men have posted so I’ll be the first)
One of my ole heads in college told me something as a freshman that didnt hit home to til after I graduated. He said that we go to a school and are a part of a community that will spawn the leaders of the future of Black and Hispanic America. We shouldnt be breaking these women b/c to do so is to break our future also. That’s my $.02
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ASmith Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Bless the ole head who told you that and bless you for still remembering it.
Amen!
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Still Water hearts the Talented 10th Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Peyso, that is incredibly insightful, but this reminds me of a conversation I had with someone a few weeks ago. Most dudes who feel that way probably have a degree… a working car… and a salaried non-exempt job. Now pretend for a minute that upstanding men do not “break” their women; What about the other 90% of the population of Black Men that we women encounter on a daily basis. You ARE NOT an average dude(not a compliment, its a fact) .
If you do the math, the odds are against us.
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Amazing. I’ll be your e-boo, if idolce wont have you…lol
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:42 am
That’s great Peyso. I love it.
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Smiley Face Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:56 am
‘We shouldnt be breaking these women b/c to do so is to break our future also.”
So true. Some of these men out here are broken too…how do you get a broken man to heal…?
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Cheekie Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
“We shouldnt be breaking these women b/c to do so is to break our future also. That’s my $.02″
That $.02 can go a looooong way for some ninjas. Great advice, for real.
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i am so this girl. i’d actually been planning on blogging about it but you’ve articulated it far more clearly than i ever could. thanks!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Welcome to the commenting world! Word! I think this is the first time I’ve seen this name…
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max Reply:
October 5th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
and look at me now…just can’t stop myself from adding my two cents!
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Fabulous post Ms. Goodness!
I definitely think that this exact sentiment needs to be shouted from the rooftops. I agree with Nicki in that I never want anyone to see me sweat. I refuse am not desperate, so although I would like a relationship, I have been burned too many times to actively seek one. I too treat relationships like visible genital warts.
On the other hand, I have stopped waiting for someone “perfect” to come along and be patient with me while I figure through my demons. I have taken on another tactic altogether: I wear a fake wedding ring.
Now you think I am insane, but in my experience, it has been the only method that will effectively “kill a holla” without me being publicly cussed out (further adding to my brokenness).
It might have been the “Dude Who Wouldn’t Claim Me in Public” or the (3) “Dude I Dated So He Would Stop Dating 2520 Girls” (they can friggin have him!). Maybe it was the “Psycho with Baby Mama Drama”, or the stalker (Oui, there is a difference). Chances are it was the countless dudes who exclaimed “I love a woman with some meat on her bones” while licking their lips, rubbing their hands (or grabbing their crotch) and staring at my nether regions. In my mind, I would scream, “What’s wrong with me?!?!” But it wasn’t until the latest dude, that I realized I was projecting my insanity on the undeserving. I watched him crumble as I refused to dignify our relationship with my FB status. My excuse? I wasn’t ready for him to meet my Dad.
It wasn’t until then that I realized I needed to take myself out of the game until I can sort some things out. In the last few months, a lot of truth has risen to the surface.
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ASmith Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 9:46 am
I’m a HUGE supporter of time for self.
What I’ve been asking myself is at what point have I done all the self-reflecting I can do and I need to go practice what I’m talking
to myselfabout.Reply
Tatica Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:21 am
I think it may be one of those ‘you just know’ things, you just start seeing the world a little differently at some point.
Meeting my best friends’ boyfriend (now fiance) and seeing her so at peace and happy, might have been a catalyst for me because I know all the mess she’s been through and still she managed to let her walls down when the right one came along.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:54 am
“I wear a fake wedding ring. ”
I love it!!!!
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I think I’ve met multiple versions of this woman in my lifetime to varying degrees. I’ll be back with sumthin more in-depth later on. I realized I haven’t done any work since I got to the office.
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“cry me a river build a bridge and get over it”
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Erin Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
If it were easy for people to just “get over it” then there wouldn’t be a need for psychologists.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
I gotta support this statement Erin. I was thinking the same thing earlier when I read it.
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Still Water Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
oh… I was not dignifying the comment with a response…
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Erin Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Yea, I know. I couldn’t find where that statement was originally posted.
