Ladies, Don’t Hit Men
Like most of you, I watched Rihanna’s interview on 20/20. I appreciated hearing her perspective on the situation after months of C. Breezy’s apologies, loud bow-tie-and-sweater combos, and his attempts to get back in America’s good graces. I can’t front, I like his new songs. I’m not really sure what I expected of the interview. I didn’t expect her to be so poised. I also didn’t expect her to share as much as she did. Then again, as the “victim” in the situation, it kinda made sense for her to tell that part of the story. I guess her team took notes from Chris’ Larry King interview and made sure she had answers locked and loaded. But I digress…
More than anything, I was struck by this statement:
Even if I hit him first, that makes it okay for him to do that to me?
At first I was like, true. But then I had to think about it. No, her hitting him first or whenever doesn’t justify dashboard beat downs, ear biting, and headlocks. However, it made me wonder how common this attitude is among women. Back when we were young, girls would slap boys like it was nothing. It was mostly playfully, but still a slap nonetheless. Once the boys hit puberty and started to get a lil muscular and tall, those types of love taps diminished. But you had a few ladies who carried the play-hitting through high school, college, and even into adult relationships.
Most of us are taught, “If someone hits you, you hit them back.” I don’t know about yall, but I still abide by that rule. Men, however, have a caveat: If a woman hits you, don’t hit her back and/or walk away. Which makes sense. Men are stronger than woman. But what about the situations when a woman may not be “abusing” her man in the way we traditionally think, but she constantly slaps, punches, or shoves him? I’ve seen it: a woman rolls up on her man, and slaps him in the back of his head for whatever reason or pushes him pretty hard in his chest. As a man, he is supposed to just take that, right? I dunno. But if he did that to her, he’d be wrong.
When Diane Sawyer presented the question to Rihanna, it kinda made me wonder if she did hit him too. Again, that doesn’t justify an ass-whoopin, but what if things happened differently? Imagine a situation like this:
A man and woman are having a very heated argument. The woman mushes the man in his head once out of anger. He tells her not to do it again, but in her anger, she hits him repeatedly.
What do we expect his reaction to be? None? Walk away? Try to restrain her? What about this situation:
A man and woman are having a very heated argument. The man mushes the woman in her head once out of anger. She tells him not to do it again, but in his anger, he hits her repeatedly.
I bet two very different pictures came to mind. Does one situation seem worse than the other? Why? In each, there are different aggressors, and also different expectations. Is the woman more right as an aggressor, just because she is a woman, and may not inflict as much physical pain and damage on the man? Would we expect her to walk away, or do we hope that she defends herself?
I presented these scenarios just to highlight the fact that violence in relationships does not always originate and rest with the man. Women abuse men, verbally and physically. People don’t really talk about it though, for reasons I’m sure we all can imagine.
What did yall think about Rihanna’s interview? How do you we expect men to react in situations of violence involving women? Is it more acceptable for a woman to hit a man? Why don’t people talk about women hitting or verbally abusing men? Speak on it.
Women should only put their hands on men in soft and sexy ways,
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I’m definitely not going to watch the Rihanna interview. I don’t agree with any of it… This entire time I’ve been saying she provoked him and it seems evident from her interview that she likely did either hit or provoke him.
I have always been taught (from my father and later friends in high school and college) that a woman should NEVER hit a man. Past that she should never step up to a man like she’s about to hit him, etc. To me, it’s a basic respect issue.
Furthermore, because I do not always take the good advice given to me, I am aware of what happens when a woman is verbally/physically/mentally abusive to a man. They usually walk away and women being women usually follow them and keep yapping (likely getting more and more insulting)… At some point in time I think even the most level headed man is going to retaliate whether he calls you a b!tch or slaps you across the face. You can’t think that there’ll be no negative results.
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it’s funny you pointed out that part in the interview, because It caught my attention when I watched the 20/20 interview as well. But regardless of what happened, it still doesn’t excuse what he did. Even if it was a case where he felt he had to “subdue” her, he could have accomplished that with one hit, but with the multiple abrasions and bite marks she had, it seems to me that he just went completely off and used her as a punching bag.
But I agree with your post. I used to think it was okay if a woman hit a man simply because a man is supposed to be able to handle it, but now I believe that no one should put their hands on anybody. My mom has always taught me and my brothers that if someone has to put their hands on you then you shouldn’t want to be a with a woman/man like that anyway. If Rihanna was indeed abusive towards Chris as well, then he should have left her behind.
I do believe it comes off as more heinous when a man is abusive versus a woman, but besides men having more physical strength, I think it also has to do with the fact that men are embarrassed to report domestic violence and call the police. I think if more men were wiling to report or call the police when their girlfriend or wife starts wilding out, then society would realize that having a violent nature doesn’t look good on anybody, regardless of gender.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
“I think it also has to do with the fact that men are embarrassed to report domestic violence and call the police. I think if more men were wiling to report or call the police when their girlfriend or wife starts wilding out”
Co-sign.
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I’m glad you brought this up, maybe I’m wrong, but I’ve thought since this whole Rihanna/Chris thing came up, that it was a FIGHT that Chris won…Now I agree, he is not justified in the @$$ whopping he administered… but I have a younger brother too.
My mama taught me if some1 puts their hands on you, you put your hands back on them in such way they won’t ever do it again. My sister and I have both, we’ll call it “love tapped” the b/s out our exs at one pt or another. I usually stop when I see the jaw bone move when they swallow. (And if need b I quickly found a way to atone.)
I’m also a strong believer in don’t pick fights you can’t win, and quit while you’re ahead.
I’m not saying Rihanna started, or forced this. I am saying lots of women abuse the double standard of being able to hit a man and getting away w/ it because we’re the “weaker” sex. BACK TO MY BROTHER:
Let him get his @$$ kicked by a chick!!!…
No, seriously. I’d whup him (if I could reach him he’s 6′ 0″, I’m 4′ 11″) if he ever beat a woman, but he does have the right to defend himself. Self-preservation is a human instinct…BACK TO CHRIS:
So, IF while Chris was driving RihRih acted out in such a way that could’ve caused an accident, he had the right to SUBDUE her…not whup her @$$
Keep in mind, ‘Don’t start no $!!!, won’t be no $!!!’ especially since crazy ppl don’t tell u they’re crazy, they just show you…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 4:53 am
“No, seriously. I’d whup him (if I could reach him he’s 6? 0?, I’m 4? 11?) if he ever beat a woman, but he does have the right to defend himself. Self-preservation is a human instinct…”
True, but my brother is 6’3″, about 245lbs…I don’t want him defending himself. I told him, if a chick ever puts her hands on him, leave the house, drive away to come get me and I will eff her up on sight. That way he won’t have to deal with the stigma, and she’ll get a good ol’ fashioned woman-to-woman beat down that she will make her think twice next time…
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ASmith Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 8:45 am
I don’t fight, but…
I’ve assured my male friends that if they ever encounter a chick who hits/beats them — they need to take that L and I’ll find one of the hood females I keep around to take care of it…
In a seriously heinous situation, I could get angry enough to do it myself.
