Why Don’t You Have Any Female Friends?
In the last month or so, I have noticed some comments on different posts that have referenced women with male friends. It seems that this a hot button issue amongst our good readers here at Three Ways, so I’m bringing it to yall live and direct.
Just to put things in context, here are some of the comments:
From Men:
“Females with NO friends is not where its at. Social skills [are] a must…”
“As a man, I also take issue with females using the “hating” issue to make excuses and comments like, “This is why I don’t get along with females, get along better with men, etc.” That’s some bull. And it’s a turnoff to men when we hear this from y’all.”
“You don’t get along with females b/c you have a bad attitude and men are more reasonable.”
From Women:
“I’ve never been one to think it was cool to broadcast that you, as a female, can’t keep female friends.”
“I mean, there is a difference if you grew up in a household full of dudes (brothers, cousins, etc.) and you are more familiar with a certain lifestyle…but who walks around proclaiming [that you don't get along with women]? You’re not cool.”
“I never understand girls who don’t get along well with other females and even want to bash females for simply being females and doing feminine stuff. Just embrace yourself. If you’re a woman who can’t stand females and female actions, then there’s something about yourself that you’re just not comfortable with…correct that!”
As a woman with strong friendships with men and women, I know that there are very distinct things that I appreciate about both. However, that doesn’t mean I value one over the other. For example, when I want to complain about my cramps or talk about my experience with Mr. Give D. Goodness, I can’t talk go to my man-friend about that. He’s gonna look at me crazy and walk out of the room. When it comes to matters of the heart, back when I had those, I can go to both my man and woman-friends about it. It just depends on what I want to hear. Women sometimes offer judgment advice that isn’t always warranted or welcome. But men sometimes can’t co-sign how I feel, so I just get **cricket chirp chirp** on the other end. From men, I get the male perspective I couldn’t understand on my own; from women, I get the comfort of knowing that its not just me, and the some ideas about how I can move forward. Either way, I know that both have my best interest at heart.
Is there something wrong with a woman not having any close friendships with other women?
Sometimes, there is an assumption that a woman who values friendships with men does not value relationships with woman. And this may be the case with some women. “I don’t get along with females like that.” “Nah, I don’t have any female friends.” o_O. Granted, this could be due to a number of reasons. But at the end of the day, would we not look at a man side-ways who had no male friends? Yes boo-boo, you need to have other women in your life. I get that there are things that may not always be desirable about women at all times, but guess what? You probably express those same traits at some point or another. Get over yourself. With that said, if I’m not in the mood to talk about men or relationships or gossip or whatever else we women love to talk about, I may not call Keisha up to chill tonight. I may call up Seattle or Slim instead. Does that mean I value my friendship with Keisha any less? Of course not.
Those are just my few cents on the topic. It seems like people see the woman who shuns women as friends as hating or denyng parts of who she is. Do you agree? Do you have close friendships with men and women? What do you think about women who can’t keep other women in their friendship circle? Women, would you be less likely to warm up to her? Fellas, is she less wife-able? Why? Share your perspective.
I love you girl, but I’m going to watch the game at his house cuz you ask too many questions,
88 Responses to “Why Don’t You Have Any Female Friends?”
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Great post Ms. Jenkins!
I have several female friends whom I love and adore.
I have several male friends whom I love and adore.
In the grand scheme of things, I’m not a woman who hates other women. I hate when other women go out of their way to be nasty/immature/etc. towards other women and will likely not deal with them because the ensuing drama isn’t really worth it.
I don’t think it’s wrong to talk to certain friends about certain things either. It’s really just the nature of the beast. However, I do agree with the men that it’s unattractive to boast about how you don’t have any female friends because of this thing and that thing.
That’s stupid to me.
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ildolceamore Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 11:17 am
I think a balance is important. My closest friends are girls; of my 8 closet friends, it’s 5 girls and 3 dudes. On a daily basis though I choose to surround myself with male friends. Only because I’m already a emotional basket case of my own than I don’t really want to be around more of that. Dudes talk about funny, introspective, and progressive things; ideas instead of people. I like surrounding myself with that kind of positivity.
But the girls keep me grounded, sensitive, and compassionate. I know I can go them and lighten the load. I’ve found that when my best male friends try to talk me through situations, their combat angle is apathy, “maaaaan eff that, just do you.” “who cares what he thinks, do what makes you happy.” Ah men, so selfish. My girls on the other hand have been where I am before and they’re more constructive about fixing problems.
I think it’s important to have both. I’d even go as far as saying that girlfriends help chicks maintain their femininity. But hey, if bravado makes you feel sexy then do your thing…I guess.
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Erin Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
I believe the reasoning behind some women not having many female friends could be because they just don’t relate to very many women.
In my opinion, some women take what it means to be a woman to a far extreme. Obsessing over men, hair, nails, shopping, and things that just overall have no real importance, which I find quite annoying because I couldn’t care less about what hair style or what color you are getting next on your nails.