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Wow, I think this is the post I have most related to ever since I started reading this site. I was this woman even without scarring from previous relationships. I think this woman can come even from having to be strong for family drama/situations. I remember my first boyfriend in college spent about six months trying to break through my shell and finally gave me an ultimatum of “let me in, or let me go.” It was a harsh and rude awakening. But again, sometimes it takes someone who truly cares about you to keep chiseling away with patience to finally put a crack in that stone face.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Eh, after awhile you’ve got to help us knock down that wall Berlin. Reagan can’t do everything.
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Allyse2001 Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 11:00 am
That’s fair. But sometimes you just need to give a little hint about all the work you’re putting in to knock down the wall. Otherwise we’ll just keep plastering on bricks as you steady knock them down (that ultimatum sure did it, lol).
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:36 am
“I think this woman can come even from having to be strong for family drama/situations.”
You know what…I considered talking about that. This is a very good point. As someone who’s had her share of family drama and having to be “strong,” I can say that the foundation of the walls I built around my heart was made up more of family issues than man issues. Very good perspective.
What else can cause this besides the fam and man?
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Very insightful post Ms. Nyela. I would bet that most men have encountered such women especially while dating in their 20s. While I can in no way truly emphasize with women because I’m not one, I can offer the male perspective.
After awhile, chipping away to get to your heart is quite tiresome and counterproductive. Even the greatest Renaissance masters wouldn’t call that a labor of love. Furthermore, I’m not Michelangelo and I stopped doing sculptures after my freshman year Fine Art classes. I understand these women have been hurt, but so has everyone. And it seems to me, with the broken women I’ve met, that their choices after being hurt just cause them to get more messed up.
I would like someone to explain to me why I should pay for the mistakes, not of another man, but ones that these women have made to harm themselves further.
::No Women Were Harmed in the Writing of This Comment::
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Smiley Face Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:35 am
“And it seems to me, with the broken women I’ve met, that their choices after being hurt just cause them to get more messed up.”
Co-sign
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Tatica Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:35 am
I don’t think you should, and more people should take some time out and be by themselves to work through some off their issues. I never saw the sense in making a man pay penance for something he nothing to do with.
And maybe I’m just senstive about it having been on the other side of the equation as well.
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ASmith Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:47 am
more people should take some time out and be by themselves to work through some off their issues.
Co-sign. How can you learn from the mistakes of the last relationship if you’re jumping head first into the next one? That’s why I try to stay away from recently “divorced” people. Seems messy, to me and like asking for all kinds of trouble.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:57 am
I agree.. more women should allow themselves to heal before pursuing a relationship after a hurt… but since so many of them don’t, you guys sometimes get stuck trying to play demoliton men.
I think with men, it also takes a lot of patience and if she’s something you want, endurance. If she sees the real you, she’ll get over it fast.
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Streetz: The man of 1000 blogs Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Co sign 100% S Dubya!!!
We all have issues we all have shortcomings, its how we overcome them that defines us.
Based off past experiences I too am apprehensive and mold my interactions accordingly. What i dont do is make excuses for how I act, I express my beliefs and stick by them.
Im all for helping a woman overcome issues, but I cant deal with women who love playing the victim role. At what poitn do you look in the mirror and ask the tough questions? Men too!
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I too have been that heartbroken brawd but let me add its not always that alone that may make you seem distant or emotionally bankrupt it could be you just NOT feeling said guy on those levels.
Every dude that steps up doesn’t command
cupid to unload the clip…Love is rare period and Love is not something that can be manufactored or summoned up etc, it doesn’t work that…now as far as this post sometimes we are not as open as result of having your heart broken but thats not an easy thing and some say broken hearts last for years, it does change you but not always into something negative, sometimes you are in fact bigger, badder, faster and wetter for having gone thru. Pain is a catalyst for growth strength wisdom etc etc if you allow it to be.
You should however be very selective with whom you let get close to you, even if cupid does unload the clip, we might not be able to control who we love but we sure can control our actions!
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i’ve met this women on multiple occasions and i’ve been the one who tried to get her to open instead of the other way around. only after i stopped dealing with them did i realize that she was broken. i guess hindsight is 20/20 though. i’d rather she not open up than for us to be together then i realize that she’s broken and she blames me for the reason she is the way she is.
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OrangeStar616 Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:48 am
thats the better way allow yourself to heal and regenerate before even involving yourself with someone else…….but SMH some people cannot be alone, and that says something right there jump in and out of relationships, never taking moment to reflect etc……….