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SouthernCharm Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:25 am
@ Miss Jenkins,
That’s actually a good idea.
Ladies: Guy hits you. Call your brothers, cousins, and ‘em
Fellas: Girl hits you… avoid the stigma and call your sisters, female cousins and ‘em
Some guys will let their pride/ego get in the way though.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:40 am
But I bet they’ll be aight when they see home girl needs an ice pack and some gauge though…
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LouiseKay Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
@ Miss Jenkins,
That is very true…I would prefer for him to get my sister or I etc to handle that kind of situation. Yet, I also know how heated these situations can become. So I just think its better if we (females) don’t rest on being female to get us out trouble, we MAY start.(Despite how this sounds, I’m not a fighter, I think I might have been in one fight in my life.) Over-all, I would just prefer if ppl kept their hands to themselves…I know I have a history of being a violator of this preference, albeit always in playful situation.
Something else abt the Chris/Rihanna situation that’s got me curious. They say Chris grew up seeing his mom be abused, and we all know how often victims/witnesses of abuse either grow up to abuse or be abuse, no one seems to investigating what treatment children (Boys & Girls) should receive once mom (or dad) leaves the bad situation. Or what signs can be caught early on to avoid such happenings. To me, everyone (even Oprah) seems more interested in poor victim vs. evil man and the sensationalism of them being celebrities. They were kids once, like a lot of kids now, with screwy childhoods.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Exactly. I was surprised to learn that she too grew up in an abusive home. It kinda put some things in perspective.
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I purposely skipped the interview. I dont know or assume to know the entire story. I make no assumptions about who or what caused anything. I dont believe either of their interviews would have helped me gained any extra perspective.
He shouldnt have beat her like that.
In answer to your question, when a woman hits a man, its viewed as though he deserved it or as comical. If nothing else, hopefully this incident influences people to seriously address the issue of domestic violence as opposed to just taking sides over their favorite star.
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Man oh Man! I know I am gonna probably get a lot of slack for this one, but I don’t care. From day one, I have thought that not only was it a fight between Rihanna & Chris but this also wasn’t the first fight between them. I used to see a lot of cases of domestic violence and no one beats you like that the first time around. Still while I am almost 100% sure that he was provoked, I do think he went a little overboard with the beatdown. But I cannot lie, I do not feel that he should be in as much trouble as he is in. Of course I saw the interview because I am currently in Barbados and they played it repeatedly & put articles in the paper about it and I still didn’t feel all that bad for her. The worst part of her situation is that she is a celebrity and her beat down pics were all over the place for the world to see.
To the point at hand, I know a man is never supposed to hit a woman but I cannot say I honestly believe this. I was taught as a woman you should never hit a man unless you are ready to be hit like a man. That is it that is all. It is silly to think that you can slap somebody around and they won’t eventually slap you back. Not to mention, what makes men any different from women? Women who are constantly abused end up on Snapped with people feeling sorry for them, what about a man who is in the same position? If Rihanna was constantly verbally and physically abusive towards him in the past, how do we know he didn’t just snap that day and bust her up?
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:41 am
I dunno why, but I was rolling as I read this.
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The thing that kills me about all of this is that all these
ignorantpeople that claim “she deserved it…she shouldn’t have hit him…” would change their story if the same situation happened to their sister, daughter, cousin, friend, or even themselves.Rhianna shouldn’t have hit him, but that is still NO excuse for him to beat her down like that. Now if he’d hit her maybe once or twice AFTER she hit him, then that’d be different. He didn’t have bruises and whatnot on his face….so she couldn’t have hit him that hard. And if she did, then he should have pressed his own charges.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 8:08 am
“Now if he’d hit her maybe once or twice AFTER she hit him, then that’d be different.”
This is a risky game here, because what’s to say that one or two hits can’t do crazy damage? We approach a slippery slope when we start saying, “well, if she hit him x times, he is within his right to hit her y times.” Strength, closed versus open hand, speed, and all that come into play which can completely change things.
Plus, we never saw pictures of him from that night. I don’t even know if I’ve seen a mug shoot (not saying its not out there). In theory, as nicely as her wounds have healed, he could have been mad jacked up too.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 9:24 am
co-sign.
If Chris was hit first, he was the victim in my eyes. No matter how over the top his reaction was. People need to know, you hit someone first, you might die. So keep your hands to yourself.
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SingleSassySweet Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Wow, die though? lol
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Yes Die!
What do you think happens when people fight?! This aint Rocky Ninja. If you don’t think you can win, don’t fight.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
“Bomb First” – Tupac
lol
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LouiseKay Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
“People need to know, you hit someone first, you might die. So keep your hands to yourself.”
EXACTLY!
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SingleSassySweet Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Very true….that does get testy.
We haven’t seen pictures of his injuries. If he had any, he should have pressed charges as well.
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Streetztalk Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:26 am
cosign with Cheekz
My mom tells my sisters all the time; “If you go out there and hit ANYONE, dont be surprised if they hit you back. You dont want to be hit, keep your hands to yourself”
Ive been provoked many times. in grade school a chick was wailin on me and I defended myself, but didnt swing back. Dudes clowned me, but I knew it was wrong. ive been provoked in relationships too and its hard for dudes when women have that “i can do whatever I want and the minute he retaliates its his fault” mentality
Ladies, you know yall will carry on and try to illicit a reaction from a man you love. Women abhor a man who reacts with no emotion to a situation in which she deems “important”. Ive had a woman verbally abuse me, to the point that I walked away and she FOLLWED ME!
‘Why you not sayin nothing? What you want to hit me? Go ahead?!” **poking prodding and following**
What do you expect to happen when you don’t let a man walk away and catch his breath? I didn’t touch her, but I felt guilty that i wanted to deliver sweet chin music and do the DX crotch chop at her afterwards, because I don’t hit women.
I think women in those situations, who won’t let a man calm down and follows consistently, are looking for trouble. As women you have to also recognize a mans threshold for insults and abuse, and you can’t assume that he WONT hit you or that its OK to abuse because you shouldn’t be hit.
Thoughts?
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:45 am
I concur. If for nothing else, how stupid does a woman look following behind anyone who is clearly trying to keep it together and not buss her upside the head. Anger is nothing to play with. Throw salt on that with the insults, the slaps, the pushing, and you are not making it easy for someone not to jump on it.
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ASmith Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I agree — I’ve been guilty.