It’s the same with having male friends. Some guys want you to obsess over them, but if you don’t then they stay far away…
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This post: Luvs it!
I never quite understood women who had no (or few) female friends. I think in most cases, it’s a sign of insecurity. My ex-bff had only about four female friends (two of which I introduced to her). She deliberately would not try to cultivate most friendships. Yet her number of male friends was in the double digits. My only complaint was they were all flamboyantly gay: nails done, hair done, outfit right. I’m not talking about one or two. There were as many as seven. It was all cool at first, then things started getting weird. Once I went to visit a male friend with her, and there were 10 dudes in the house. Not one of them even gave us a second glance. I once asked about her friend preference. She said she related better to gay males than females. That eventually caused some issues in our friendship and led to its demise.
I’ve always had my circle of home girls. If anything, I’m lacking in the male department. My female to male friend ratio is 2:1. There is less drama associated with guys and they are much less challenging to deal with, sometimes. However, at the end of the day, my female friends are the ones that really understand me and can give me the emotional support I need. Men have a different way of expressing things than women.
This makes me think of the movie “I Love You Man.” Paul Rudd had no close male friends which bothered his fiancée. She was going to get married with a gazillion bridesmaids while he had no groomsmen. I can’t imagine one day having no females (except relatives) to stand by my side on my wedding day.
I’ve met a few other women who shun female friendships, and we’ve always gotten along. I’m too unassuming to make anyone insecure. I’d like to think I would warm up to the next female woman hater I meet. Although considering how things turned out with my ex-bff, I might be inclined to deal with her differently than my regular home girls. I’ve learned, you have to deal with people on the level they are on and adapt as it changes.
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Name Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 3:24 am
Yeah, I was thinking of that movie too. I often find that men who don’t have any male friends are just weak and bullied by their girlfriend/wife, or, they’re too busy trying to be emo to impress girls.
I know one of my roommate’s guy friends suffers from this- his girlfriend bosses him, and when she’s not around, my roommate picks up the slack and treats him the same way. It’s very painful to watch. It’s not so much the fact that they don’t have male friends, it’s the things they do that cause them to not have male friends that’s bothersome.
However, if it’s a situation where you’re new in town or you’ve just recently relocated, not having any buddies to hang with is understandable
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Toni Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
yeah when i got my first job post grad i lived 5.5 hours away from home and 10 hours from both my bffs. i didn’t have any close friends nearby until i got acclimated to the area.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 9:10 am
“There is less drama associated with guys and they are much less challenging to deal with, sometimes.”
Co-Sign
“Men have a different way of expressing things than women.”
Yeah it’s called Common Sense.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Or being simple.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Simplicity is key homie.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Agreed. Simplicity is key. Being simple is not.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
I see you also have Last Word Syndrome.
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Well, I always thought I was more of a “girl’s girl” than a “guy’s girl”. For some reason, however, my ability to get along with many other women ran out in like 1997, lol. ALL of my closest girlfriends have been in my life for at least 10 years. I trust them and they trust me – something that’s hard to cultivate between adult women. The women I’m cool with at my job are all over the age of 40. Could be that the (single) ladies at my job are not the nicest bunch. Could just be my generally geriatric disposition, lol.
As for women who proudly proclaim that they just don’t get along with women – le sigh. It says more about the person who says it than it does about the “females”, “chicks” and “broads” they’re talking about. My experiences have taught me that when a woman says this, believe her and run.
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My close and best friends were always female until I got to college which is where I met the BFF.
Still, I have more close female friends than close male friends. I treasure and value my relationships with males but as has been said repeatedly my female friends relate to me in a way that others can’t.
This has been recently highlighted for me in that (long story short) me and the BFF are going to the ATL for New Years’ Eve. He’s been seeing (read: sleeping with) a former roommate of mine and if I’m honest with myself (which I’m not) I’m pissed that they withheld this info and then when I found out, ol’ girl continued to lie/avoid it. Guess where she lives? ATL. Why I didn’t make this connection before, when he suggested the city idk, dock me a point (to be fair, he said they were over and she told me, when I finally picked up the phone, she was seeing some dude who wasn’t him). Anywho, though I’ve made it very clear that I don’t want to see her and that I’m THOROUGHLY pissed that he told her we’re coming, he doesn’t get it. Guess who does and totally co-signs? All my female friends. Am I right? Probably not but my female friends understand that wrong or right, there’s a reason I feel as I do.
I don’t know how girls with no male friends do it. My ex-bff from high school was like that, she swore she just didn’t get along with females (nevermind that any given weekend we could be found rolling in an all-female group 7 or 8 deep with her in the lead) and she announced it like it was a good thing. In the end, I determined she used the “I only have male friends” as an excuse to try to get up on everybody’s boyfriend. Long manipulative story, but that was a game for her.