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ASmith Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I was having dinner with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. She was catching me up on her life, which included a new boyfriend. She said to me “I can’t ever be single again…” I bout choked on my sushi. I had to steer us clear of that conversation because I couldn’t with such ridiculousity.
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Tunde Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 11:15 am
if you were really her friend you would have told her how stupid that sounded. i wish one of my friends would tell me something like that. you came into this world alone. you will die alone. its not the end of the world if you’re by yourself.
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Still Water Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 11:31 am
I have a really good friend who though she won’t admit it, hates being alone. She refuses to leave one relationship unless she has another lined up. At first, I thought that she didn’t know how to be by herself, but maybe that is just who she is… Or maybe she just believes that by herself, life is awkward and boring. I don’t fault her though. It just another way to do things.
I dunno. I learned so much more about who I am in a relationship by examining who I am when I am single. Its only then when you can see how much you change yourself to accomodate the other individual.
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Smiley Face Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 11:53 am
I think we know the same person, lol!!!
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had to say Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
“you came into this world alone. you will die alone. its not the end of the world if you’re by yourself.”
OMG TUNDE, I grew up on this, my dad told me this when I was 4 years old and it is the doctrine I live my life by!
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Loves it!
I def. have a hard time letting folks in. And this was even before I had been hurt before. I think it has to do with me always being in other people’s business but liking my privacy. I only tell all to my closest friends. And even their version doesn’t top the journal.
My ex partially broke up with me because of my “shell.” He said I was unable to reciprocate what I expected in return; i.e. I wanted him to open up and tell me things, yet I never shared mine. Well tough titty said the kitty but the milk’s still good.
I’ve never been one for dating/relating anyway. Right now I’m taking a sabbatical from relationships and the like. It’s been about two years. The last person that hinted at a relationship got dropped like a bad habit. He’s prolly somewhere singing, “I coulda been in love by now if it wasn’t for Toni.”
I think that breakup helped push me over the brink of “I can’t be bothered land.” I can’t be bothered with investing so much time, effort and energy into something that might not work like a relationship. I’m a sensitive soul. I’m not a fan of crying days on end, listening to sad love songs, eating turtle tracks ice cream and asking my friends “why do i have to be me.” Therefore I don’t put myself in the situations to do such.
Bitter maybe. Broken no. Can’t be bothered yes. My parents are afraid I’m going to become a fish lady (I don’t do cats) or worse move back in with them. But there is hope. I think as I mature I’ll be more receptive to relationships.
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ASmith Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:46 am
I can’t be bothered with investing so much effort and energy into something that might not work like a relationship
I feel the same way sometimes and I’m trying to get over it…
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Tatica Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 10:56 am
That feeling that maybe all this “time, effort and energy” might be better served indulging myself and eff everybody else (for a little while at least) was probably the best phase…
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Erin Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I am a lot like you. I prefer to keep my personal affairs private. The more someone may know about you the more fuel they have if the friendship goes sour. I have been called nosey many times before. I just don’t like to be in the dark about things.
Like you, I have been told that I have a shell. One of the many reasons I don’t entertain being in a relationship is because I know I cannot give to another what I have never received, which is LOVE. Not only that, but I find it extremely hard to trust other people.
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Eh-I’m not sure what to say. Am I this woman? Probably, so (by most standards). I’ve been told I was intimidating on more than one occasion and I’m known for not having full-blown titled relationships.
In my past dating endeavors, I have tried to be very open, reasonable, and very laid back. I also try not to bring baggage from past relationships to the new one, I may tell him tidbits, but, I never divulge exactly what went down.
And I’m sorry, but, I’m saving the ALL like the ALL of me for the ONE. Call me old school, weird, or a romantic but, I’m not going to give every little detail and aspect just because we’re in a relationship and met each other’s parents. Don’t get me wrong that’s serious and validates the relationship, but, what truly makes a relationship a part of you, is when that man/woman is your husband/wife.
It will not be until I become someone’s wife, that he can have all of me.
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Toni Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 11:17 am
One time for the old school!
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Smiley Face Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 11:19 am
“what truly makes a relationship a part of you, is when that man/woman is your husband/wife.”
I disagree.