I didn’t hit him, but I was in his face and he was trying to walk away and I wouldn’t let him. I told him if he wanted to hit me he just needed to do it (hey, we do and say stupid things when we’re young/angry/in lovust(love + lust)). I can honestly say I wasn’t trying to bait him into something, I just wanted the argument to happen the way I wanted it to happen. Very selfish.
He didn’t hit me, he didn’t leave. He sat down… and then I had nothing to say because, I had made it about making him stay, about having that control and once he gave it to me, ironically, I was powerless and speechless.
That wasn’t the first time I had done something like that, though. The time before, he moved me to and on the bed and walked out. I’m bullheaded sometimes and our “arguing” styles were different. I wanna talk about it NOW and he wanted to just drop it and walk away… that was a breakdown in communication we had and we both let our inexperience/youth affect how we handled it.
To be fair, I used to do similar things to my mother. She, like him, doesn’t want to talk about it, so I would get in her face. She laid me out every time (and no, I didn’t learn ’til she literally almost choked me to death)
Women do provoke men sometimes. That doesn’t mean a man has a right to hit you but women do provoke men and not every man (or person) has the skill set to deal with that provocation. So it goes back to what Joey said — we just need to learn/teach others how to do better.
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Rihanna wasn’t telling the whole story. I believe she’s saving it incase she needs it, but she won over the 2520s so we know what that means… her next album is gonna explode as all the pre-teens/tweens/young teens’ parents are confident that her music is ok for their kids. Uh-huh. Her people are GOOD though and Chris needs to see if any of ‘em are willing to jump ship cause his PR people are horrible. I could do a better job and I have no background in PR.
We were taught “if someone hits you, hit them back” because we were ALSO taught “keep your hands to your self.” A person in violation of the latter rule needs to be taught via the former rule (or so goes the logic when dealing with kids…) It is, in our society, more acceptable for a woman to hit a man but it’s unfortunate that some women think that means they get to just go around slapping dudes.
I can’t think up a situation where Rihanna deserved what she got. More generally speaking, though, women shouldn’t provoke men. I think it gets murky in these waters because our society has too great a tendency to want to find doubt in issues of abuse against women and so to give women tips on how to keep their man from beating the sh*t out of them (which isn’t what’s happening here) is sorta awkward, but also seems to be the response in these situations.
I would venture to say that very rarely, if at all, do men beat the sweet Jesus out of a woman cause he got tired of her hitting him. What causes a man to beat a woman typically has very little to do with the woman, so while we shouldn’t hit men it’s probably the ones of us who don’t who get beat anyway.
Ultimately, we all need to quit laying our hands on other people to make a point. Use your words, as one of my high school teachers would say.
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N.I.A. loves the kids... Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 9:08 am
I would venture to say that very rarely, if at all, do men beat the sweet Jesus out of a woman cause he got tired of her hitting him. What causes a man to beat a woman typically has very little to do with the woman, so while we shouldn’t hit men it’s probably the ones of us who don’t who get beat anyway.
Exactly THIS!!! Thank you!
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Peyso Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:09 am
I agree. I like to add the caveat that there are few times where you get two violent people in a relationship. I think Chris and Rihanna were like Ike & Tina. I think they just whipped on each other. I’d argue that less than half of domestic violence cases (mutually violent) are like this. Most are by eff’d up dudes who have issues. I think many people realize that those cases are an issue and there are a number of institutions and programs in place to fix that issue. However, the hooplah around women who beat men is that it doesnt get much light and that SOME of the aforementioned cases (mutually violent/man on woman) actually begin in this way.
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I was always told that if a woman hits you she should be prepared to be hit. I haven’t hit a woman since the 4th grade but Lord knows women will push you to your limit. You CAN’T walk away, that just makes them angrier. Women don’t want you to concede defeat they want to win. If she hits you and you walk away she’ll follow you and just hit you when your back is turned. I had an ex who was abusive and whenever we’d argue she’d be yelling and screaming at me and I’d be calm trying to talk rationally. Being careful to not say anything that I’d regret. I guess she took this to mean that I was a b**ch because she got progressively more violent. There was nothing I could do to make her stop, walking away was pouring gasoline on the flames. Eventually I had to forcibly restrain her, to show her that if she really WANTED to be hit, I could whoop her ass. Fortunately, I’m a gentleman and wouldn’t cross that line. But again i state, walking away is impossible. If you do it has to be a dead sprint to an already cranked car with a getaway route planned.
But the simple solution is “keep your hands to yourself” that goes for both genders
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Wow. Thanks for bringing this perspective. I will never really understand why women like to push men to such points. Glad you kept your head. And left that woman.
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I can only speak for my experience with domestic violence (most indirectly) but to put blame on the woman is just so ignorant. Its like someone side swiping you, then you get out the car and shoot them. Its basic common sense and adults should be able to have reasonable judgement and reactions in angry situations.
I watched the interview and my feelings is Rihanna danced around the question, she never admitted to hitting him first but later admitted to trying to “push him off with her feet” (high heeled clad feet). She said they were driving, so even if she did hit him first. How hard would she hit the person behind the wheel. God bless anyone with the stupid mentality of “she made him do it”. He could have killed her and then what would we say??? Would he be able to plead self defense for a smack? Thats where the real issue lies, men are so much stronger than women and being hit with so much force could do some real damage. It really saddens me to see anyone blame the woman on the receiveing end of chokeholds, punches and bites.
One of my best friends in college was in an abusive relationship, it started with hitting with his hands, graduated to obejects like baseball bat and brooms, until one night he had her locked in his room with a razor blade threatening to kill her. She was blessed to make it out alive and a few of us girls had to sit her down and convince her to change her number and break ties. I still remember my grandmother being physically abused by my step-grandfather growing up, matter of fact I’ve known way to many woman who have experiences violence in relationships.
Even in the examples from above a woman yelling and screaming at a man should not result in him hitting her, its seems like a over reaction to me, what real threat does a yelling woman hold. A man yelling and screaming at a woman could be a real threat in her mind, add to that, that this man may be bigger and taller than her, clearly the woman would be the victim. I can’t see a reasonable man being threatened unless she has a weapon.
Because of things I saw growing up, to this day when I date I seriously consider weather I think he is likely to become violent in the future. I’ve just seem too many friends ignore the warning signs. Rihanna touched on the fact that the relationship had become somewhat of an obsession. Ive been in situations where men become way to possesive way too soon, I would never stick around to see what happens with time. Also, I would never walk up to a man and hit him, but i’ve been in situations where a guy has backed me into a wall / slammed me into a wall, or shook me and in some of those cases, I did hit back/shoved back in an attempt to get away, I may even had hit first in 1 scenario but always because of a percieved threat, not because I thought I was bad and was going to whoop his ass. But when it comes down to it, I would never want to give a man with weak morals an excuse to beat me down the way Chris did with Rihanna. You never know how unstable a man is, what his morals are, or if her has a history of violence. I was around Rihanna’s age during that foolishness, no man is worth it at this point in my life.