I have a friend now who holds most females out at arms length and it’s like she’s waiting on someone to disappoint her (and they always do — self-fulfilling prophecy). We’re only friends because we’ve known each other for a decade.
Most of the females I’ve run into who “don’t do females” (pause) are concerned about competition. Normally they’re the only ones who see competition and further don’t get that if you’re always competing with your friends, they’re probably not really your friends.
::shrug:: I, like Toni, am also to unassuming. I’m not trying to take your man, not trying to be more fly than you (even though, well let’s be honest, I just am), not trying to be in competiton with you and it just shows in how I operate.
I do so love, though, being able to switch it up and kick it with the guys. That’s a whole different atmosphere which can be most welcoming after a week of drama in the way that only females bring (not at all to suggest men don’t come with the drama, Lawd Jeebus knows they do).
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 9:42 am
After reading your story, is it possible that those ‘no females’ females tend to think less emotionally and more in the sense of what is right and wrong. B/c truth be told, I have no idea why you are so mad at your ex-roommate.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
“don’t do females” (pause)
That is an excellent pause. Congradulations.
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ASmith Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 9:59 am
B/c truth be told, I have no idea why you are so mad at your ex-roommate.
Exactly. And while at first I was going to try to explain it… I know that’s futile. It’s that male process v. female process.
My friends will tell you I’m typically one of the most rational people you’ll meet. I’m the one they call when they know they’re doing too much. We all get passes though.
Like I said, I’m probably wrong — but it’s how I feel and females will understand that, and if they don’t they’ll at least think “hey, she can feel that way…” Men want to tell you why that’s nonsensical and I already get that part. I still feel this way.
And for the record, I’m unhappy with both of them.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 11:31 am
CHeeKZ, it’s ALL about how they feel regardless of the lack of logical connections or dismissal of common sense.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 11:47 am
I understand MeteorMan, I really do…
I just KNOW they are stupid by living their lives this way. When you go off emotions you are only causing more complications with interactions with other humans b/c they can’t FEEL what you FEEL. Furthermore, if you continue to go off of how you FEEL (and not right and wrong) you are going to cross other human being and if they act like you they will cross you.
When you go off FEELING your interactions become unpredictable and cause constant friction…. and this is why women b!tch all the time.
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ChokLitFactory Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Hmmm I do agree with Cheekz comment, but then I am not sure I understand A Smith’s reasoning. This male friend – did you like him, or have a thing for him at one point? Or were you just highly annoyed with the fact that they lied to you about sleeping with eachother?
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Toni Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
“…not trying to be more fly than you (even though, well let’s be honest, I just am)…”
LOL at this part!
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I have many female friends but it wasn’t always like that. I grew up the Token Negro and so in middle and high school I used to get made fun of and hated on (yes, I’m actually using that term) by a lot of black girls. I had a British accent, so I was “different”, and I was in an advanced program (shout out to my IB nerds) in which I was 1 of 3 black people in our classes. So all my friends were fun, cute, white girls. Like they were my road dogs. But when I got to college and got all militant things kinda drifted. I pledged Delta, they pledged Chi O. While to this day we still make trips for weddings and such, we’re not close like we used to be. Still love them though.
I found it to be a bit hard developing relationships with black women after high school. It’s like at that point everyone already has their “clique” and aint tryna let anyone else in. But that doesn’t stop me from trying. I have my LS’s and several other ladies that I love and adore now. However, for a while I did have a long list of male friends. It’s not because I hated women, or I was insecure, or I was tryna be up on the fellas. That’s just how the cards fell. Being “different” was hard enough, the fellas were just the easiest to break. LOL
But like I said, now it’s a different ball game. I have plenty of lady friends that will be my girlfriends till I’m 6 feet under.
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ASmith Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Starting friendships with women is not easy. I guess that’s why you find lots of women with female friends they’ve had since elementary school…
I’ve made like 1 good female friend since graduating from college and I didn’t make any new friends between sophomore year and graduating. We all had our girls/crews and that was that by the end of sophomore year. Female cliques aren’t very dynamic (in the sense that they don’t change, stretch, bend or break very much)
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Toni Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
totally agree its hard to cultivate new friendships not just post high school but college. i just moved and even though i have family and friends an hour away, you sometimes want a circle in town. somebody needs to create the course on making friends. i don’t want to end up being known as the weirdo that’s too friendly lol.
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What I do find interesting is that men are sometimes on both side of the coin. With the “If she doesn’t have female friends there’s something wrong” but THEN… when they start doing trifling stuff and their GF with a million female friends turns to them they are “I hate that she always listens when her friends are in her ear”
I mean I get it, there’s a happy medium, but that rarely comes into play. I know that with my friends I have to keep certain things to myself or else it’s doomsday for the dude. Because all my girls are on Team JG* so they will tell it like it is.
So men be careful what you wish for.