You know….my fiance’s friend is dating a woman that is everything you just said. They’ve been dating for about 3 years now and he wants to have a future with her BUT he feels like she is still one big mystery to him, he knows all the surface stuff but doesn’t feel like he knows her and fears if they do go the marriage route he never will know her and he can’t fathom having a wife he doesn’t know…it’s gotten to a point where he’s considering ending the relationship. True, there are things about marriage that will teach you about your spouse that dating won’t. Marriage is like college…you have to graduate high school before you’re admitted. You keep cruising through with C’s….*shrugs*
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I need more examples, you left it real open ended??
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 11:36 am
More examples of what, GrowUp? Just want to clarify so I know what approach to take when responding.
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Great post, Nyela Goodness!
I believe am the above woman you speak about. I’m also a contradiction of sorts. While I do want companionship, I make it pretty difficult to get into my heart. It’s a defense mechanism stemming from childhood. And while, it’s good to be careful, I acknowledge that I’m too careful and not as open to love as I should be.
It takes a helluva man to break down these walls (both figuratively and literally, I guess…lol) so, yeah, I would consider myself broken. It’s not like I don’t open up in regards to casual dating, but it’s hard for a ninja to cross that proverbial line with me. Or maybe it’s not hard for them to cross that line, it’s hard for me to cross it.
I’ve had ninjas say the ‘L’ word to me, only to be thrown the blank stare and blink in return. Or I’d do the “I love ya”, which don’t mean a dayum thing (see the film Somethin’s Gotta Give for this reference…lol). I do know; however, that even though I’ve never really been in love, I know that when I do, I’ll love hard. I can already tell by the way I care for my friends/family.
Simply put, I don’t like being vulnerable, but I like and yearn for the feeling of being comfortable enough to feel vulnerable with a man…if that makes any sense. It probably doesn’t…lol
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BlueFlame Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
“I do know; however, that even though I’ve never really been in love, I know that when I do, I’ll love hard. I can already tell by the way I care for my friends/family.”–Me too!
“Simply put, I don’t like being vulnerable, but I like and yearn for the feeling of being comfortable enough to feel vulnerable with a man…if that makes any sense. It probably doesn’t…lol”
I feel the EXACT same way…makes perfect sense to me! You don’t like feeling vulnerable because if that man wants to hurt you…he can…but at the same time you want to take comfort in knowing that you can be vulnerable and he will put you first no matter what…i have yet to experience that…but it’s what i want!
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Cheekie Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Thanks, BlueFlame, you expressed the jumbled thoughts goin’ on in this brain perfectly!
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Simply put, I don’t like being vulnerable, but I like and yearn for the feeling of being comfortable enough to feel vulnerable with a man…if that makes any sense. It probably doesn’t…lol
Makes perfectly good sense to me.
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Co-sign.
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Cheekie Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Thanks, ya’ll!
Now that I think about it, there’s a lot of women who feel this way. Of course you don’t want the negative aspects of feeling vulnerable, but it makes you feel great when you’re able to feel vulnerable with the right person.
It takes a lot for folks (like me) to let that wall down, in fact, a ninja would have to break down that wall…
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MaPockets Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I agree that makes purrrrfect sense
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Nyela- YES!
I am all of the above… Someone once told me that insanity is walking into the wall everytime, and at this point in my life, I feel like that is dating. Going through the same motions expecting a different outcome…why do we do this?! Enough with the scorned tirade….
I think a lot of the walla built around my heart are as a result of dealing with broken men, which leads me to believe that there are a lot more broken men out there than broken women. The only difference is the actions/mindset after one is broken…
Some men go out capturing souls of the unexpecting (hence creating more broken women), while women run men to date 2520s…
I’m praying for the day that I stop running into the wall, and I finally open the door to the right of me…
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I’m so glad so many of you can relate! A few of you mentioned broken men. I think that could be a great topic in and of itself, but for now, a question to the masses:
How does the recovery process from being “broken” differ among women and men? Is the process longer and/or more difficult for one more than the other?
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Cheekie Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Oooh, good question, Nyela. And probably a hard one to break down.
I’m gonna throw a theory out there that it would be harder for men to recover from being broken because it would take enough time for them to admit they’re that vulnerable in the first place. That’s the first step, as we all know.
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MaPockets Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
OMG, i think the recovery cycle is so different. In my experiences, dudes either end up telling you their heartbreak story over and over until you don’t wanna hear it anymore OR they tell you once, grab hold of you way too tight, and you eventually end up squeezing your way out of their grasp. My opinion is…leave the unhappy stories out. Tell the good ones. And then write some new tales. I think a dude’s recovery process is a lot longer, cause typically after heartbreak they revert back to the bachelor mentality, whereas girls tend to shut down and close up shop for awhile.