Just to make it clear, Im not supporting a woman hitting a man. If either party becomes violent towards the other, its time to call it quits, even if its just a slap. I would bet good money that things will not get better. I totally support that we should have a zero tolerance policy for relationship violence.
I just don’t think most people “get it”. Domestic violence is not about some loud chick slapping up a dude and him hitting her as a reaction, there are men who live by the thought of beating his woman to keep her inline, afraid, subordinate.
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I am usually just a lurker but I am home sick from work and actually have time to post and I felt the need to make a small clarification.
It seems that most of the people who are commenting did not watch the interview, I did. She first said that SHE DID NOT HIT CHRIS BROWN then she said “Even if I did hit him does that justify what he has done?” My answer to that question is “No” that does not justify him beating her down.
I agree with the point of your post Miss Jenkins. Adults should not be putting their hands on other adults regardless of the gender of either party. Adults, beat your bay-bay kids, they need it. It keeps them from growing up into the teens and young adults who have the attitude that no one can tell them anything. Kids, fight your siblings it keeps your little sis or bro from being a punk b!tch when they are outside of the house. Adults, keep your hands to yourself your criminal record becomes permanent once you hit 18. When you feel that it is okay for you put your hands on another adult, one or both of you will wind up in jail where there is a bigger and more brolic man or woman waiting to put their hands all over your booooody.
Peace and blessings
P.S. Calling it a hot toddy is the perfect excuse to start drinking at 9 am.
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ASmith Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 9:35 am
I saw the interview.
I think, like others, she lied when she said she didn’t hit him and I think she withheld plenty of information. Both things are her perogative, but even still…
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First, I have a question for everyone… other than hit, what does it mean to provoke? Yelling, screaming, calling his mama a bitch, talking back? some of the previous comments mention that Rihanna hit or provoked him into beating the shyt out of her. In the interview, I don’t remember her saying she hit him, but I do remember her saying she kept pushing him about the text message. Is talking about a text some other chick sent your man enough to provoke a man into beating you? So ladies, please describe this provocation for me. Thanks.
I think part of the problem is that women and men actually believe men are not and cannot be emotional and irrational creatures(according to a few, these traits are strictly assigned to women) and that if a man abuses a woman, it’s b/c she provoked him and not b/c he has a problem. o_O smh… And it is disheartening to hear some women seek ways to excuse or explain why a man beats a woman.
Personally, I believe everyone should keep their hands to themselves. Period. However, it’s been my experience that some men feel they have the right to touch a woman in a physically or sexually aggressive manner. This has been my experience.
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Peyso Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Your comment shows one line of thinking that is part of the problem. However, it is also part of the problem. Your comment disregards the prospect that an human, full of human imperfections and emotions, can be provoked to do something irrational.
Yes there are times where a man simply feels that it is his right to beat or touch a woman inappropriately and in those instances, that man is completely in the wrong. However, these instance do not discredit or make impossible the instances where a normally non-abusive man is provoked by a woman into violence.
I think your comment shows something that we are all guilty of. We are all guilty of trying to easily, clearly and succinctly attempting to put the situations, ideas and people that we encountered into neat boxes that make them more palpable and easy to process and understand.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Co-sign.
Peyso hit the nail on the head.
Oprah and Ellen are too quick to put Chris Brown into the “abusive man” category. When in fact he COULD just be a man who lost his temper one time. Certain men have a reason why they made that mistake, certain ones don’t think they are making a mistake… there is a huge difference.
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Smiley Face Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:34 am
I agree.
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N.I.A. loves the kids... Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:48 am
However, these instance do not discredit or make impossible the instances where a normally non-abusive man is provoked by a woman into violence.
I agree with this, and I will add that there are instances where a women is provoked by a man into violence….
My biggest issue about physical and sexual violence towards women is the almost automatic urge to say the man was provoked. The unfortunate nature of this is that anything can provoke a man into violence toward a woman or another man. So, why are people so inclined to jump to that conclusion from the beginning? I’m not just talking RiRi and Chris Brown. I work with teens and women at the YWCA, who have been through and currently in abusive situations. And many of them believe that they themselves caused it by merely not doing what he told her, talking back, bugging him, etc, which isn’t too hard to believe since so many around them agree with that sentiment.
I guess my problem is that I believe the only reason to hit or use force against anyone is in self-defense or defending someone who cannot defend themselves. So, all of this talk about Chris being provoked by something other than hitting, doesn’t sit well with me.
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Peyso Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Another thing I want to add to yours and my comment is that because he was provoked, doesnt mean it was ok to hit someone. I provoked to smack every teen that I see on the train when they are screaming at 7 am but I dont. I make an earnest attempt to temper justice with mercy.
Chris Rock said it best when he said “You know what they say, “There’s no reason to ever hit a woman.” Shit! There’s a reason to hit everybody. You just don’t do it. Shit, there’s a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don’t do it. Ain’t nobody above an ass-whooping.”
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and1grad Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:37 am
@Peyso,
I completely agree.
HOWEVER, the excessive amount to which he beat her/they fought/whatever seems to exceed that of a situation where someone just blacked out and hit someone else. To beat someone like THAT, while in a car, suggests some kind of familiarity to me. Not just on his side either. I cant help but think that MOST women if hit, even once, would IMMEDIATELY stop and get the fuck out. Fighting back? No…there’s something REALLY wrong with that relationship. Because of that, Chris & Rihanna MIGHT be among that outlier of violent relationships.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:45 am
I’m sorry. But that is a huge assumption.
We can’t say he did it before just b/c he did it real well this time. That is a reach that makes Chris look like more of an animal. Despite what people are saying, you can lose your temper one time and learn from it. Its like women’s rights groups want men to be repeat offenders b/c it furthers their cause.
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The Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Back Like Your Herpes Outbreak Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Not necessarily that he’s hit women before, but perhaps he grew up around a man that beat women and that registers w/ him as normal. Rihanna’s from the West Indies, so seeing a woman gettin her ass cut on a normal basis might have been something she was exposed to as well.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:54 am
He did. Breezy’s mom used to get handled by his step father.
There’s some stat that those who witness domestic violence are more prone to do it in their own relationships.
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and1grad Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:49 am
We’re ALL making assumptions b/c we have so little actual facts.
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Peyso Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Lets not make any assumptions and say a collective I dont know
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:23 am
“but I do remember her saying she kept pushing him about the text message. Is talking about a text some other chick sent your man enough to provoke a man into beating you? So ladies, please describe this provocation for me. Thanks.”
To answer your question, Rihanna was saying that she kept coming at his neck about the text message and the truth and all that. I can only imagine how heated that “conversation” was…and I can also imagine how she could have been talking with her hands and waving the phone around demanding answers and what not.