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I can say that I was one of these people who said I didn’t have a lot of female friends. I used the excuses that I was only girl and they are always catty and they nasty things to me.
The truth was I was very insecure and therefore only involved myself in relationships that were extremely familiar to me. Going to boarding school changed my perspective. Living on a all girls floor let me see that all females are not what I made them to be but rather my insecurities about how I would be receive got in the way of me cultivating some meaningful relationships.
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@ASmith, I’m not really sure why you are mad at your old roommate either–for lying about it? Maybe I need to read it again.
Love my girls–those I’m close to, that know my deep dark secrets and those I just kick it with from time to time. As an only child I’ve always found a way to cultivate my friendships because that was all I had. Women that don’t have women friends just haven’t met the RIGHT women. I guess the older you get it is difficult to do though. My guy friends are my homeboys but since we’re scattered across the country we don’t see each other that often. They’ll always be my boys and I’m there to give advice and vice versa but I can admit I don’t really hang with them often and I’m a-ok with that.
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ASmith Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Yeah — she lied about it and has gone out of her way to try to cover it up. However, for the most part I got past that. I was irritated, but whatever. Then the BFF wants to go to the ATL under the guise of NYE and my b-day (which is the day before) only to happen to mention it to her after threatening not to come when he found out some of my friends wanted to tag along. So he makes it about us hanging out (since we haven’t seen each other since his b-day) but then wants to add her in when I’ve already said “no thanks” to hanging out with her.
I’m unhappy with her for lying and him for… well.. a myriad of things.
As far as what they’re doing/have done, if the tables were turned, and one of my friends called me with this, I’d probably say something like “You have the right to feel how you do, but you know you’re wrong. That’s not really your business…” Which is what I said to self and why I got “ok” with it.
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Reecie Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 11:09 am
oh I feel you for not wanting to hang out. he seems like lame for trying to force it…
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I wouldn’t say not having a lot of female friends or being irritated by stereotypically girlie stuff means you hate or deny who you are. I know (and like) exactly who I am, yet I still don’t like shopping, celebrity gossip or fashion talk. Unfortunately, this is how most women are, so yes, I don’t have a lot of female friends. But I do have some, but they are all like me….kinda manish (but with NO question that we are all woman). I’ll admit to my female inclinations (its funny when we lament to each other that we’re “acting like such a girl”), but I’m definitely not your typical woman.
See Robert Greene, The Art of Seduction, Part 1, “Masculine Dandy”.
But yea, NO female friends just means you can’t get along with folks, and those are the type of women who are NOT in my circle of friends. That goes beyond interests and goes to people skills.
And as you get older, you just naturally have fewer female friends. I think its cuz you run out of patience for mess BS, and unfortunately most messy BS is concentrated in the female gender.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Co-sign. I don’t like the gossip and fashion talk either. And I agree that as we get older, our friendship circle gets smaller. I don’t think I need any more friends. But if some cool, trustworthy folks come along as I age, that’s fine, but I don’t want 27 people in my crew, male or female. Too much.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 11:23 am
I thought you rode deep (pause)…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
**giggles**
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Glo Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I agree with you. I don’t have alot of female friends, but the few that i do have are the best friends anyone could hope to have. I am not a shopper, I don’t want to spend 2 hours sitting in a nail salon getting shit done, andi defintely have no interest in the celeb gossip kind of thing. I’ve been saying for years that I think I was a man in a former life, just because I think alot more like men than I do the typical female. I’m a very rational person, rarely ruled by my emotions, and very much centered on common sense.
Where I grew up, other than my 3 sisters, there were only 2 girls that were close to my age to hang out with. The rest were boys. So my 2 girl friends and I spent most of our time hanging with the boys. Now at age 36, I am still very good friends with those 2 girls and have a very small circle of female friends, but thats the way I like it and its also what I am used to. It’s got nothing to do with hating or not being able to get along with women because I’ve never had a problem getting along with anyone, male or female. Its just me.
Maybe its not something that is wrong with us females with more male friends than female, but maybe more wrong with other people always feeling the need to judge and find things wrong with people that they don’t see eye to eye with.
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ASmith Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
There’s a difference between having more male friends than female friends, and having no female friends by choice.
There are women who are proud that they have no female friends and that’s odd. But there’s nothing odd about having more friends of one sex than another….