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“I can’t be bothered with investing so much effort and energy into something that might not work like a relationship.”
I have to disagree. I think it’s good to throw yourself out there. Nothing good comes easy. If it’s easy and it didn’t take work, and it doesn’t hurt at times, then it’s prolly not as good as you think. I think you’ve actually gotta invest and put energy into something before you ever find out whether it will actually work or not. I don’t believe in having regrets. No matter what an “a$$” somebody was to you, or how they hurt you, or even how they didn’t hurt you…in the end…what really matters is what you’ve learned from the situation and how you are able to apply it to yourself and make you a better person and move on.
I think a lot of times, we get so caught up that we forget we were born into this world by ourselves, and we’re prolly gonna be going out by ourselves too. So, if somebody affected you negatively in some way, and you’re now making that your reason for shutting the world out and not putting yourself out there, then that person has a lot more power over you than they probably should. In the end you’re hurting nobody but youself.
For me at least, it’s just best to take every situation for what it is, learn from it, and move on with that knowledge. It’ll only make you better in the end right?
Each person is independent of the other, and so is each relationship. What’s wrong with diving into one with fresh eyes and a wealth of knowledge (while being willing to put in the work)…i personally think it’s worth it.
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I am not this girl…but not quite the total opposite either. Before my first relationship ever began, I was on emotional lockdown. But this was only because my mother didn’t allow me to officially date until late in high school, and by then, I was just too busy to dabble. I suffered though because when it came time that I wanted to “try dating out,” I had no experience and no clue and was thus scared out of my mind. That doesn’t mean I didn’t often fantasize about experiencing a relationship though.
By the time I got to college, I was curious to see what having a boyfriend was all about, but I have never been the type to seek out a guy…letting them come to me just always seemed easier. So, then trots along long-term boyfriend #1 (LTB #1). And because I’m just the shiz/coolest thing since sliced bread/so loveable, it worked like a charm…until junior year, with the dramatic, heart-wrenching breakup. Then frolicked along long-term boyfriend prospect #2, who stuck around for almost two years before we made it official. That too was great…until that second dramatic, less heart-wrenching breakup. Then there were the psuedo-boos in between, and the partings of ways with those characters were even less heart-wrenching than the LTBs, yet less indefinite, as they just kinda stuck around like those little kids in the t-shirts that grab the loose balls at tennis tournaments.
Now, I think I’m at a point where I’m looking for something real and really, really wanting something realer than I’ve ever had; I’m just not looking very hard. I’ve put so much energy into my past relationships that I think I’m just sleepy at this point. It’s great reading about the broken chick…but if anything, I think I’m the tired chick…waiting for that knight and shining armor bearing No-Doze, Red Bull, and a double caramel macchiato with whip. I’m really not trying to waste any energy in a “thing” that isn’t going anywhere, not because I “just don’t have time” but because I don’t want to use up what I’ve got left – supplies are limited.
For that broken chick: pull. yourself. back. together. Luther and Gregory said it best: there’s nothing better than love. Two failed relationships (with their share of pain and even malice) haven’t stopped me from being open to that kind of love again. If anything, those experiences make me yearn for that burst of oxytocin even more. I just hope that next time it’s as nourishing as it is tasty.
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Berriblk Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Wow, my mom did the same thing. I do blame her partly for this foolishness. Now as I leave college she keeps slyly slipping in marriage and grand kids (She did the same thing to my older sister)….
Mind you, I have yet to have a semblance of a real relationship and things aren’t looking up.
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Like toni I have always been this way. My mother says I should have been born a boy (thanks mom). Its any form of relationship really. I have had a “best friend” or two stolen away from me by other more giirly girls. My family knows me too be the level headed non emotional one.
I haven’t even been a relationship to be hurt. I like to learn from the mistakes of others around me and I’m afraid I picked up some skepticism and bitterness along the way. A few other personal/cultural factors get in the way as well, its damn hard reconciling the two. [not to mention these relationship blogs aren't helping the situation]
Quite honestly I have yet to find a guy I would like to be with and the one who came close, time and space, never permitted our “happily ever after” so I wait.