Thats the provocation I think she was referring to, not that text itself sparked the beat down…
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What recourse do men have to address the abuse that they suffer from females? By no means am I stating that a man should put his hands on a female but I don’t believe female should place thier hands of males either. It seems to me that if a man were to state he was abuse by a female he will be called a b*tch and told to take it. I don’t think that fair.
My cousin met me on my porch last night and asked if could stay with me because his gf thought it was alright to hit him yet again. He has a knock the size of Texas and he had leave his house because the police asked him to. She don’t a bill at his house so why he asked to leave?
I am an advocate for any female in an abusive relationship to get out but are any real advocates for men in abusive relationships? Sorry for the long comments, I just a little upset right now.
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N.I.A. loves the kids... Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 9:55 am
First, why is that heffa beating him and still allowed to live in his house? He should have her evicted. Go to court, do the paperwork, and if she doesn’t leave, he can have the cops come escort her out. I think this would be his best approach for him to avoid catching a case behind this crazy broad.
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ladycakes Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:35 am
She has a kid, no job and her mother doesn’t want her at her home so he’s trying to be a nice guy. I told him he would be better for him to get custody and then he wouldn’t feel guilty about kicking her raggedy ass out.
I think I’m more upset by the fact that he has a knock the size of Texas at the back of his head and she wasn’t arrested. If he would have breathed in her direction I probably would have been bailing him instead of taking him to the emergency room.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
He better not stay there then because things could get worse for him i.e. her continuing to be act out.
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the thing is, Diane didn’t really come out and ask her; she just showed some stupid youtube vid. I was waiting for Diane to give it to her tough like she’s known to do. I don’t think they wanted a direct answer out of Rihanna, and if they demanded it, I’m not sure we wouldve gotten it anyway… There have been several alleged accounts of them being violent to each other. I’m just hoping we don’t have to hear about this ish anymore. I’m over it. I hope they both are in counseling and move on with their lives. I did get the feeling that she wants to be with him, but realizes she can’t because we (see: media, public) don’t want her to be with him. Which is why you couldn’t pay me to live my life in the public eye like that.
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My momma said one thing about the interview: “If a woman wants to act like a man, she should get treated like a man…”
I agree.
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Smiley Face Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:33 am
What is acting like a man…?
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The Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Back Like Your Herpes Outbreak Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Putting your hands on a man. (Pause.)
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N.I.A. loves the kids... Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:55 am
What if he provokes you?
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Peyso Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Do the same thing a man should do if he’s provoked…
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:08 am
If Brock Lesner provokes me into a fight, I’m still an idiot to step to him….
so why would you let someone who can kill you without a struggle provoke you?
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N.I.A. loves the kids... Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:15 am
why would a man, who could kill without a struggle, let a woman provoke him? Why did CB, who obviously can beat the hell outta Rihanna, let her provoke him? Is he not an idiot for thinking he wouldn’t catch a case? **Or did he think it wouldn’t be that big a deal b/c he had done it before?
**The last sentence is all conjecture and assumption for sake of argument…
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The Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Back Like Your Herpes Outbreak Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Sometimes you can’t help but be provoked.
For example, yours truly was mindin his biz watchin the superbowl this past year. With two minutes left in the game, the banshee of a broad I was “dating” at the time ran up in my crib, demanded that I talk her, asked me why that bitch she don’t like is in my house (despite the fact that she was clear across the room damn near sittin on my homeboy’s lap) then proceeded to stomp up and down my house, turn off then unplug the my TV, and curse everyone out in the house. I put her out only for her to return five minutes later, pop some mo shit, and then check my chin. (I got a good chin tho). Now even the ladies would agree that on a Superbowl Sunday, YOU would have wanted to whup her ass. Kinda sounds like the same scenario as C. Breezy, correct? You know the difference between me and Chris Brown (besides our bank accounts)? I blaze herb. I finally got her out my house and roll a FAT ONE.
Legalize it.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:25 am
In what ways does a man “provoke” a woman into hitting him?
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N.I.A. loves the kids... Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Physical/sexual intimidation, threats of violence, ass grabbing, unwanted touching, etc. Now, to some, these things aren’t that big a deal, and to most women, they wouldn’t be provoked to anger if a man grabs her ass in the club, she hits his had away, then he grabs it again and calls her a bitch. To some females, that’s not enough provocation. To other women, it’s just enough to make her want to act violently toward that man. And then to others, lying, cheating, giving her an STD might be enough to pick up the closest blunt object in the house.
The point is, we, men and women, can all be provoked to anger. However, the anger only seems justified if the woman provokes the man, while a man provoking a woman doesn’t even seem plausible to some people. smh…
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Peyso Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Nothing is plausible to some people and everything is plausible to others.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
So if a man gets an STD from a women.. he is provoked into beating her equally?
If a man is cheated on (which according to yall happens more often) than he was provoked?
If a man is blocked from walking away (I think the social = to grabbing an ass) he is provoked?
P.S. Is a$$ grabbing really that bad?! In Jr High school, didn’t some of yall like it?
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ASmith Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I HATE when some unknown dude grabs my ass. That’s irritating as hell, but some girls like that.
I say when a girl slaps your hand… try another way, just in case. She needs to learn how to say “yes” when that’s what she means, anyway.
I liked having my a$$ grabbed in Jr. High about as much as I liked it when boys popped my bra strap. Not.at.all. But again, some females did.
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N.I.A. loves the kids... Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
It depends on the person. Different things provoke different people. That’s the point. Some people have shorter fuses than others. And this applies to men AND women.
Personally, I never like the a$$ grab in Jr. High. And when I was in Jr. High, it was known that N.I.A. would bust your head to the white meat if you touched her inapproriately. Not just touching, but the fact that the boys and men(smh) believed they were well within their right to do so. It was the one thing that could provoke me to anger. And still is, though I have learned to try and chill out, some things still take me to the point where I want to bust heads. But since I’m now smaller than most men my age, I choose not to act on those provocations. People wouldn’t see that I was provoked, they would only see that I hit him first…
@ASmith
I hated that bra strap popping nonsense with a passion…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Co-sign.
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Streetztalk Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:29 am
cosizzle
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i really hate the fact that some women think it’s ok to put their hands on a man. i’ve personally seen a woman put their hands on a man repeatedly and when the man tries to defend himself the woman calls the police. guess what happened after that, yep the man went to jail.
i’ve had an ex put her hands on me. i didn’t retaliate but she didn’t know what i could have done because i had already been drinking. needless to say that was our last night in a realtionship.
in the case of rihanna and chris if he did hit her then chris is also the victim. he didn’t have to go od and do what he did but society will always side with the woman in this type of scenario. its just the way it is.