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Until I joined my sorority sophomore year of college
many moons ago,lol, I did not have a lot of female friends. I was very much into sports, which naturally lent itself to developing close relationships with guys. I was a good athlete, and was getting recruited to play Division I sports. I also excelled academically. I’m not trying to boast, but I say this to say that I encountered a lot of jealousy from females. I never purposefully rejected female relationships, (and had a couple of close female friends in HS) it just so happened that those relationships were not cultivated as much as they could have been. Women, let’s be honest with ourselves. We are emotional beings, and handle situations in certain ways are just too much sometimes. I definitely catch myself saying “see, this is why I don’t get along with females” after something happens that should not have gone the way it did lol…After I crossed the Burning Sands, I remember my mom (who knows nothing about Greek life) saying, “so are you going to have more female friends now?” LOL. I definitely do! However, I must admit that I have very real trust issues, so my overall circle of close friends (both male and female) is very small. I guess that leads me to a question…Is there a number that is too much/too little? I read above that someone only had 4 female friends. Is that close friends? Or does she just know 4 women? I think that’s big distinction. IMHO, I personally become weary when someone has a ton of “close” friends…
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Seattle Washington Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 10:51 am
I don’t think there’s a minimum or maximum, but I think true friends dwindle down to a smaller # after time. It may be cool to have 800+ friends on Facebook, but I’m not sure about in real life.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 11:16 am
I think it just varies from person to person. Personally, I can’t have 10 people I am equally close to, partly because that’s too much work. 10 great friendships would require lots of trust, sharing, communication, etc. I have nuff friends, but I don’t need to the equally close to them all.
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I’m alive.
Not gonna lie. I never would have thought insecurity played a role in this “I ain’t got no female friends” thang. I thought people just had their preferences. Quite frankly, some of my best female friends are the ones that have very few female friends themselves. I do find that they are often involved in less BS…until more women are brought into the picture.
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I have a different POV (what else is new). I went to an All-Boys High School, the only female interaction I saw during there formative years was cat fights and second hand accounts to drama. My girlfriends never had anything positive to say about their friends. I guess you only share the bad stuff with your boobookins. So this stuck with me.
I only come around girls b/c i want some gushy. If I was a hetero girl and had no need for gushy,what would be the point of coming around? What else do you have to offer? To listen to you complain? To have to justify your irrational action? Pointless drama?
I know people will run behind me and say “I don’t know what you are talking about CHeeKZ, I love me girls.” Well even Hitler had a wife, that didn’t make him a good husband. Every time friend issues come up with my wifey, I simply state “my friends are superior to yours” and she has to agree. I never EVER complain about my friends, we are always on the same page. We never make each other cry, talk behind each other’s back or gossip. Fight over a chick. Break someone else’s hotcomb. When you think about it, you are biotchy once a month… like clock work.
Its not that I didn’t develop female friends. I did…. but all thru the hunt. Either I was trying to bag, failed, but we still clicked or my man ran through and I really liked her personality. My friends have smutted out some really smart and interesting people.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Do you eat brontosaurus burgers and drive a car with the bottom cut out?
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 11:34 am
#shotsfired.
My male friends would never say anything like that to me…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Doesn’t mean they don’t think it…
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Anna Nimous Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
You almost got me caught reading blogs at my job with that one. Bwahahaha!
I always thought Cheekz kept his Jurassic Jergens for a less kosher reason, now I see it’s to cool his heels after braking. Yaba-daba-doo.
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As a dude, I’d think there was something up if a girl I met only had guy friends. Sure there’s exceptions to everything, but it says something about yourself if you can’t keep or maintain a friendship with someone of the same gender.
Like Sowhatiff said in the post, imagine if there was a dude who ONLY had girl friends & paraded around saying that he couldn’t get along with guys. o_O Shaaaaaaaaky.
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nyhoop Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 11:20 am
LOL I would definily give the side eye…
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i agree with most men when they say they find it unattractive when a woman says that she doesn’t have any female friends or she only gets along with men. like if no women like you, i doubt there’s something wrong with all those women. the common factor is you.
i have about the same number of male friends that I have female friends. the friends that i’ve had the longest are mostly men. outside of two of my female friends who’ve held me down for as long as i can remember.
miss jenkins you are correct in that you should have both male and female friends for both perspective as well as understanding.
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Erin Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
“…like if no women like you, i doubt there’s something wrong with all those women. the common factor is you.”
As long as people are told that there is something “wrong” with them because they aren’t like other people, it only furthers the distance they create between themselves and others.
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this is a very interesting post.
as someone who grew up a) with a ton of brothers, and b) somewhat of a tomboy, i unabashedly claim to be one of those females who keeps her female friend circle pretty small. I wouldn’t say that I shun female friendships (I pledged a sorority, lol), but I am pretty well-guarded with them because I have a very low tolerance for many of the things that come along with those relationships (drama, jealousy, super duper uber-emotional shit, irrationality, etc.) and don’t need negative energy in my life.
For me, it boils down to common interests alot of the time. I am a sports fiend, love poker, and am into motorcycles. Most guys like those things also.
To say that a woman should have an affinity with another woman simply because they share the same sex organs is a very basic premise IMO.
Can someone elaborate on the insecurity argument? Not quite sure I get it….
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Ms Chelle Bell Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Insecurity usually gives way to jealousy. If a girl who is insecure with herself has a friend who is totally secure with themselves, either two things will happen. The girl can use their friendship to better themselves (and this is the ideal response) or they become jealous of the girl. And jealousy is a poison for friendship.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I am going to get my motorcycle license next summer.