Like Cheekie said I’m not great with vulnerability, but I would like to become comfortable enough with a man to get that way.
My idealism makes me a pessimist…if that makes any sense.
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Cheekie Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
“My idealism makes me a pessimist…if that makes any sense.”
Oooh, I like this phrase. I’m thinking this is me…
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Erin Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
I haven’t been in any relationships to be hurt either. Nearly all of the pain I feel comes from having an emotionally abusive mother.
Like you, I learn from the mistakes of others and I think it has left me skeptical as well as pessimistic. Pessimistic to the point where I don’t even acknowledge that someone wants to be in a relationship with me. Plus, those guys didn’t evoke any type of emotions in me.
I had a friend once tell me that men only date you until they can find something better. I can’t help but to feel that that may be true.
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So Peyso had some wise words. And sure they are words I live by NOW, that really wasn’t how I use to act. Or even how I expect my young gods to act.
Call me ignorant… I just don’t see what these guys are doing to “ruin” tomorrow’s mothers. B/c I lied to you? Cause I wanted some better headie poo? B/c I didn’t call you when I said I would? B/c I beat and didn’t stay to cuddle? GET OVER IT!
Heck, I have been ‘done dirty’ by a liar/cheater/manipulator… 4 yr relationship. I was over it in about half an hour. My remedy: enjoying life. Bitterness is a waste of my time.
As for the hurting that I have done. On behalf on all the men who have hurt any of you… STOP COMPLAINING, your mouth is probably what got you hurt to begin with. And to all those “I’m a unbreakable wall” girls, I feel sorry for you. How do you know joy if you never know pain. You will never love as well as a hurt woman. Trust me, you don’t want some fresh out the bag girlfreind, they are too clingy. There needs to be some apprehension… helps to create space and build trust.
The way I look at it, my dog actions did the next man a favor… God knows I left shawty with some new skills.
Can someone come to the defense of guys? ONCE! What are we doing that is Sooo bad?
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ASmith Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Firstly, Cheekz, you do speak truth, as usual.
I don’t think this is male bashing at all. I think it’s women admitting that a)Some of us take the “emotional precautions” too far and b)Maybe we shouldn’t.
Now, how we got to such places… yeah, that’s some dude’s (or girls… let’s not be exclusive) fault, partially at least, but I think all of us
mature adultscan admit we have a responsibility in getting our head back on straight.Anyone who thinks it’s a guy’s fault and so a guy has to fix it is in a world of t-rouble.
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MaPockets Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
I kinda agree with Cheekz, for the first time ever.
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LoudPen Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Well…you make a good point. But, it’s just not that simple. I mean like, yes the woman should get over it, but, for most of us it ain’t that simple. Women are emotional creatures and when most of us feel something we feel it all the way. So, most women can’t take it when they feel rejected or unwanted. They crawl up into a little ball and refuse to come out until someone (a man) convinces them to do otherwise.
Is it healthy? No, probably not. Is it done? Yes, all the time. So, I think it’s a bit presumptious to just say that women should just get over it. I mean like really, that’s real and that’s the truth, but, from the time that most women are born, they are to taught to nuture and care for others. So, if they decide to care for a man, it’s really hard for them to just let go when the relationship doesn’t work out.
Add to that, the fact that the man usually does some other shit to end the relationship. You simplified the break-ups with the man that promises to call and doesn’t, or the man that leaves his girl for better headie poo, or the man that doesn’t stay to cuddle. I’m sorry, but, those examples are just a little “He’s just that into you” for me. They were great, but, too simple. The women that I think are referred to in this post, are women who have put themselves out there, only to be treated like the scum on the bottom of someone’s shoe.
Here are examples of how guys treat women this way, the guy that gets another woman pregnant while with you, the guy that marries another woman a few months after y’all broke up, or the guy that talks to you soo slick that they need to put a slippery when wet sign around his neck. So, how are the women hurt by these men supposed to just let that go and get over it? It’s not that simple to us and it certainly takes longer than 30 minutes.
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Erin Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
I absolutely dislike it when people tell others to “get over it”. To do so is basically telling that person that their feelings and emotions are invalid and that they have no right to feel what they do.
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Cheekie Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
“And to all those “I’m a unbreakable wall” girls, I feel sorry for you. How do you know joy if you never know pain.”