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Getting dvr this week! finally stepping into 2005 lmao…
So I missed the interview, but will find it on the internet when I have some time. Long story short, I think men and women really underestimate the strength disparity between the sexes. Yeah, we as women wanna be equal and all that, but man-strength is real, and there is no equal physical fight
unless maybe you’re Laila Ali. I don’t think a man should ever hit a woman, and I don’t provoke men by hitting them. Eventhough I may be stronger than the typical female, I am not going to play myself…We all need to keep our hands to ourselves, especially with close relationships. If you love that person, how can you give them such a beating?
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Not many ppl will admit this, but I used to abuse my ex. At the time, it seemed normal. A little shove or smack if he pissed me off. Talking down to him and telling him he’s worthless if an argument got heated. Belittling him. I’m not proud of it.
I had just gotten out of an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship that ended when he got physical, and I think subconsciously, it had become the norm for me (and I had a lot of shit in me I hadn’t dealt with yet). It was a mistake to go right into another relationship. It was a mistake altogether, every choice I made during that time.
All this to say, I empathize with Rihanna, being a young woman and in a situation where she didn’t know how to defend herself. I’m not talking about that one incident, but when a man is violent to you, as a woman, you can either take it, leave him, or retaliate (against him or someone else). Its not right, and I pray for forgiveness and have asked the guy I abused for forgiveness over and over again. But if ur never put in that situation, its easy to point fingers and say she deserved what she got.
I thank God my ex didn’t give me what I deserved. That he understood where I was coming from, and that partly it wasn’t my fault (though mostly it was). I’m glad because if he had punched me, bit me, threatened me, or kicked me, I’d probably be in jail for murder, and my life wouldn’t be what it is today. Yes, I should have known better. But I didn’t. My parents fought all my life and my mom hit my father in front of us I dunno how many times and he just walked away. All I knew was abuse as a way of expressing love, and then I had been abused myself.
So as always my ultimate point, lets not cast too many stones or point out specks in each others eyes without knowing the whole situation. For anyone to hit anyone is wrong, that we can agree on. Anything else is just speculation.
Just teach ur kids the right way (by showing them in ur own relationships) and stop this cycle.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Joey, you never cease to amaze me with your honesty. Definitely appreciate you being honest about your story and sharing it with us.
Even when experiences cause us pain (or inflict pain on others), it still an opportunity to look back and see the wrong you or someone else has done, learn from it, and move forward to be better.
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ASmith Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Powerful testament to what happens in such a situation. You’re right — we just need to teach ourselves, each other and our kids (or folks younger than us) how to handle it better than that. We should be proactive — “don’t do things to get in those situations” rather than reactive “don’t hit her if she hits you” or “don’t hit him.”
I’m more apt to break my back trying to “give” to a person rather than just say “I love you” (even when that’s how I feel). I’ll never forget my mom saying that her father never told her he loved her (or her siblings). “He worked hard to provide for us, and that was how he showed love…” she said — it made SO much other stuff make sense. She’s better at it than he was and I’m better at it than she was, but it has helped me to be aware of where things like that come from. I can pinpoint the things I do that I should work at (like saying “I love you” more).
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I believe violence is wrong in general, but had I honestly deserved it, I wouldn’t look at my SO differently if he gave me a little slap that I COULD take responsibility for. But there is something terribly off-putting about a man in a woman’s life hitting her with such force that she feels shame, feels as though she doesn’t know him, and/or feels completely helpless.
I have never [not by a parent nor anyone else] had someone put their hands on me, not a slap, not a mush, etc. Naturally, I don’t expect anyone to touch me. On the flipside, my older brother is a great guy but can be extremely violent so growing up, I learned that even though you think you give no reason for people to physically abuse you, people have limits. (“So what, that doesn’t give him/her the right to hit me”) FOR MY OWN SAFETY I’d rather put my pride aside and never overstep his boundaries i.e. provoke him. I truly believe it is the provocation that people (especially women) think they are entitled to. If you don’t know how to respect someone’s limits, or if you are incapable of humbly asking for your limits to be respected, then you will provoke, you will be provoked and you most likely will get slapped. Again, by people who do not know any better. If someone’s limits means they will beat the shit out of you, then make the smart choice of either underlining & respecting them or saying f*ck that and leaving.
Chris definitely did too much to Rihanna’s face; if I were her, I’d ask myself “could I have ever expected this from him?” “Was I being too provocative?” etc. Asking these questions has nothing to do with the justification of his crime, it’s more so that she should realize her part as the propellant, her mentality of invincibility, and whether it’s safe to approach people like that. She has no obligation to reveal to us what she did to cause the fight, but to avoid blindly using the same tactics on another man and get rocked [again], it’s the simple & smart thing to do.
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*Not taking CB or Rihanna’s side, just trying to offer some perspective*
Anger is a monster. It’s a demon all of its own. Taming it, mastering it and controlling it are very difficult. Especially at their ages.
I know what it’s like to be provoked, to be verbally scoffed at and to blow up as a result. The stress that comes along with it is monstrous. I have a significant fuse, but one I hit my point I go on a tirade. When I was younger I would black out, go at a dude and wake up with my friends pulling me off him.
With the fairer sex, I’ve been known to take a lot of verbal screaming and yelling and then hitting a point when I lay all my cards out on the table. Verbally. Nonetheless it’s not worth yelling, after effects and consequences. I’ve conceded that I can’t be with a woman that immediately resorts to yelling.
Ladies, please understand that when a man says that he really needs to walk away or that he needs a second that he’s not being a dick. He may just need a second to gather himself.
You wouldn’t follow a recovering alcoholic with a shot of whiskey would you? You wouldn’t poke a bear repeatedly with a stick right? Give men the same respect.
It’s a work in progress, after all there’s a fine line between suppressing and overreacting. I hope both parties can sort it all out and grow from it all.
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I am actually going out on a limb and say society and the judicial system (as well a police response) is letting men down. If women want to be treated as equal than violence toward men needs to be taken seriously. Honestly, I have never had a women in my life that hasn’t raised her hand to me when she couldn’t come up with anything to say (ie she was wrong and felt stupid). And when the issue of hands being raised is brought up it is laughed at… I was told that my complaints are the results of being a selfish only child who didn’t know how to share his space. But when CHeeKZ loses his temper and calls someone a b!otch, everyone’s momma gets called and I need counselling.
I wish people didn’t know me here so I could tell you about all the times we have tried to walk away and women USE THE FACT THAT WE CAN’T TOUCH THEM and stand infront of the door. How many women have scratched up my boys whip? Cut my ninja’s across with chest with a meat cleaver? Swung at ME wildly when I tried to seperate them? And my boys never raise a finger. There is no stigma in society for women who hit men. However men are taught from birth, even when they are of equal strength, no never hit a women. If we would have instead put the same emphasis on never hitting a person, everybody could be safe.
And what is this myth that women can’t do damage to a man? Look Wolverine take off the press-on nails than we can talk.