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clsmoove Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
i just got mine this past summer…are you going to take the rider course? it was a lot of fun
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I can see both point of views. I have 3 besties that are girls (one of them is my stepsister). I think why we get along so well is because we have similar goals and beliefs and we respect one another.
Unfortunately one of my besties don’t really have much luck in finding friendgirls. She’s a very nice person and the girls she tries to befriend just take advantage of her. I think it’s because of their jealousy, but if enough women go through similar scenarios- I can see why some women feel like that.
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I don’t get it. I have a strong team of guy friends but I just love having girl friends. I’ve had most of my friends since Kindergarten/grammar school and have picked up a lot of confidantes in college. Like everybody has said they provide a good balance and are good for different things. I don’t think I could ever just have one or the other.
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“Fellas, is she less wife-able? Why?”
A woman not being able to mesh with her gender def makes her so much less ‘wife-able.’ Sometimes I want to go out and be social/network amongst other couples or individuals of both genders. I don’t need her to assume that every women in a building is out to get her. That attitude shows… I want to be able to introduce her to my female and male friends without the stigma of her not being open to them due to their gender. That basically means to me that I can’t take her anywhere or introduce her to the important people in my life = not wife-able.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Makes good sense.
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Do cousins count?
I am one of those females that has said “I don’t get along with girls./ I don’t have girlfriends./ Guys are easier to hang-out with…etc.” Now these statements were only half-truths depending on where I was in life. I did and do have female friends, but I can also drop them like hot-cakes when they start getting silly and dramatic…As a child I liked to ride bikes down steps, climb trees, and poke snails with twigs- boys thought this was cool, little girls not so much…BUT my female cousins also tended to be like me and since I have 13 of them, I never really missed girlfriends. As I grew older I feminized somewhat, some of my cousins feminized too much (and they were left on the kitchen floor)…and this is all to say the closest friend I ever had was a guy, yet I have female friends also…I think it’s crazy when ppl challenge sexuality (either being a ho or lesbian- of which I am neither) b/c one has more male friends than female friends…uhm I’m black, love being black but I probably have more white, indian and asian friends, b/c of the H.S. I went to & my life experiences etc… etc… despite the neighborhood I grew up in. It’s all about who you get along with.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Yep, cousins count. lol.
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Let’s talk about another side of the story. I’ve had guys say to me “how come all the guys you know are your FRIENDS?”
What makes women friend-only materials?
It’s true that though I have my core of best friends, who are women, I do hang out on a day-to-day with guys. It’s rare to find me in a group of all women – I prefer the one-on-one interaction with my girls.
But, does hanging out with groups of dudes make me “one of the guys”?
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Just hangin? Not really… It’s about how you relate to us. We don’t expect you to take on the male persona; but in my opinion, there’s a sort of “coolin’ it” attitude that has to come naturally. For example, most of my females friends that aren’t considered ‘one of tha boys’ require ‘plans’ to go somewhere or do something. You see… My homies come hang when there’s nothing to do. We interact well naturally so we’re always good company. This leads to spontaneous happenings of the hilarious kind. Many of our adventures sprouted from what seemed like a boring/normal day. The women in my like that are like ‘one of tha boys’ has the same way of interacting with me. It just flows…
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I have both male and female friends, and they all serve a different purpose in my life. And now that we are in the heart of football season,with college b-ball coming along, my male friends are at the top of my list for hanging out, talking, etc. Of course, I still hang with my girls when I’m not watching the game and throwing back a beer. I don’t even drink beer when I’m with the girls…that’s interesting. Thing is, I only have 2 female friends(outside of family. my sisters love sports) who actually enjoy watching sports, and understand it as much as I do, and they live in other parts of the country.
I wish they were here…
I don’t think it’s bad not to have a lot of female friends. I don’t know a lot of women who like to kick it a sports bar and just chill out watching a game. Or just hang out at home watching movies, and drinking cheap liquor instead of getting dressed to go out. I have a few freinds who like those things, and the are a treasure!!
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
I too heart beer and sports. We should chill!
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I kind of dated a guy who just happened to have a lot of female friends. Said he just wasn’t close to a lot of guys and he treated them like sisters…
Yeah, found out he just thought of guys as competition and would rather be the attention of girls he was around than bring another guy along.
Also, girls who say they don’t get along with girls and only need guy friends, I’ve found them to not know how to interact with males when another female is around and insecure with being in that position.
It’s good to have a balance so you can get different points of view. Women need to stop hating, we are supposed to be supporting each other.
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ASmith Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Also, girls who say they don’t get along with girls and only need guy friends, I’ve found them to not know how to interact with males when another female is around and insecure with being in that position.