Honey chile, the “unbreakable wall” was built due to pain in the first place. So, how do they “never know pain”?
And sorry, but you can’t put logic and rationality in emotions and matters of the heart; they don’t mix well. Sure it’s rational to get over an emotion in X amount of time, but in real life there is no set timeline to get over something. You got over a cheater you dated for 4 years in a half an hour? That’s great, e-boo, but one can argue that it means you didn’t care as much in the first place. Getting over something is easier said than done. Some people protect their hearts too much and this I can admit, but as much as I can admit it, I’m not gonna co-sign someone who trivializes my feelings as if they don’t matter by saying, “Just get over it!”. “Just get over it” is a nice saying in theory, but those who are more careful with their heart have another saying, “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me”.
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
…and let the church say ‘Amen.’
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CHeeKZ wonders where his dogs are at? Reply:
August 11th, 2009 at 9:36 am
SLOW UP boo….
that line about unbreakable girls was about those who haven’t been done wrong and still wanted to act like a turtle all their lives.
MaPockets.. I know you love me.
and I didn’t say don’t learn from the heartbreak (that is what I did for that half hour) but don’t OD and turn into a supervillian. Do feelings matter? Yeah, but I think certain people overrate them. They end up over analyzing a situation just to justify their feelings. And they really aren’t becoming better people, mothers, lovers, and wives thru this shelter phase. They are just becoming colder and self centered.
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This was a great post Nyela! Hit a little close to home for me and some of my main females. But being the tight-lipped ChokLit Ms I am (since when??), I will leave it at that. I also liked Peyso’s 2 cents
*Side note to 3Ways fam – The new Header is whats up, but me no likely the new font
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Wow. Great post Nyela. Though I don’t consider myself “broken” I have many of these qualities. And maybe because I’m not interested in being love. At least not right now. ::shrug::
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True indeed there are some foul men who woulda had me thinking “them two goin in!” then he gets Ms FreakaLeak from 215 pregnant and even the hardcore dudes are like “…damn”
But there are women who got into bogus filled, forced fed materialistic driven (not to be confused with the golddigger) relationships.
It seems todays couples don’t wanna struggle together. No we want ppl to be “league ready” when we date em. Well yall know who Michael Jordan is, did you know he lacked a jumpshot and his defense and desire were not all that in his first three yrs?
So he worked on it.
All he wanted to do was have a j to set up his dunks, and play D so ppl will stop questionin his desire.
He wound up retiring as Americas 2nd most sports figure of all time! It was the struggle that made him a legend. Yet too many young women won’t date date a man living in within his means, they chase what I call “pay check players”. It was only after gettin a job outta high school that these men really became players.
Foolishly some young chicks thinks his insecurity(buying things you know he don’t need but will impress a young ego centric girl) is a sign of growth, strength, stability and ability to provide. Yet she then cries foul when his boneheaded simp ways creep back in. The problem she can’t accept is she met him in the same manner that he is actin now. He didnt change, she played the fool and got played.
I have dated her.
When you get the backstory it didn’t sound like they was in love. He had a car, her such a New Yorker non having a driver license havin ass got convenient. Worst she tied her career aspirations in with this dude. That’s how IMO he got her prego, he gave intiall support to her career but I am sure when she tried to follow up he would probably break north in his whip. Or shut her up with the D, something I laugh at becuz I remember in the 80′s women were gonna flip the script now that sex aint such a taboo, how’s that workin out ladies?
My point is these two were not in love, I don’t even think they respected each other like that. She is pretty, smart, great body and works in the fashion biz, he was the smooth black grad student wit a ok job and yea the whip. She even admitted that before the baby my no car ownin (but I have my DL) ass wouldn’t have got a date, despit my film degree.
This chick got played not hurt he sounded like a simp before the baby and is one since he bounced on her, while I was dating her and hell yea I paid for his and her misguided attempt at a relationship. In the end they were cut buddies wit maybe, maybe an outside chance @ a relationship. But she is one of those, “I gotta have a man” and of course have his baby cuz she piks winners all day.I feel for her but not like that, can’t see how you get a woman pregnant and then just leave no concern for your kid even? However her lust and materialism got her to be just another single baby moms strugglin with her stroller @ the utica ave stop on the A train.
Btw it doesn’t help that she told me she’s a “serial dater” well now in her boat she will have nuff time to learn just who she is.
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