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Smiley Face Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
I know for a fact woman can do just as much damage to a man as he can to her. My aunt used to beat the devil out of her husband for anything , go after him with a cutlash or cannery pot or just plain fists calling him everything from sassa hassa (little bit of man), dirty dougla trash and would cuss HOT all the while he’s standing trying to not hit her back. You think being a man means a lot in the states, try it in the Caribbean. Being an abused male not only gets swept under the rug, the rug gets burned.
Women need to recognize that they cannot lay hands either.
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The Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Back Like Your Herpes Outbreak Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
My dad had a co-worker that got hands put on him by his wife and he ended calling the Jakes and she spent the weekend in jail. Him and his friends clowned him to no end.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Rightfully so. Unless homegirl breaks out the kitchenware and starts slicing and dicing like she’s Billy Mays in an infomercial (RIP), there’s no need to involve the cops. Even then, I’d rather just leave.
I know those officers at the station had jokes for days when they brought her in.
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Reecie Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
This is why things are the way they are. If more women were getting arrested, or if cops didn’t have the inclination to just “arrest the man” I think a lot of these assaults would stop. or better yet we’d have a clearer picture of how many women batterers there really are. I know I’d have the stupid face on for sure if I had to spend a weekend in jail–and what if you have children?! it shows them that mommy and daddy have to suffer equal consequences. No need for jokes on that at all.
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Smiley Face Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Exactly!
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“Women should only put their hands on men in soft and sexy ways,”
Heehee. Word.
I agree with the overall sentiment that women abuse men and furthermore, abuse the leniency they have when it comes to said abuse.
I have to ask, though. While I do understand the “if women want to be equal, then they should be treated equal all the time, not just when it benefits them”, I have to ask, isn’t the mentality that we’re the “more fragile” of both genders something that mainly men have perpetuated? I mean, for those who feel we’re the “softer side” of the human species, isn’t there some truth to the idea that a man is a punk if he hits a woman?
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As seen in my comments on other posts, let it be known, that if any being or entity, man, woman or other, makes me feel that my life is in jeopardy I will do all in my power to eliminate you. If that means slam a chick with a garbage can b/c she has mutliple pieces of cutlery I will do so, if that means, gun butting the dude around the way and getting one on in on his gf too, I will do so.
I much rather be judged by 8 than carried by 6.
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I have thought about this same situation many times before.
Honestly, I’m glad a woman wrote this post. Because if a guy did, he would have been crucified. Its sometimes sad, but I guess the nature of the beast.
Men shouldn’t beat women … but women shouldn’t hit men either … and I still can’t figure out why so many women forget the second half of that statement.
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Mina Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
I think some women get a kick out of the commotion. Until they make it commonplace and carry it with them from relationship to relationship. Idk, I don’t think any two domestic violence [or violence in general] situations are the same. Like I said in my post, I think the safest way to act (on both sides) is avoiding provocation and respecting limits. If these boundaries make one feel like the relationships is oppressive then one should do one’s best to end it.
Once the first hit is made, it’s too late to work on the problem; instead, the social stigma, the hatred, resentment and pointing of fingers become primary. That is the not the ideal time to work on the issue because safety and trust alike are no longer felt. Very unhealthy and ineffective.
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ASmith Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
I wondered what difference it would’ve made if Slim, RCLS, or Seattle wrote this post instead…
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I don’t think anyone should put their hands on anyone except their children or children for whom they are caring. Beyond that, if a woman hits a man, I would hope he’s able to restrain her or walk away. However, if she’s hitting him repeatedly- I’m not gonna say he should smack her-but I’m not going to act as if I wouldn’t hit back. Moreover, I’m not dealing w/Chris Brown & Rihanna cause if she was as battered as she wants to appear, she would’ve shown signs, because we all know there are signs.
I’m glad that people are dialoguing about domestic violence now, but hopefully we will be able to see the difference between domestic violence, provocation, and self-defense.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
co-sign
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I’m trying to read all the comments, but it’s hard to catch up.
I wrote a blog post as a guest here on 3 Ways a few months ago in which I was with a male friend that was provoked by a woman and he proceeded to hit her a few times. People commented heavily that he had every right to put his hands on her. (I still disagree that I should have stepped in. We wasn’t cool like THAT)….
Either way, I don’t have a dog in this fight (heh), I wasn’t there so I can’t say what really happened.
But people say “what if it was your daughter, sister, mother, etc” but rarely have I heard “What if it was your son, father, brother….”
Because if it were my son I’d have told him “if she puts her hands on you and you can’t be ‘the bigger man’ well don’t let the girl kill you before you get a lick in”
One of my friends made an interesting comment. One time he was arguing with his girlfriend. He kept walking away. She followed him and threw things at him and then picked up the phone to call the police. She told them he beat her and she needed help. He said for about 10 seconds he considered punching her because he knew he was about to go to jail no matter what, and he might as well have gone for a good reason. That’s a crappy position to be in.
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Ive said for a while that RiRi provoked him. Everyone is saying that this wasn’t the first time they had fought, but the most abusive. I say a man generally doesn’t kick off in yo tail that badly for no reason.
Now, I’m not saying he shoulda ponned her fo’head in such a fashion, cause he was all the way wrong; I do however agree with what many of the posts above have stated, that women abuse the double standard. I have a homeboy who’s girl would literally kick, scratch, punch and slap him on the reg, but because he was 6’7 and she was 5’3, he knew if the cops were called he was going to jail, no matter what. And she knew it too. That’s the foolishness that I CAN’T stand. You don’t put cha hands on me, I don’t put my hands on you (unless its in, and I quote, “soft and sexy ways.”
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I have a son and a daughter and I tell my kids not to put their hands on anyone out of anger, period. And I will tell them both that if you do, expect to get hit back, emphasized especially for my daughter. I think too many women think it’s ok or cute to hit a man and expect not to get hit back. Not saying men should hit back, but she shouldn’t put herself in that situation to begin with.
If the other person is the aggressor, I tell my son to do his best to restrain the woman, but that’s not the green light to hit her like he’d hit a dude. Grabbing her or even pushing her away (but not across the room or into something) is appropriate….just to stop/de-escalate the situation. I don’t expect him to sit there passively & let some girl wail on him, but he also needs to realize his own strength and the damage it can do. Now, I will tell my daughter that if a man hits her, she has license to defend herself in the way we are taught in martial arts….avoid, block & counter, not beat his ass unless its an extreme situation where she needs to incapacitate him to get away. My daughter will be a black belt in tae kwon do, hapkido and kung fu by the time she’s 14, so she’ll know how to handle herself appropriately with the right amount of force (we learn both physical AND mental discipline, but I feel sorry for any man who tries to eff with her ). In both instances the goal is to protect themselves and get out of the situation, not retaliate, but males and females can’t respond in the same manner due mainly to the strength differential that naturally exists between men and women. Grown men and women shouldn’t fight like kids do, but learning the proper way to handle themselves and others starts as kids. My daughter will get in trouble if she hits her older brother, but he gets in even MORE trouble for hitting her back. You just don’t want to set that dangerous precedent.