Very good point. That’s how you can tell a girl who, for whatever reason, has a lot of guy friends and a girl who just doesn’t know how (or want) to deal with other females.
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I prefer the company of males.
But on occasions brunch
shit talkingdressing up & partying with the girls is lots of fun. I mean how many dudes can you approach or will appraoch you when you’re with your guy friends?????But its funny many of the things women do together I prefer to do alone like shopping. I hate shopping with gf’s around..or anyone for that matter.
watching porn is another one…
and I often feel left out when in the company of females because I’ve never had an interest in watching Sex and the City…*gasp* I know!!..I STILL have no interest in watching it.
Good post!
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Reecie Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
I’ve never known women to watch porn together. hmmm. I have watched porn in mixed company though. And I also prefer to shop alone, but I’ll go with my girls if they want/need my feedback on something.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Um. So groups of women just set dates to watch porn together like its an episode of Grey’s Anatomy? I can truly say that I learned something new today. Honestly, I don’t know what to think about that… unless I was invited over as well then I’ll know exactly what to think. lol
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Black and Trapped in Toronto Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
I dont do the shit..watching porn is done solo or w a HIM. But yes, I thought it was common knowledge that females watching porn together….perhaps I said too much.
No, Streetztalk ..giggly katy perry type porn parties are not held on the regular in Toronto..not any that I know of anyway..but you are more than welcome to……………………………………………………………..
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Streetztalk Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
What a #swindle…lol
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LouiseKay Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Ok, ok, ok…so although I do tend to have floating female friends, me and a bestie DID watch the Ray-J/Kim-K tape together…don’t judge us! We were Brandy fanatics when we were younger…and yes that somehow transform into a curiosity about Ray-J…
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Streetztalk Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Bless this thread….
Porn party in T.Dot? lol
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N.I.A. loves the porn kids... Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Really? I’ve never watched porn with my besties. But I have watched with some other college friends. It’s funny, b/c I don’t mix my besties with that group of friends… LOL!
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N.I.A. loves the kids... Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 12:50 am
yeah, that shouldn’t say I love the porn kids… smh @myself.
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LouiseKay Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
lol…you know I didn’t read it like that @ 1st, I kinda thought you meant kids=sarcastically=as us (lol)… Anyway I didn’t usually let my college friends & home friends mix either, which is why only my besties know my deviant tendencies
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Keisha stay trippin!
Good post Jenkies
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I have a few female friends. I wish I had more, always have. I live in a pretty messed up area and racism plays a part in my lack of female friends.
Also, my interest aren’t ones that I can find other women to share with me. I’m a geek, don’t shop or watch tv or gossip much. Men and women are socialized differently, and it seems a lot of women arent into discussions on space and philosophy and theory etc like I am. I like britcoms, scifi, hard core science and philosophy etc etc and i like to TALK about it- a lot.
Not saying that I shun female company, just that most women don’t share my interests. And that here in the backwoods, the racism and colorism have led to some ostracism. If I move to a larger town that will change, I’m sure. More variety.
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Erin Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
I know what you mean! I had an associate on Facebook call me a “Tomboy” because I put a status up asking if anyone wanted to play video games online.
I find that most women don’t share my interests either.
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n Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Yeah, I think the year I graduated I was one of maybe 4 women in my university who earned a degree in computer science. I have also considered going to school for a PhD in philosophy, which would make me one of Very Very Few women of color who have done so.
You either sit around being The Only One, miserable and sad or change your interests, or remain true to yourself and share your interests with others, regardless of race or gender.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 9:43 am
while your personal interest make it hard to make female friends… it must be kinda easy to find a date.
The ratio of Scifi girls to guys is WAAY in your favor. Heck I got a couple of friends that I have been trying endlessly for a girl like you to come along for them.
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n Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Yup. It seems this combination of race, gender and culture isn’t that common so I get a lot of interest from black and latino geek guys who cant seem to find a match in both interests and culture.
I dont know any 40ish females who want to discuss Kierkegaard, make Zaphod jokes, giggle over Discworld and dress up as Bene Gesserits for Halloween.I still hope to meet some!
Oh,I also grew up military and the constant moving makes it a lot harder to get IN with a female clique when you are always the new girl, plus sort of geeky and not into girl things. I think when u have established friends from way back, they are accepting of your quirks. But when you have to start over every 3 years, its harder to integrate yourself into an existing community or social circle of females. Especially if you are single and your same age peers are all coupled up.
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I don’t like to shop for clothes. At all. I shop maybe once every six months, and I spend about $400 doing so. Thus, whenever my girlfriends want to do a “mall day,” I gracefully decline. Department stores actually give me mini anxiety attacks. However, I LOVE shopping at the grocery store. I could be in Whole Foods ALL DAY! I find going to the nail salon therapeutic, but I’ll take a Stella over a Cosmo any day. I have four close female friends…three of which I would never describe as “girly” or “prissy.” I may actually be the girliest of us all. Basically what I’m saying is: sometimes, it’s just the way the cookie crumbles. It’s them chicks who strategically create their social circles around men…them chicks who boast that they have more male friends than white blood cells…them chicks that publicly denounce female friendships when they don’t have any to begin with…Unh uh…not cool.
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ASmith Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
co-sign (b’cept the hours in Whole Foods — I hate grocery stores, but that’s because I hate people).
Matta’ fact, I’m cosigning most females on here who said something to the effect of “I’m not the stereotypical female.”
I’m definitely not either and my super-girly friends (the like 2 I have) know that mall trips don’t necessitate an invite my way.
Wanna watch a football game, though? Do call and do bring the Yuengling. Thanks.
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Erin Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Do you play video games?
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ASmith Reply:
November 16th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Nah — never been into video games.
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I only have 1-2 female friends, and thats only because i’ve known them the longest. Truthfuly, being their friend is hard cause they play so many stupid manipulating head games.
4 example: Christmas comes and my friend gives me this list of expensive toys for me to get my god child-her child. then, come christmas, i spent an arm and a leg on gifts for her child while SHE (the mother) brought stuff from the dollar store.
Or, she’ll ask me to babysit, then when i think shes leaving, she’ll sit in the same space all day, and play on the computer while im disiplining her child!
Or she’ll play me and the other god mother against each other. neither of us like each other because of her in our ears.
At first i said hey, if i was a single mother i would hustle for my child too. But to be played by your own “BF”?.. kid or no kid it hurts.
Am i wrong for feeling this way?
i have a co-worker thats cool, but every chance she gets, she throws verbal daggers at me.
4 example: i told her i cant get a promotion at work cause i cant get the proper paperwork for the position. she goes for the position and gets it. im happy, because we studied for the test, and poof- the power of possitive thinking- she passes. Now, every week she says “so when you gonna get yours huh?” knowing i cant go for it because i dont have the proper paper work.
Or, her first day on the job didnt go well, so im telling her its ok, she just needs to practice and she’ll get better. another co-worker walks in and asks what we’re talking about? she replies-”i dont know, i tuned her out. All i heard was something about practice. she’s probably practicing how to fu*#.”
Or, one time i flurted with another co-worker guy, and his dic* got hard. i told her what happened and said it was big. a few days later, we’re all in a group and she says ” yeah, his shi* gets hard for anything.”then looks at me and laughs..
Now. Am i flattering myself thinking that i got hatters in my midst? cause personally, i check myself and turn my swagg on before i leave the house. i feel confident with my plus size ass, and how it looks. i feel im blessed. but for one reason or another, and cant seem to befriend females for long periods of time. the female friends i have are more like frienemies. how can i break this pattern?what am i doing wrong? anyone?
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 9:14 am
the male co-worker did tell all the guys in the office the naughty stuff you said… damn Hershey, keep a secret!
-this post is why I hate women….
“i feel confident with my plus size ass”
-and that is why I love them
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I didn’t have close female friendships for a while because of several circumstances that prevented me from connecting:
1. Lack of phone time
2. Being the new girl at school every year up until middle school.
3. Not hanging out w/ the neighborhood kids (either due to babysitting, homework, etc.)
4. Not having the same attitudes and values, or even speech patterns as most of my fellow ‘hood compatriots
Add that to the fact that I was shy, nerdy, and a little offbeat, and you have a recipe for disaster.
I did get along with guys better for a while, but I noticed that a good number of them weren’t really friends. In college, I had a few acquaintances, but most of those chicks were not really besties, so there was some drama, some betrayal, and a lot of lessons learned.
Now, while I still like sports, and I still am my same old offbeat self, I’ve learned to let the haters and jealous chicks go, and to find friendships with women who have personalities that mesh with mine. I still have guy associates, but most of them are kept at a distance.
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It has been my experience 100% of the time that when I know a girl (i am a girl too) that says she doesn’t have females friends and tells you she doesn’t because girls are drama, haters, etc. It seems she is always a ho thus the problem isn’t that she can’t have women friends it’s that her ho ass can’t stand chicks it’s because she can’t stand chicks because if they are not into her same ho level activities it make her self conscious about being a ho. Just sayin
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A lot of people on here make valid points about why some women tend to get along with men better, and I don’t see the problem with it. These days sisterhood is rare and damn near non existant. If you don’t have women that you’ve been cool with since you were young its hard to develop that bond and trust once you’re older. Like some said if you don’t enjoy talking ish about Tami and other females and how their lives are in ruin, or spending 5-6 hours in a salon, or other typical girlie, catty ish, why does that mean you’re denying a part of yourself or something is wrong with you? I just don’t get that .
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most women who don’t have female friends can’t handle other women calling you on your shit…..it’s really easy to deal with men cause they tell you what you wanna hear…..i have found that men will pat your ass and women will save your ass!!!!!!
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