Bottom like it’s about respect. Don’t disrespect others and don’t let others disrespect you. There are other ways to deal with anger.
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Fellas…what about a full nelson…as a way of avoiding putting hands on a woman? I’m sure yall all know what a full nelson is…put your woman in that if need be. You’re not hurting her, you get to laugh b/c she will just look silly in a full nelson, AND while she struggles, you can kinda grind on her booty a lil bit. Trifecta.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
” AND while she struggles, you can kinda grind on her booty a lil bit”
so we have gone from misdemeanor assault, to felony rape.
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I really don’t think that because some people are feeling that Rihanna provoked him DOES NOT means they are saying she deserved it or it is an excuse for anything. Hurting your partner is bad in any case, regardless if it requires police intervention or not. Women DO NOT provoke your men! We all can read… So let’s not pretend we don’t know what “provoking” means. Yes, a man can be provoked without you provoking him. If someone’s provoked, doesn’t mean you provoked them regardless of how they react. Yes, she probably wanted
and did“provoke” him but she maybe was trying to “provoke” him into revealing the he was lying. Who knows… It has nothing to do with that he shouldn’t hit you, it’s about respect and damn common sense. I hate the fact that the abusive double standard is ABUSED by women. Wtf is that about? And the first thing people say is that “Well, it shouldn’t matter…” Well it does and it doesn’t… If it matters if you are trying to play mind games, then it matters if you’re trying to anger me… Maybe it’s a just an extreme reaction to women being treated like 2nd class citizens in society so people let it slide. But damn… When did it ever become a tool for manipulation???? Women will play mind games and test you and attempt to yield some reaction from you for various selfish reasons. But at what point does a woman decide that it’ll be a ‘good idea’ to try to provoke her man? Like why would such a concept existent in the minds of people who have NOT witnessed their parents abusing each other. That kills me more (Yes, we know CB witnessed abuse as a child… I’m not referring to him)… You know what I think it is… I think abuse happens long before feelingsor bodiesare hurt. I think abuse starts in the mind on the intention of the person. The person may not be like: ‘Oh. Let me abuse this person I love’ But they see some avenue of control. In the case of women, reassurance and even simple understanding of your SO’s feelings can yield abusive actions/words. The relationship isn’t the obsession, it’s idea that one has a need to know or found out something and that is something men and women are guilty of. Yes… I know that someone women here may have been victimsor witnessed a love one abused. And I know it’ll bring back some feelings and you feel connected to Rhianna in some twisted way even though you don’t know the story, so you try to project what you experienced on her and CB’s situation. That’s great and all, and we all are glad you have emotions and memories, but what about the causes for such male/female handy work? I mean, really… What situations have YOU consciously chose to say or do something stupid to “see what he’ll say/do”?Let me end with this: Everybody… If you are ever not sure if you should do something the might piss your boo off, ask yourself these two questions: “Will (s)he thank me for doing this to him/her?” and “What is my real intent here?”
Sorry if I’m sounding heartless… It’s only Monday and I already have something for Eff ‘em friday… crazy…
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Peyso Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Everyone does not understand the difference between empathy and sympathy
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I saw the interview and thought wow someone wrote her a good script and gave her some excellent coaching. It just didn’t ring true. She was emotionless. I think she hit him which explains why he ‘snapped’. It doesn’t excuse what he did but it explains it. She said there was no soul in his eyes. She kept doing something to him and he blacked out on her ass. Also did anyone notice that she couldn’t look Diane Sawyer in the eye? Now according to Judge Judy that usually spells LIE or at the very least an embellishment. Her makeup was sick though
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I think the only sort of “provoking” that may even half way warrant a physical response is a physical attack. I don’t give a crap how mad you are or how hurt your feelings are….YOU DON’T PUT YOUR HANDS ON PEOPLE! Period! My ex husband hit me once and did permanent damage to my hearing. Yes, I did something that made him angry, but a 300 lb man hitting me was NOT justified period, but so many people waved it off, all but saying I deserved it…only people who came to my defense were my friends. I may have deserved a lot of things, but not that. He could have dealt wit his anger in other ways, cuz lawd knows I’ve been mad enough to do all kinds of physical harm to him and never did.
Control yourselves. Damn.
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Peyso Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I would agree with you but your comment takes much for granted. Let it be known that I DO NOT disagree with your individual situation because you’re the only one who experienced what happened to you; only you know the particulars. Only you and your maker can determined what you deserved in the lot that life dealt you.
Your comment assumes that provocation is an isolated incident and that there are venues to deal with such provocation. However, provocation CAN take place over years. Do you mean to tell me that years of repeated verbal abuse cannot make up for one physcial altercation and drive a person to violence? I think psychologists would argue differently. I doubt that this was the case w/ CBreezy nor is this the case with a large majority of abusers, however, I am 100% positive that there are more men who are like this than we think.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
“I think the only sort of “provoking” that may even half way warrant a physical response is a physical attack”
We can agree on that… but since you are Anonymous, what exactly did you do that would have people defend your ex?
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a woman should never hit a man unless he hits her first. or unless there is some kinda crazy, kinky S/M type stuff going on.
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Whoops! That last Anon comment was me (hit submit too quick)
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No one should lay their hands on another person, male or female. That said, if a “lady” wants to be treated like a “lady” she should act like one. If you want to act like a man, then be prepared to be treated like one. JMHO.
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It is funny they were discussing this, this morning on Power 105 it is definitely something we need to start instilling from a young age that women should not hit men as well as men not hitting women I even saw it in my family the little girls would hit the boys and when the boys would hit them back they would get punished women are taught that men are stronger and that they shouldn’t put their hands on you because of that but no one ever thought that girls would be using that to their advantage.
Fact is we as humans need to respect each others space and bodies. I personally feel that if you feel that you are strong and bold enough to hit a man be prepared to be hit back like a man would hit another man.
How is that for equal.
~Afreekah
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Hmm… ok well honestly I don’t think women should constantly be slapping, punching, or otherwise physically assaulting their men and expect nothing to happen but a man can address this issue without having to send her to the hospital with a broken jaw and bloody eye. And let’s be real… the dynamics of abuse aren’t as simple as getting into little arguments and hitting each other. How bout when your man comes home, sees the house isn’t clean, says nothing, and at 2am you wake up with his hands wrapped around your throat and he’s choking you… yeah, very different (&& yes that scenario was based on true events but not one that happened to me personally).
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http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshh043v1rCtb03xIUpt
done
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